When we Fell Apart {k.sw + j.hn}

4.

Remember the day we adopted our children. The day you were very wary of because it was a huge step of responsibility.

You tried convincing me of adopting a dog instead and I wanted to, but thinking of us being parents was much more fascinating to me.

It took a month to finally convince you and we walked to the orphanage which was close by.

I could sense your nervousness and I could see the sweat dripping from your forehead. Maybe it was because of the suit you decided to wear on the hot summer day. Luckily the orphanage had an air conditioner or you would've been dying even more.

We stopped by the receptionist and she looked at us happily with a genuine smile on her face. I already knew who I wanted to adopt as I've seen her multiple times when I passed through the area.

She had beady eyes and always wore her hair in pigtails. She also wore yellow every time I see her and constantly announced her name as Sunnie. I fell in love with her as she reminded me of  you.

She was a ball of sunshine yet tended to get hot headed when she didn't get what she wanted. She was also very affectionate and was picky with her food. Not to mention how she begs me to buy her juice every time I go to see her. It's like she's your long lost child.

Even you saw it...because once you landed your eyes on her, you begged me to adopt her. Of course I did, because not only do I love her, but you do too.

We brought her home that day and spent the rest of the evening with her. She called me daddy and you were papa. She adopted the names fast. It was the first time I saw your eyes glisten since our marriage.

Sunnie's real name was Sunyoung, but she hated being called that. She said it reminded her of her past family. She hated her other family due to neglect and they gave her up because she was "annoying."

I remember your reaction to the story. You were shocked at the right moments and sad at the others. It made my heart happy how much you cared for her. You even offered to let her sleep on our bed with us that night.

Kim Sunnie, my lovely daughter, I'm sorry that your past family hurt you, and I'm sorry that he hurt you too. You know, the one you and I loved the most.

We were a happy family that year, but I knew that I wanted to give Sunnie a brother or sister soon so that she wasn't lonely.

We visited the same orphanage with her and she got meet other kids some older, some younger.

But there was one kid she wouldn't let go...My dear Shiwoo... He was only two at the time (meaning he was 2 years younger than Sunnie) so he didn't remember much nor did he know how to talk.

Since Sunnie loved him so much, I knew I had to adopt him and you knew that as well. While Sunnie acted more like you, Shiwoo acted more like me...which is probably why you always kept your distance from him.

I spent more time with Shiwoo since I had to teach him how to speak properly and how to use the restroom. Sunnie would help sometimes but most of the time she was with you doing whatever it is you're doing.

We were a happy family, key word: were. We raised our children into beautiful and respectful human beings. Right now Sunnie is now 7 turning 8 in a month and Shiwoo is 6. I'm saying this in case you forgot.

I just wish things turned out great for us. I wish we would be four until the day we die. I wish you would be there for their birthdays or for Christmas. But you were always gone...

I never bothered to ask... A part of me knew it was your job...but the other part of me was thinking that you're hiding something from me.

Was it me being paranoid? Or was I right the whole time. Was I oblivious to see your red flags or did I just turn a blind eye so that I can avoid being hurt.

Of course I put on a fake smile in front of the children so that I don't worry them, but am I that good at acting that you don't notice it either.

It worries me when I'm not at the house and you are. I don't know why...I just get this weird aura from you when I come back.

We never get to do anything anymore...We never have our alone time. It's not because of the kids, it's because you're never free. I'm not blaming your job this time, I'm blaming you.

You always leave me for your drinking friends and you never come back until the next day. Do you not know how worried I am when you don't come back late at night? I think you died or worse...you're cheating on me.

Why? Why am I the one Sunnie asks where you've been. Why am I the one who has to lie to her and say that you're visiting family. Why am I the one to give her false hope when saying that everything will be back to normal.

I'm tired of your games, Sunwoo...I'm tired of you. I hate what you do to me yet I love it that you're still here. I love you're presence, your smile, you in general. But why don't I trust you when you're all alone?

It's because I can't trust you Sunwoo, I never could...