TOUCH (KNJ)

SEVENTEEN

A/N: This is a trigger warning since this chapter is going to be extremely angsty and of course it contains a grotesque description of sexual violence and trauma. For anybody who is sensitive to such content: Please skip this to the next A/N. I'm so sorry if something like this has ever happened to you and my pms are always open for everybody. 

"My ex-boyfriend had called me over for movie night. We both had a common best friend and we met through him. It was all fine untill my boyfriend started to uh, like kiss and touch me in front of him. I told him that it would be awkward for my best friend and that we can do anything he'd want after we'll be in our room." Ivy said tucking her feet under her knees, sitting on the couch, covered in goosebumps as all of it played in front of her eyes again. 

Namjoon on the other hand was desperate to make her stop. It was hurting him to see her in such a vulnerable state. Scared beyond belief. He couldn't even imagine how hard it would be for her to say it when he himself was feeling this way. 

"I told him no twice but he still continued to kiss and touch me, he just kept going on. My best friend, his name was Allie, he was flustered seeing everything but it was planned right from the beginning. I asked for his help when I couldn't push Chris off me. He just looked straight into my eyes without any shame, any regret. He didn't help me but he sure did help him." She took a deep breath, not even bothering to wipe her tears or look at him. Even if she started for him, she was gonna complete this for herself. 

Namjoon slowly shifted on the couch, very delicately tapping her forearm. The life in her eyes returned as she turned her head to look at him. He smiled at her opening his arms wide. She tried to smile back shifting into his embrace quickly. He wrapped his arms around her tightly, before getting up from the couch with her. She held onto his neck as he carried her to the bedroom confusing her. 

"Wear something warm, I'm taking you somewhere out." He said making her stand on the bed. 

"Where?" She asked confused as to why he'd wanna go out in the middle of something like that. 

"A pretty place I found a few months ago," he said putting on his coat and sweater too. 

She nods before quickly putting on her warmest clothes. He extending an arm towards her but she hopped towards him, latching onto his neck instead. He smiled before carrying her properly and locking the door behind himself with the hand that wasn't holding her. To him, it was such a plus point that she was significantly smaller than him. Easier to carry and hold. 

Ivy was confused within herself. She found it fascinating how even if she had just fought with him, it all perished into just a small argument within minutes. Maybe he was just too in love or maybe she was. 

As soon as they went down the elevator, Namjoon held onto her wrist before slowly moving his hands downwards towards her palm. His fingers aligned with hers as he slowly interlocked first their pinkies then their ring fingers and so on, one by one locking their hands in a tight grasp. It was almost as if he was asking for permission at first but then he just took control of it, not letting go whether permission granted or not. The two walked hand in hand, Ivy following Namjoon while trying to match their steps together. No matter how she looked at it, it was impossible, he had too long legs and his strides being even longer. He had noticed a while ago what she was trying to do but to him it was adorable to watch her try and walk faster. She let out a frustrated groan to herself and he immediately slowed down. 

"How far is it?", she asked looking around. It was a fairly empty area, just a lot of trees and almost no light. They had been walking for a while now but it could've been faster. Only if she had a car or he knew how to drive one. 

"We're here," he states, sitting down on the grass and Ivy being pulled along because of their intertwined hands. He laid down on the grass eyes on the sky above while she too did the same, their hands getting separated along the way but he was quick to intertwine then again. Both of them looked up at the stars. The sky filled with little bleakely visible constellations and everything around silent like the dead. 

"Now, continue. I wanna know everything." He said as softly as possible. 

"Oh, uh, so I tried yelling for help but it wasn't helping at all, nobody was home, my screams must've been just the sound of empty vessels bouncing on the walls of the house and the ears of people I hate with all my life. Allie was my best friend since childhood so I thought that just maybe he wouldn't do anything but I was so wrong. I had always been wrong about them." 

He used his thumb to rub over the back of her hand. A small action speaking volumes. 

"Everything's like a blur right now, I don't remember how they touched me but I remember the feeling of their hands on my skin. I remember how I bled and how the bruises on my skin stayed there for days, reminding me everyday what happened." She stopped for a moment, chuckling sardonically before turning her head, wiping Namjoon's tears. 

A/N: Continue, only slightly triggering content in the next paragraph.

"Nobody believed me Namjoon. Nobody except Em and that was why I stayed friends with her. She believed me because he came onto her too, except she gave him consent and I didn't. It was heartbreaking to know my boyfriend cheated on me with my own friend but it was more heartbreaking to acknowledge that he, the man I thought I'd marry, had infact raped me. With my own god damn best friend. Heck, I thought of him as a brother." 

"What happened to them after everything happened?" Namjoon said breaking the silence that had prevailed after the last statement. Ivy just shrugged in response before speaking. 

"Chris apologized a lot of times but Allie just vanished. He never contacted me again and changed schools. Soon Chris took off with his family too, every single person denying that the real reason they were leaving was because their almighty son had done something so horrible and disgusting. I was so scared Nam, so fucking scared of anybody touching me, doing what they did." Namjoon gulped, silently thinking how hard it must've been for her. 

"Have you ever been scared of me like you were of them after it happened?" He asked hesitantly.

"Never. You make the fears in me go away and I want to be able to do the same to you." 

"What you do to me is what nobody has ever done before." 

She just glanced at him rolling onto her side and then snuggling into his side. He looks down at her through the small layer of water in his eyes, turning side ways too. 

"I'm an open book in front of you now, I've told you what I couldn't tell anybody. I might look uptight and sad but I'm happy too, and I can too, help you. I am stable enough Joon." 

"I know. This is who I am Ivy, I've been doing this my whole life. I gulp and gulp and gulp all my emotions till one day it all comes crashing down onto one person. I've done it to you twice and once to Yoongi. I regret every single time I've done it. I'm afraid of hurting people like you and Yoongi but everytime you try harder by yourself and everytime I hurt myself by hurting you." 

"You make me feel safer than I've ever felt ," she whispered as softly as she could, not scared or hesitant of her feelings anymore. 

He remains quiet for a moment, processing it. He just confessed that he was wrong without even apologizing after he blamed everything onto her. He had thought this would drive her away from him but guess plans don't always work. He had assumed that she would've possibly seen he wasn't that pretty at his worst and would've maybe decided to leave. 

"It wouldn't be enough to say this but you complete me Ivy, you fill that void in me."