To Fall Apart

Day 4: 8:48am (Ally)

  My heart is heavy as I sit with Ryan this morning. Only one guard stands by the door this morning. We all know Ryan would be hard pressed to get anywhere. What do I do, God? How am I going to get Ryan out of here? Help me. I feel restless, the longer Ryan and I are in here, the more chance of one or both of us dying.

  I stand up and go to the guard, maybe some fresh air will help me. "I want to go on a walk." The guard looks over to Ryan. "He's crippled, he's not going anywhere." I walk out and the guard follows not to far behind. 

  I wander the erie hallways rather aimlessly. What am I supposed to do? David is just one piece on the game board, and a pawn at that. Who is the king? How am I suppose to win the game, is that my job? I'm neck deep in misery when I spot something. A gap in David's defenses. There are no guards in or in the way of the Ag Department where the 3 man helicopter sits. I could get us out of here. I was so happy, I found a way out and there's nothing in my way. 

  The Ag Department was mere yards from the nurse's office and the chopper wasn't much farther. I then sat on a bench in between the office and the Ag Department. I sat in silence and watched as the guards made their rounds. The two guards by the band room. had little sight of the path between Ag and the office. So, one guard would, every 5 minutes, walk away from the band room, glance around and then return to his post.

  David was smart, finding his own weak spots and trying to fix them. But, due to his own meticulous nature, everything was timed to the minute. This made it all the easier for me.  I got up again and returned to Ryan.

  "Hey, Ally." He smiled, big and happy. I smiled back.  "Hey, Ryan. How you holdin' up?" He glanced down at his bandaged leg. "Feelin' great, thanks to these lovely pain meds." He crossed his eyes and made a goofy face. I laugh, and I find I didn't have to force it.

  "That will always be the most beautiful sound to my ears." I sat down on the cot, then slowly lowered myself so I used his chest as a pillow. 

  "Do you love me, Ryan?" He was mostly healed now, but could he move? His eyes once so dull hanging on to life, now shone bright. His eyes were wonderful and lovely, tragic and heartbreaking. Just like his words. "Yes, Ally. I really do." I closed my eyes, savoring the sound of his voice. "This would have been so much easier if you had said 'no." He lifted the hand that wasn't cradling me against him and I felt his callused drummer's hands touch my cheek. So gentle, I had never realized such strong hands could be so gentle.

  "What do you mean?" I open my eyes and find myself drowning in the color of his. "I have to do something, but I needed to know, so I asked, it was stupid. This makes it so much harder." He holds me a little tighter.

  "Than don't do it. Stay here with me." I close my eyes again and breathe him in. Clinging to every second with him I have. "That'd be selfish. How could I do that, Ryan?" He kisses my forehead, a tender, butterfly kiss. "I wish it was a black and white answer, but we live in a grey world." He pauses and I think he's finished when he adds, "I love you. Always. That's my black and white.