A Duty Fulfilled

Chapter 21

              Grief, my Avelina, is like an ocean. So deep it drowns us at some points, shallow enough to stand firm in, and yet, it is always there. |Lord Farren| 

                   Her heart had always been numb. Hadn't it? She didn't remember anymore. She couldn't remember anything. Hollowness had overtaken her soul......leaving her.....empty. But then, she'd always felt a sense of emptiness since her father and brother died. Yet, she had still fought. Fought for her freedom, justice, and tried to make sense of why they had died. But all her efforts had been in vain. Her efforts hadn't saved James, they hadn't saved Isolda or her mother. 

The faint smell of burning wood drifted through her open window but it failed to stir any reaction from Avelina who laid curled up in the corner of her prison. 

''Lady Avelina.....'' the maid they'd called Mary crouched down on Avelina's level. ''We must make you ready for you wedding ceremony. They are fetching the priest now.'' 

Avelina shut her eyes and buried her face in her hands, pressing her back against the stone wall. She felt too weak to resist anymore efforts when it came to Lord Richard and his son. 

''My lady?'' Mary asked once more, then turned to Sabine who had also entered with her. She murmured something to Sabine who nodded as Mary left the room. 
''My lady, you must get up.'' Mary gently took Avelina's chin and leveled her eyes to Mary's.
''It isn't over yet, my lady, there is still a fight that needs to be won!'' Mary whispered but still dared to hold Avelina's gaze.
Avelina still said nothing. She didn't want to make any more efforts, or try to win anymore battles. She, and everyone else she loved would be killed. At least the ones who hadn't been already.
''My lady.'' Mary shook her shoulders, but Avelina shrugged her off and turned away.
Mary sighed, and sat back on her heels.
Avelina ignored her and closed her heavy eyelids, except she all she saw was her father, her brother, Peter. A dry sob escaped her lungs and mouth. When had it all turned black?
        She opened her eyes to see a dream of her mother kneeling before her. She was lovely, even with creased lines around her weary eyes.
"Lina," the vision spoke. "My darling Lina."
Mother's touch on her arm felt so real.......it was real. Avelina realized so as her mother pulled her fully into her arms and hugged her. Avelina sobbed again as she wrapped her arms around Mother's shoulders, which seemed to have gotten even more frail since the last time she'd seen her. When had she last seen her mother? Had it been months? Weeks? Or mere days? She could honestly say she had no idea, but she didn't care in that moment.
She'd needed her mother so desperately. Avelina had always been the sort to simply leave without thinking of who might miss her presence. Mother and Isolda had always been at the cottage when she returned with Adam. They'd often eat together, and when they didn't, Mother would worry, but Avelina always assured her there were greater things at hand. Shooting Lord Richard's wild game and giving it to her family and Adam's, or meeting in the wood and forming a plan for the next rebel strike. Avelina hadn't really needed her mother then. But Avelina's heart had never hurt like this. Hadn't been numbed like this.
''Mother,'' fresh tears filled Avelina's eyes again. ''I missed you. I didn't even know if you lived.''
Thalia smoothed her daughter's hair, a small smile stretching across her thin lips. ''Lord Richard would've killed me had not Isolda begged him not to.''
Maybe an ounce of good did still exist in her sister's cold heart, then.
''She betrayed us,'' Avelina spat angrily. ''And now James Smith, and possibly Peter and Adam are dead now. And for the first time, I almost wish I was too.''
She expcted a reprimand from her mother, but Thalia shook her head instead, ''I'm afriad quite a few of us have thought that within these last days. I've been missing your father terribly. You're brother too.''
''Isolda likely killed them too,'' Avelina remarked bitterly, now standing and walking to the window where she saw black smoke coming from the harbor.

''Avelina, do not punish her furthermore. She is already suffering a great deal,'' Mother joined her by the window.

''She is suffering? Mother, do you hear yourself? She has duped, and played all of us! Her family!'' Avelina buried her face in her hands. It absolutely sickened her to think of it. She wanted to throw up.

''And now she sits in a cold prison cell waiting to be executed, or forgotten for the next several decades.'' Mother's eyes were suddenly swimming with tears. Or maybe they had just never left.

''Mother,'' Avelina sighed, her anger cooling slightly. ''I am sorry for what she's done. But you cannot expect me to forgive and forget what she's done. I simply cannot.''

''Then when will it ever stop, Lina?'' Mother's voice was hard. ''How much bitterness will you collect in your heart before you realise that nothing you can do will ever repair or make right the wrongs of others?'' A single tear fell down Thalia's weathered cheek.

''You will hate your sister, Lord Richard, Jonathon, and even your father----''

''I love Father!'' Avelina's voice raised. ''You cannot accuse me of hating Father.''

''You hate him for leaving, daughter. You resent that he left you to carry out his passion for justice. But what you never understood is that even if you were to carve Lord Richard's heart out of his chest and hold it above your head in victory, you would still hate, and resent.''

Thalia gripped Avelina's shoulders. ''Nothing you could ever do to make it right would be enough to fix the bitterness in your heart. You've gone so long, you have not an idea of how to mend it, my dear. You think if you can kill Lord Richard, it will only be over, but you're wrong.''
                Avelina stood still. Stunned. Was her heart actually that cold? Or had the fingers of hate curled around it, hardening forever? The memories assualted her. Graying hair, a kind face: Father. So brave, wise, kind. Did she really hate him? Blonde ringlets, bright eyes: Isolda. A traitor.
''I cannot, Mother.'' Avelina dug her figners into her hair. ''I don't know how! It is too hard! It won't make it right!''
''Forgiveness isn't supposed to mend the problem. But it will mend your heart.''

''My heart is broken. It will never heal like before.'' Avelina looked at the burning city out beyond her window. Bile rose in her throat and all she could do was reach for the chamber bucket and heave. 

Thalia touched her daughter's shoulders. Softly. 

''It could never heal like before, my daughter. Not in this lifetime. We have all suffered much....only heaven can completely mend our shattered souls. Wounds never heal completely....there is often a scar left behind. A reminder.'' 

''Kill me now.'' Avelina wiped her mouth and spat into the bucket. 

''God hasn't yet, Lina. You're still needed here.'' Thalia stepped towards the window, her hands folded in front of her. 

''I've failed, mother. How many times must I repeat myself?'' Avelina suddenly wished for Peter. She missed his reassuring, confident disposition. His determined drive, even when hers was no more. 

              ''Because there is still so much more of yourself to give! If you can only let go of the past....let God heal you. Accept his forgiveness and give it to others!'' Thalia turned back towards Avelina, her eyes blazing. ''You may not win this battle, but you can win the one in your spirit.'' 

She cupped Avelina's face. 

''Release yourself from this burden. Allow God to release you.'' 

Perhaps it was the rawness of Thalia's words, or the thirst of Avelina's heart, but the words seeped into her like water. Hope, such a foreign word, filled her. What would it be like to not have anger and resentment filling her lungs with every breath she took? Was it even possible? 

''But mother.....I haven't spoken to the Lord in.....so long. Will he even know me?'' Avelina started crying. Fresh tears. 

Thalia chuckled softly, ''I think he will. He's been waiting.'' 

''Mother....I want to. I want to forgive. I want to find peace again. I want to live again.'' Avelina sank to her knees. ''Help me.'' 

Thalia got down her knees alongside her daughter, and they both prayed fervently. For the madness to end, and for mercy on their souls.