Infatuation - an ALAN RICKMAN fanfiction

Chapter 8 - Perspective

[M rating for drug references] 

The day of Olivia's audition arrived much too quickly. She had memorized the famous Romeo and Juliet balcony scene - her performance piece. She knew it back to front, yet her confidence and drive was practically non-existant.

The fact she would have to deliver the famous speech where Juliet longs for her Romeo hit her like a truck to the chest. Talk about irony, when she would have to deliver her lines in front of a panel of teachers, one of them being Alan.

The ballsey Olivia she'd always portrayed was nothing more than an illusion of her original self that paled in comparison – sensitive, fragile, damaged. Wishing she had have discussed with Alan that he be absent from the audition, Olivia sat on the end of the bed and tossed the script aside. Her head fell to her hands and she pushed back her dark curls wondering how she was going to find the strength she needed to get through this.

Her eyes found the bag of coke on her dresser and magnetized to it – the one thing she knew could help her and would give her the push and confidence to stand up and deliver her lines.

The old Olivia would have killed to be in this position - about to audition for her final examination - the one that auditioned for RADA in the first place. She knew she couldn't pass up this opportunity, especially with Alan's words repeating in her ear.

The choice was that Olivia either auditioned for her final production or she'd fail her final year, and both of them scared her terribly. She owed it to her grandma, she owed it to Alan and most importantly she owed it to herself, and yet, she wasn't convinced. Alan's words replayed in her mind the last time they had a conversation – "Be true to yourself and put your best foot forward. No one else is going to do it for you. You're the pilot."

Olivia knew she needed to find her drive again, to put herself first, to rekindle her love for acting, to apply his words into action.

'Fake it until you make it' - she had recalled the famous saying although equally despised it as it was a mantra she applied to guys, always hoping for something more to develop. Definitely not a mantra to apply for her audition. She would simply have to suffice with 'doing her best.

And so Olivia threw on her coat with a sigh, and left for her scheduled audition.

The quarter filled bag of coke in her pocket threatened to burn a hole in it. She had fumbled with it the entire walk to the academy, telling herself she wouldn't need it, that she could get by without it, but her feet took over and lead her in the direction of the girl's bathroom before they ever reached the stage door.

With anxiety inhabiting her so greatly she was beginning to jitter, Olivia closed the lid on the toilet, took out a book from her bag, placed it on her lap and prepared two lines of coke, promising herself this would be the very last time. Two other girls had entered the bathroom and were excitedly sharing the experience of their auditions.

"I think it went well! If I get chosen, we're all going out to celebrate! That's if I don't die of shock." A chorus of girly laughter filled the bathroom.

Olivia rolled her eyes as she rolled a bank note tight in her fingers, but secretly deep down she wished she could be that confident.

"Can you imagine! There are so many big shots who come to watch the end of year performances. I could be scouted!"

When Olivia had rolled, she brushed back her hair, raised the book to her face and without another thought, snorted the snowy white powder as absentmindedly as throwing a piece of gum into her mouth.

By the time she walked out of the bathroom, she felt like a different person, and made her way down to the studio where she met Alan coming down the corridor. His presence took her breath away; she hadn't expected it. Such confidence, and a small smile that played about the corner of his lips when they clocked each other.