bruises // heathers

personal update

As this is my story with the most views, I always figure this is the best way to reach my audience with updates on stories or my personal life.

Sadly, I do have some uncertainty to share with you all today but I'd like to start on a more positive note.

I have a new job. It's not anything fabulous, simply retail. The exciting part of having a job for me is that I get to finally partake in something I've dreamed of for years.

Ballet.

I took my first ballet class today and it was intense. Definitely harder than I had anticipated but I'm willing to challenge myself to excel in this new art form.

On this expedition, I will be documenting it to share on my YouTube channel which is under the same name as this account. I hope that some of you like what I already release on YouTube and that many of you will follow my ballet journey.

The thing is that there's always a downside to every upside in life. My current downside is the reemergence of some health issues I've struggled with in the past.

As a little girl, I had to have ear tube surgery to help drain my ears. This is due to a chronic case of "Glue Ear". The normal stuff behind one's eardrum does not drain for me, it hardens and presses on them to the point where it causes pain.

I was eight when I had my previous surgery and it is likely I will need another one. One concern I have is that my eardrums are already very scarred and this will make the scarring worse, which can impact my hearing.

The other concern is that it's already doing that. I am having difficulty hearing people in day-to-day life.

At work, I mishear customers. Specifically when I'm behind the register. I often times put in people's phone numbers wrong to search them up in our rewards system.

At ballet, I couldn't understand what my teacher was saying. Everyone else heard and comprehended what she was teaching but I was having a lot of problems.

At home, a family member will be a room away and I won't be able to distinguish the words they're saying. I can hear that they're talking, but I don't understand any of it.

It's very distressing to be nineteen and realize how poor your hearing is. Especially since hearing aids were discussed the last time I had surgery.

I'm terrified that I will lose my hearing. That I won't be able to hear the way my boyfriend tells me he loves me, to hear my best friend laugh or to hear my family members talk over one another.

The thought is utterly terrifying and has been causing me a great deal of anxiety.

This anxiety has been impacting my writing. I'm anxious a lot lately and it's causing me to not be able to get into the headspace I need to be in to write. Despite the severity and graphic nature of the things I write, I usually write in a very calm mood.

Writing is a relaxing thing for me but lately it has not been. Every word in an actual story feels like hell to put down. I feel sloppy and inconsistent in what I've been writing. This is also worsened by the fact that I'm struggling with some ideas for stories.

It's been hard to put down any words that will form a coherent story. I'm slowly piecing one together but it's very difficult due to my stress level.

Working is also contributing to my stress, which I'm aware of. I'm lucky to get two days a week but it is a very different environment from my first job. In retail, you really do have to put on a mask while you work.

For those who might not know, I'm autistic. I was diagnosed right before I turned seventeen. My diagnosis gave me the freedom to stop hiding who I was.

Working retail requires a level of pretending that is mentally exhausting for me. I have to mask, which is to basically act as if I am not autistic.

I have not even told my employer or any coworkers that I'm autistic because it's what cost me my last job. I was fired within a week of telling the boss that I'm autistic.

As far as work is concerned, I have anxiety. I can't ever really hide my anxiety due to my little tells. I crack my knuckles and fidget among other things. It's very obvious I have anxiety when you see me in person.

But to suppress my stims and act like I'm neurotypical when I'm not is also greatly impacting my mental health. Masking is very damaging for autistic people. It's also often required to keep a job.

Aside from my health issues and anxiety, I'm doing okay. My personal life is fine.

It's just the struggles of work life and health problems that are causing issues for me.

I apologize for the fact that things have been slow since Broken ended. I'm sorry that they likely will continue to be slow.

I hope you all understand that sometimes writing is not helpful for me to do. Sometimes it isn't helpful for me to share.

I pride myself on believing that my work is the best it can be when I release it. Hindsight is a bitch about a lot of my stories but I don't want to share something I hate from day one. Sharing my writing puts me in a very vulnerable place. If I don't love what I wrote or feel pride in it, I won't share it with anyone.

Just know that I am going to continue trying to write through all of this.

I once again thank you all for your support, as I always have it when I share this sort of thing.

- Kaitie