DEAR DAXTON (A Letter to My Ex)

DEAR DAXTON

Daxton,

I can only imagine the look of surprise on your face when you received this letter. I bet greater is the shock that is etched on your face as your eyes glide over the words I have written.

How are you chulo? You must be having the time of your life. It is with a heavy heart I write this because I never really thought I'd contact you after the breakup. Heck, I don't even know what has come over me. I am writing to you to pour out my heart one last time and tell you how you turned a beautiful butterfly into an ugly caterpillar.

Funny how the transition is from a caterpillar into a butterfly yet I am using the reverse. That is exactly how I have transitioned since you ripped a part of my heart and discarded it. I was once as beautiful as a butterfly but you have made sure that I have retrogressed into an ugly caterpillar.

I read somewhere that love is an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person and that to love somebody isn't just a strong feeling but it is a decision, a judgement and a promise. And I couldn't have agreed more with whoever wrote this.

I guess what you felt for me wasn't really love. I guess the strong feelings you said you had for me didn't really count since in the end you didn't choose me. You made your decision and in that decision I wasn't the one you chose.

What happened to us? What went wrong? Was I not good enough? These questions haunt me every single day.

Many at times I have gazed into space, physically present in the moment but mentally out of it wondering what it was I could have done differently for you to stay.

Maybe I should have told you I loved you more? Or maybe I should have dressed like most of the girls we saw? Or perhaps I wasn't beautiful enough for you.

I would see a happy couple and I would feel sad and broken. Yes Dax, I would just become sad and then gradually I would feel a wave of depression cocoon around me. That is what you've turned me to. The once happy and bubbly girl I was is long gone- she abandoned me the day you did and in her place in this cold, empty and closed off girl I am today.

I gave my all to you and did everything in my power to make us work but I guess my everything was not quite enough as you didn't choose me.

Do you remember the times we spent discussing our future together? During those times you would just pause, gaze into my eyes and say those words that never seized to make my heart thud a little bit faster- I LOVE YOU. What I loved more was your response anytime I said it back.

You would tell me you loved me more and at that moment I can swear I was the luckiest and happiest girl alive. What I hadn't known was that those words were just your way of luring me in.

You hold a title as the guy with a lot of my firsts. My first kiss. My first boyfriend. My first love. The first guy in whose bed I first laid. The first guy in whose arms I slept. Even the first guy in whose room I spent the night. You are the first person I looked forward to talking to and the last person I hoped to talk to. I found myself always wanting to be with you, sharing experiences together.

Whenever I think of how much of myself I gave to you I cry. I cry because I had told myself I wouldn't completely give myself to a guy I was involved with but then you came along and all the plans and decisions I had made concerning my relationships, just went down the toilet.

I cry because I was a fool- a fool to have completely given myself to you and believed all that you promised me.

Do you remember you promised me forever?

Do you remember all the fun and memorable times we had? Do you remember making me promise never to leave you and I had because I knew my heart had recognized and accepted you and there was no one else it would want but you.

Such a naïve girl I was.

What I regret about that time is not making you promise me the same. But then again you probably would have still broken up with me and left my heart shattered into a million pieces.

I want to hate you. Believe me I really want to, but I can't seem to find it in me to do that. I have never been the one to hate people and I can't possibly hate my first love. This is not to say I like you. At this moment you are my very least favourite person.

Every night of the first three months after the breakup I cried myself to sleep. Subsequently the tears stopped flowing as freely but a few slipped out anytime I saw, heard or felt something that reminded me of you.

A year and a half after and I still remember the pain you caused me. I have tried so many times to move on but all efforts proved futile and so I have given up.

I have given up on trying to find reasons why you ended things between us. I have given up on trying to find the reason why I wasn't enough for you. I have given up on hoping that you would come back some day crying and asking for my forgiveness. I have given up on trying to move on. I have given up on love, at least for now.

Instead, I would focus on myself. I would work hard on rediscovering myself and being comfortable with the person I am. And most importantly I would allow myself to heal from all the hurt and pain in me. I am going to channel all my energy into being the best version of myself and who knows? Maybe then I would be able to open myself and my heart up to this thing called love.

But for now I just want you to know that you didn't win Daxton. I refuse to let you win. I refuse to give you that much control over me. I am choosing to unconditionally love myself and choosing to choose myself every day, all day, any day.

Yours sincerely,
your lost love.