The List

chapter 37

 Sitting in front of the TV, I wasn't really sure that this is what Angelica and I wanted. Sure, we wanted to be a family, a true family, but surely there was a better way than doing this?

I twisted my hands in my lap as I contemplated this thought, tuning out the sound of Angelica's footsteps as she came into the living room.

"Geez!" She exclaimed, eyes scanning over my tense figure. "It's Dad. What's the worst he'll say to us?"

I raised my head in annoyance as I hissed, "He could hit us! What do you mean what's the worst he'll say to us? I'm not worried about his words Angelica!"

She winced at my hostile tone and sat quickly down next to me, though on the far side of the couch, her hands mocking mine as they twisted.

Shit.

The last thing I wanted to do was upset her right now, we were supposed to be a united front against our father, show that we wanted to do this together, and how could we do that when I literally just snapped at her? I basically alienated her.

And I'm sure my words were just as sharp as our father's could be.

His heavy footfalls became audible as he neared the staircase and our heads snapped up.

"Is it too late to bail?" She whispered to me.

Our father came into view.

"Yes."

The fear that rose in me was muffling, and the voice I once had, was extinguished.

Our dad's eyes landed on us, and as he came to the landing in front of the stairs, he frowned at us. "Why are you guys looking at me like that?"

While I feared he'd come out of his room a mess, hair strewn across his face and bags layering under his eyes he looked...presentable. He didn't look as nice as he typically did when he went into the office, but he certainly wasn't covered in his own vomit.

"We wanted to talk," Angelica spoke, her voice shaking slightly. I scooted closer to her and grabbed her hand. "About us. About us being a family."

"I—um," He shifted from foot to foot, unsure, until he came to sit in the only open chair, the rocking chair besides the TV.

Our mother's rocking chair.

"Okay," he said tentatively, nervously looking between the two of us.

I began to talk before Angelica had the chance. From the way her voice shook and how she clutched back at my hand, I supposed she needed me to take over. "We think that it's time we start working on our issues. About Mom's death, and about the way we've needed you over these past few years. We want—we want to be a family Dad." I stumbled over my last few words as his eyes began to fill with tears.

But I was more angry than anything else. He's crying? He doesn't have that right. We should be crying and he should be begging to work on his relationship with us.

"I think that's a good idea girls." He roughly wiped the tears away from his eyes with the flesh of his palms. "I'll talk to my coworkers if they know any family therapists. They're all attorneys so I expect they all have therapists for their kids anyways," he joked.

We didn't laugh.

His resolve faltered. "I know I'm not a good father and I know I've caused damage to you both and...and I'm sorry for that. It's hard," he paused as he began to tear up again. "She would be so upset with me if she could see how I've treated you both."

Despite myself, I felt my anger taper slightly. He was truly our only link to our mother, what she was like, how she would've loved us. And despite my anger, I so longed to hear stories about her, about our parents falling in love, building a relationship with my father.