When we Fell Apart {k.sw + j.hn}

5.

Remember the day we fell apart? The day you thought you fooled me but you didn't...and I wish you did.

I was at work with my college friends and we were having a great time. It was bring your child to work day and we spent the whole day hanging out with our kids.

Sunnie made a bunch of friends, but mostly hung out with Jaewon, Younghoon and Jaehyun's son. We joked around saying that she had a crush on him but so did all of the little girls and boys.

Oh and Shiwoo got along with Changmi, Nyukyu's beautiful girl. She was the oldest girl out of all of them. Shiwoo looked up to her a lot and even called her mom sometimes.

I couldn't stop smiling at the children. They looked genuinely happy and couldn't stop talking. I wish you were here to experience it but It was "bring your kid to work day" and not "bring your husband to work day."

While the children where getting along with the others, I walked over to my desk and tried to find the important document that I needed to turn in to the boss. I look around and didn't find anything so I concluded that I left it on the kitchen table.

I told Chanhee to take care of my kids while I run over to my car and drive all the way to my house.

I know I should've contacted you first, that was a mistake on my part, but I didn't think much of it. I assumed you would be in bed watching TV or working out.

I arrived at the house and immediately grabbed the document, but then I heard something. Something faint and disgusting. It was a female's voice and then I heard your voice.

My heart shattered, I didn't want to jump to conclusions...so I slowly walked up the stairs. The more I walked, the more I could hear it clearly. The voice of lust and desperateness.

I couldn't believe it...more like I didn't want to believe it.

Apart of me wanted to bust into that room and beat the living shit of that woman who was having sex with you. But I couldn't...

I just stood there, listening to you and that woman getting it. My heart hurt...more than it ever has in my entire life. Why? Why did I just stand there...Why didn't I leave?

I remember the tears falling down my face. Each and everyone of them. 237 tears fell down my cheeks that day. I tried hard not to make noise and disturb you.

I don't know why I stayed with you. I don't know why I liked giving myself pain. I did everything for you. I did everything to make you smile. Is that why I stayed? So that I could hear you say that you enjoyed having sex with a stranger.

Is that why I smiled? Because you were much more happy with her instead of me? Is it my fault that I was so vulnerable? Was I easy to play with? To manipulate?

Though my heart was in pain, I was happy for you. You're happiness mattered the most in this world. My heart was shattered but I didn't care because I don't love myself, I love you!

I have a lot of regrets Kim Sunwoo, you're my biggest one. Standing there at that door, listening to the moans is one of them.

I realized the only person who can hurt me more than anyone is you. And you have succeeded.

Till this day, I still don't know what you want from me. Did you just want a toy to play with? Did you love me the day you got me, but then got bored and threw me away when you discovered something better?

Tell me Sunwoo, or don't. I don't think I can afford another heartbreak.

I couldn't go back to work right then and there. I couldn't let my happy children see the pain I was going through. I just slowly walked back to the car and cried my broken heart out.

The real question was...what was my next step? Would I divorce you? Would I tell you what I saw and then leave you? Would I hurt you?

I did neither of those things.

I just put on a mask and chose to ignore it, for the time being. I couldn't let my children leave you when they love you most.

I just pretended nothing happened. I ran away but in reality I was tied to the problem. I couldn't contain my emotions and cried every night when the children were supposed to be sleeping.

I don't know how long they knew I was crying, but one day they just came in and comforted me. I didn't tell them the whole story, I just told them you hurt me.

Ever since then, they looked at you like you were a monster. You never knew why they avoided your hugs or why they never said I love you back.

I remember hearing Sunnie tell me to move out of the house so that you wouldn't hurt me anymore. And I listened to her.

I learned something from our relationship. I learned that I don't need you to live. I don't need you to love.

This entire time I thought I needed you but I didn't. I needed to love myself not you. I wanted you to be happy, and I ignored my well-being for you.

But I don't want you. Those sluts can have you but not me.

That's why I left. I signed the divorce papers (you did too) and I left. My children and I left to a different part of Seoul, one where I know you wouldn't visit.

I also won custody of the kids as they didn't want to stay with you either. Sunnie and Shiwoo are mine, you can visit them but they will never go to you.

I also got a new job! One that's a better pay and it's not taking my time away from my kids. As for love, well my boss is pretty cute...

Kim Sunwoo, if you're reading this, I hope you know one thing. I will never forget this relationship until the day I die. Yes you hurt me, but I learned something from us. I will cherish it in my heart.

I hope you live your life, and I will continue to live mine as well. Also...

I will always love you, just not enough to date you again.

- Love, Haknyeon, your ex husband.