Restrained heart of Adonis

1

I WORE a smile as I played with those little friends of mine way back childhood. It was sweet. So sweet— when a child grows naturally. With a loving parents who always stood by your side—well not specifically but sort of.

I was a young little boy who loves to play with any children, but only to those who are kind enough to befriend with me. I never really knew that life could be that happy. I was a child. And I knew nothing but to experience being a child.

You don't have to think of what you should eat, on what you have to do to live... I was so innocent... Untainted... So respectful that I always follow every words my mom told me to. In return she would allow me getting out and be playful.

How wonderful when little birds learned how to fly. When their feathers are good enough they would only think of making themselves fly. Just have to feel the breeze of the air crossing through the spaces of their feathers... And with a smile happiness is presented.

Bible was my resting time. Whenever I had to rest I was told to always read it. It was an interesting subject. It definitely shakes my whole world affecting my young mind as I cower to the consequences of wrongful doings I might be able to do. I live with the happiness of being a child and the fear of breaking HIS rule. But I admire him, I really do. Never that I tried to take him out of my mind, thinking that he wasn't real, thinking he was just a myth because something inside me is really strong. It pulls me, the vibration it has whenever it talks about him feels so holy, feels so ethereal.

★★★

MOM always told me to be a "great kid. Be kind. Be a child who fears doing sinful act."

I love being this way. It's burden free. So I made a choice, no it wasn't a choice but rather a natural act to be good (Great! a lot of people take advantage of people being so kind).

In some ways I cannot avoid to make some mistakes. I saw two persons kissing in the movie our neighborhood is watching. I was trembling. The fear of having my life seared in the flame of hell siege my thoughts. I immediately turned my face left side and covered my eyesight.

What if God will take me right away? I'm not prepared.

Tears are pooling in my eyes. And I started to run away. Hide myself in the dark and weep. The only way I can try to save myself is to pray. Yeah, I have to pray because I'm no longer the child who always feel like the world is a paradise. I am now 17 years old. The name's Flick Graves and I already did my greatest mistake way back 10 years ago.

I was used. By a man who is a son of lewdness. I thought everything from my childhood was great. That I was a very kind child. An obedient one. Who would have thought that what he made me do was a mistake. Who would have thought that it was. How can I, I was just 7 who knew nothing but obeying. And it wasn't wrong.

I am a boy— who sworn to be of HIS good servant.

I am a boy and I thought I was happy.

Now that I'm 17, I thought I'll be damned in hell.

I cried every night. It changes me. I am a playful child no more. So I stopped reading the bible until my young brain gently forgot some of it. But something creeped me. I saw a boy older than me. He's really tall, white skin, a handsome boy I have no idea why I'm fond of. It was a crucial idea. No, let this feeling crumble and collapse like a wall fired with a massive bomb. I must find a way to make it go away. This lethal emotion must be banished out from my heart.