You hold my heart (still)

goodbye.

I miss you. And I am going to miss you for a long time even after you're really gone. I am yet to make peace with it, but it's a slow progress, and not straight at that. It comes and goes like the waves of the tormented sea after a storm. Some days I feel at peace and other days it only takes a genuine smile to take me back. (Sorry, poetic side's showing...)
Even if I'm not sure I'll ever have the courage to hand you this page or that it would make a difference, I want you to know how grateful I am for you. For the opportunity of getting to know you and to truly being able to call you my friend. Because that is always what you were to me: a friend before anything else. Even at times when I did not deserve it. I am sorry for that. You did not deserve what I have put you through at one point or another. Thank you for always either coming back for me, or letting me back.
Over these past four years you have been such an important part of my life that it terrified me and it still does to be honest, to know that I have to let this go. Even if you don't realise, you have helped me through quite difficult times and gave me memories for a lifetime. Such heavy words... you know me though, it wouldn't be me without this.
After all this time, I want to tell you, that although then I did feel like you owe me an apology and you did give me one, it was never true. Whatever you did, that was your choice, for yourself and I don't want you to feel like you owe anyone even an explanation. You don't and you never did. Including me. I am only asking you to let yourself be happy more. You deserve it.

Over the quarantine I realised some things and was able to finally get my priorities straight, and one thing that hit me was, that you were right, I wasn't in love with you when we dated. I was immature, childish and scared (mostly because I didn't want to loose you). But you were wrong about the part that you assumed I was never in love with you, ever. I was and I might still am, to be honest, but I don't know and it's selfish of me to tell you that. I realise it was selfish last year and now. But I am truly grateful about how you always handled me and let me tell you whatever was on my mind. You never made me feel bad about it. Though I'm not sure if it was fair of me to "burden" you with it, but still. I know that I've never been easy and now I see what volumes it speaks about your person how you acted.
I know it's getting long, but I only need this one time to tell you everything. And remember, you don't owe me to read it, it's your choice. Only if you have the mental space for it. I understand, whatever your choice.

I fell in love somewhere after we broke up. (And no, even if you think so, I never hated you. I hated myself for the timing and projected it onto you because that was the easier way to go.)
I missed you so much while seeing you every singe day. Seeing you happy with someone else. Well, as I said, I was selfish. And I apologise for any problems I created for you and for distracting you (or at least making and effort to).
You're one of the best people I know, genuinely. You're a good person and no one should be able to make you feel otherwise.
I would never reverse time nor change anything that happened. After all, I still believe that it was worth everything else, for me. I really hope it meant something to you too, but I'll never be brave enough to ask for an honest answer and whatever the truth is, I know you would never hut me on purpose, either way.
You helped me work on my anxiety and overthinking, and to know myself better. I don't know where or rather, who I'd be without your help, but I think this is for the best. You had an impact on me like no one had before you.
I am terrified to close everything behind myself, because as I said, as I grew, you were a part of it. I'm not sure how I'll cope, but I came this far and I know that this is for the better. For the both of us.
I've been sitting over this, for like two hours straight, or even more, occasionally drifting off into memories. There are so many things I'd want to tell you but I don't know how. Not anymore. We're way past that by now. It breaks my heart, but I don't know what now.

After everything, if you need me anytime, or just someone who'd listen to you, even if I'm not around, you can always count on me, okay?
I'm never going to expect the same, you've done enough, so just promise me one thing, please: that you are going to try to be happy. I believe in you and everything you dreamt. You're smart, you're going to find a way.

I hope i gave you memories to remember too, but anyways,
Goodbye.

Lots of love,
xx