A A A A A H H H H---

♡︎ deep confessions p.1

⚠︎ unedited chapter, wrote this way before. just a reminder that this book was just a small diary of mine before deciding to publish it. This chapter is based on how i felt that kind of time. Feel free to skip if you want. This may contain uninspiring words...

♡︎

Year 2019, the worst fucking year ever. The year I transferred to another school again. I felt nervous, excited, thinking it would be a good change after what happened during first year highschool.
I tried to ask for advice from my family...didn't exactly help me, pfft--

There they go again, thinking it's bad or uncool. They tell you to be yourself, and that being ' weird ' is not cool. I never said I wanted to be cool. Being weird is just part of my personality.

I knew it wasn't good to tell the others you had an attraction towards other genders. Being part of the lgbtq+ community when I'm being raised not to be like them.

I don't like you. I don't know how I am going to accept you but I am going to try to bear with you anyway. There's no stopping you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that you are bi. I didn't want to be like this.

Once school started, I wasn't comfortable. It's my sixth day but no, I definitely didn't feel like I belong there. My classmates were hella popular, kinda hard to keep up but they invited me to their lunch table and aha, it screams toxic. All they did was talk behind people's backs...and I made a fucking huge mistake with that. I started to tell them secrets too to get along with them. Get a load of this dumbass.

Honestly, I thought this school would be much better but I don't feel like it is. I didn't have real friends or someone to listen and talk to.
Every morning is just awkward, I look for someone to talk to but no one would be available and just stare at me and whisper to themselves. So I pretend I was going to my locker, or just walking around like an idiot.
And...one night, I was overthinking in the apartment...and had a breakdown.
My parents eventually found out how I felt and tried to encourage me. My mom says that my main goal is to learn. To be honest, my goal was to find myself. I've been complaining, ranting, crying myself to sleep and I have only been here for 6 days and I am hurting. Obviously, I am not enjoying this.
Feeling lonely, having no one to talk to, no one to listen, being awkward, not being excited to go to school, being stupid, fake.
It's also my mistake for being fake, I pretended to like things I don't even like. But it's the only way to get along with them or they just ignore me.
They already think I'm weird when I just showed 14% of my weirdness, lol.
Most of the time they...leave me out, have jokes I don't even get so I laugh fake-ly and wait for the days to end. This is not me. I can't be myself when I'm around them.

Friday came, I joined this small band...everyone thought it was weird because the members were diagnosed with disorders. I thought it was unfair that they are being treated that way. They were fine though, we didn't exactly talk. They were looking for a female singer so they came to me cause I kept humming everyday or was either in the music room writing songs or shit. We performed once though. Oh, and the leader of the band, he was a famous actor in the country, got into movies, commercials, etc.

And then...everything went downhill. The band eventually broke up. This bitch exposed my secret of being bisexual and then....a guy threatened me he'd expose my secret if I wouldn't do everything he said, lmao. He really that pathetic?

And a new student came to our batch and I felt left out once again. She got good treatment from them probably because she was pretty and less boring than me. Ha.
I admit though, she's way cooler, prettier, more fun to hang out.
Andddd, okay, I got jealous of the unfair treatment. All of them started to swarm her and immediately became best friends while on my first day, no one came to me. I still sit with them, just as a standby though. They immediately told her secrets, the toxic people, crushes, etc.