To Fall Apart

Day 4: 4:28am (Ally)

  I couldn't sleep last night, but for Ryan's sake I sat in the chair next to his bed rather than pace around the room like a mad-woman. I resigned myself to boucing my foot as I sat, thinking. I have my plan, and it racks my nerves knowing what we're about to do. God, protect us. If it be you're will, may this work. But if it's not, let it go by your plan because I know that yours is better than mine. 

  The sun rises slowly, so slow that I want to shout, scream at it to rise in the sky faster. The time doesn't seem to want to speed up in my desperation, either, if anything they both slow down. It is strange though, to want to escape by day. I realized last night that David posts more guards by night than by day. As if knowing that more people try at night. 

  So, here I sit, next to a sleeping Ryan. I brush some loose hair to the side by his ear. How do normal people fall in love? They meet and say 'hello', at a party, at school, or a bar later in life. Maybe they bumped in the hallway, or shared a smile from across the classroom. Most people can't say they found love in a hostage situation. But that's alright. I mean, Ryan and I are rather quirky people, it kinda  fit to meet in an unconventional way. I smile at the thought.

  I never liked the idea of the "perfect" relationships or boys. It sounded boring and so artificial. I once dated a guy who was like that. Smart, funny, sweet, loving, attractive, Micheal was on the Boy's Swim Team. We had a great relationship, don't get me wrong. No real fights, no pressure, just two people who really appreciated each other. He was so perfect other than one scar that was white against tan skin. Sometimes I would look at it just to remind myself he was human. 

  I remember Micheal moved to Virginia and we had to break up. I was crushed and cried for a whole day. Then, after that, I found that it didn't reallt affect me all that much. Sure, I was sad, but I just didn't feel as bad as other girls in similiar situations. I never knew why. But, now I do. I wasn't all that attached. Yet, here's Ryan, almost as good as new, and it still feels like someone shot through my heart. 

  Ryan stirs next to me and I'm worried I woke him, but a quick look at the clock says it's 10:36. "Morning." He rubs the sleep from his eyes, "Mornin', Beautiful." I blush. Ever since our talk and he told me he loved me, we had both been a little more free with our affection. Something had changed in Ryan. He seemed a little more free, like he had a weight lifted off his shoulders, less worried, if that was even possible.

  "How are you feelin', Ry?" He stretches his arms, yawning. "Well, I'm not dead." I smile at his refrence to the first day, then cringe at the thought of what happened not even an hour later. He sees the look on my face, "Ally, I promise you, things will work out today. Even if not to plan, but things will be made right." He takes my hand and I do my best to smile, glad he trusts me and is still trying to keep my spirits up.

  Would I have done all the things I've done if Ryan weren't here? If I didn't have him to fight for? To be brave for? I was heard it said, there is no real difference between selflessness and bravery. I never truly understood until now. To be brave, all you have to do is find something to be selfless for.

  "Help me up, Ally." I hesitate for just a moment. "I'm serious, Ally, I want to stand up." I nod, taking his other hand, I slowly lift him up into a sitting position on the edge of the bed. He winces and I nearly want to stop, but I know later he needs to walk, so we continue. With some time and incouraging words, Ryan stands. He's tall, taller than I rememeber.

  He smiles, even though we both know he's in alot of pain. It's the last thing I expect, but he hugs me. I may be a normal height, but Ryan is just tall enough that my arms wrap around his torso and my head rests on his shoulder. And it was the best hug. Ever.