isolation [matty healy]

pt. 17: future

i woke up again, realizing that i had fallen asleep for a second time in matty's arms. despite being in an awkward position on the floor, i was extremely comfortable.

i turned my head, looking into my kitchen, and squinted my eyes. i could see the flashing clocks on my appliances. looks like the power came back on at some point.

i nuzzled my head back to where i was, leaning into matty's chest. i wasn't sure how comfortable he was, or if he was a light sleeper, so considering that i then tried to limit my movements as much as i could. i didn't want to disturb him.
i thought back on the day (is it still today? how long have we been sleeping?), noticing the lightness in my chest. i could feel my breathing come easier, and i attributed it all to telling matty about my past. now that i had spoken it out loud, it didn't have control over me. he didn't have control over me.

i thought about the power of words, and the power of connection. i thought about words having the ability to give much needed strength to people, and the ability they had to completely destroy a person. i thought about that stupid letter.

the letter was truly the last road block on this part of my journey, and that was one that i was willing to put off for atleast a few more years. maybe after a couple more years of intense counseling? i thought, rolling my eyes at myself.

i flicked my eyes back to matty, and observed his sleeping face. suddenly, he was stirring, and so i leaned back against the couch, attempting to give him space. for what may have been the first time ever, i finally didn't feel uneasy about being physically close to him, and that was such a weight off my shoulders. it was exhausting to constantly be worried about accidentally bumping into the person i like, and now i felt comfortable enough to fall asleep on the floor next to him.
i had made weird progress, but it was progress nonetheless.

in my head, i started counting his eyelashes, feeling mildly jealous at how long and full they were. why do guys always have amazing lashes?

i heard him start to groan in his sleep, and then he rolled and tipped over, landing on a pillow flat on the ground. he shot back up, eyes wide, and met my eyes. he took a moment to recognize his surroundings, and then he leaned against the couch next to me, looking peaceful again.

"good morning," i said to him, clearing my throat. "well, i think it's morning." he nodded at me.

"it feels like morning," matty replied in his groggy voice, yawning. "might be cloudy, but there's light coming in your windows, there," he pointed behind my head, and i slowly turned.

sure enough, the sun seemed to be peeking through the blinds. i wasn't ready to get up and lose the little world we were in, so instead of getting up, i scooted in closer to him and pulled a blanket back over us, yawning right after him.
he put an arm around my shoulder, and then used his other arm to grab a pillow.

"i don't want to ruin the moment, but, em, i need to put this pillow between us before you come any closer, carrie," he said sheepishly.

i blushed right away and leaned away from him, my eyes meeting the ceiling immediately.

"sorry," i said, and he pulled me back into his arms once he set the pillow down. "i guess it's probably been awhile since you woke up next to a girl, and also didn't have underwear on. and were also wearing that girl's joggers. which you can definitely keep, by the way."

he laughed at my shy rambling, and shook his head. "it's my bad. i'll buy you a new pair."

after he said that, we went back and forth for a few minutes; me arguing and saying there was no reason for him to buy me anything, and him being insistent that he repay me in some way. i finally said okay, and then we sat in comfortable silence again for a few moments.