I Live to the End

1

Noah's funeral was the next Sunday. Were funerals usually put together so easily? My dad made sure I had a say in everything, he thought I would know him best. I guess he was right, but there were a few things I had to talk to Duncan about to get a second opinion.

Duncan wasn't doing much better than I was. His aunt had died a few years earlier so he at least knew how to grieve. I had never known my mother and didn't feel the need to grieve her. Of course, I missed her and wished I had known her, but that's different from what I had constantly been feeling since the paramedics had shown up and officially declared him dead.

With my mother, I felt a longing for the memories I wished I could have with her. I wanted to know how she would react to things and what her laugh sounded like and what her favorite food was. I longed for the person motherhood could have made her.

With Noah, it was completely different. I had those memories with him. I knew how he reacted to everything, I knew what his laugh sounded like and what his fake laugh sounded like. I knew what his favorite food was. My dad had invited Duncan and Mia over after the funeral and we ate it.

I was surprised by how many people had shown up to his funeral. I knew he was well liked, but I didn't' think people actually cared about him this much. He usually only hung out with Duncan so I sometimes forgot he had school friends.

My dad had spoken to the same pastor who had led my mother's funeral to lead Noah's. He talked for a while, then Duncan talked for a while. He only managed to finish part of his speech before he left the stage crying. I had never seen Duncan cry before and it was something I knew I would never forget. The image of him holding back his sobs before he finally couldn't. The sound of his choking back his tears. I would always remember it.

My dad talked next, he didn't do much better, but he managed to cry quietly and finish his speech before he started sobbing. He had lost his wife having us, now he lost one of us.

Mia talked next. She had been just as much of a friend to me as she had to him. She talked about the day we all met on the first day of kindergarten. It was the start of our friendship. She made it through most of her speech but had to cut her ending short. I was proud of her for managing to get through so much of her speech. I know it wasn't easy for her. He was like a brother to her.

I did the worst of any of us. I was the last speaker before the pastor would close the ceremony. I don't know if I could even be considered a speaker with how short my speech was. I managed to say two sentences between my tears before I started sobbing and Mia had to lead me off the stage. I didn't talk to anyone the rest of the day. I had eaten dinner in silence then immediately went to my room. Mia and Duncan came upstairs to say goodbye and lingered a bit to make sure I was okay, but they knew I wasn't. They knew I wouldn't be okay for a long time, but I didn't know if I would ever be okay.

I had rarely left my room since after the funeral. Occasionally I would sneak out to get some food or water when I knew my dad was either asleep or not home. Mia and Duncan had come over a few times but left quickly when they saw I wasn't interested in talking about school with them.

I knew grief was a common pain fro people who had just lost someone close to them but was guilt? I had a bad feeling about him leaving and I gave him the keys anyway. I could've fought him harder to stay. And what was I doing when he crashed? He crashed when I was outside sledding or skating and having fun. My own brother was dying and I was having fun and laughing. I should have known something was wrong. I shouldn't have been able to have so much fun while he was in pain.

I could never tell Mia or Duncan any of that. They would think I'm crazy or try to convince me I'm wrong, but I'm not. I know I'm not wrong. It was easiest to just not talk to them or anyone.