Broken Fame

It all started because of a show?

I found this new show on Netflix named Julie and the Phantoms and I was reserved to watch this because I typically like things that are true and display art. Dance and design with singing are my favorite art forms. That is what this was. 

Now, I grew up in a showbiz family but behind the scenes. My mother was a makeup artist, father did set dressing, stepdad writes, great-grandma married a jazz musician, Her father worked with theater. Creativity is in our blood. Every person in that bloodline is beyond creative in many ways. Since I was used to that Hollywood vibe I never really got crushes. If I did have a "crush" I was pretending because of boy crazy friends or some other reason to blend in.  

Yet, when I saw this show my life changed and it made me feel broken. There is an actor named Charlie Gillespie. I guess you would want the actors' character name which is Luke. Again I do not get starstruck and I still to this day am not that fangirl. This was different. 

Personally, when I truly start to like a guy I hate it. I never had the best experience nor a real boyfriend. Partly I get scared and they are not man enough yet or I meet the wrong guy and only get hurt and most often I am never fake and only me. I will dance on the street. I will wear a crazy outfit in a store. Sometimes I will just be in my own world doing me watching spinning story lines in my head. Of course, there was a time when I was determined to fit in because it is hard not having a good childhood and not forcing myself into a fake world of fake people. It gets lonely. In elementary, most of my friends were only my friends because they met famous people and it made me sick. When I lie I throw up or get sick. I just cannot be fake without consequesnses. Because of all this, I do not have good relationships and I just need someone real who does not fit the mold. 

I had an idea that if I met someone who made me stop being afraid I would go after him. Sadly, I found someone and all I want to do is get to know them and at least be friends but I have no way of doing that. When it comes to famous poeple I will not Dm them, post about them, do everything to get there attention. I am only writing this because I have never felt this kind of vulnerable. I can only describe this as broken.