You hold my heart (still)

beach.

Today the ocean seemed particularly peaceful. Small waves gathered around the shore and left the sand dark, wet. It's like they were trying to archive something, leave a trail behind before they are gone. They vanished in front of our eyes. Back into the endless water, into the bottomless depth. All it took was a few moments. Never ending cycle of the salty waves.

When I was smaller, I used to love swimming in it. Not seeing the bottom and being on top of -what it seemed to me then - the world, made me feel powerful. As I grew, it soon dawned on me how mistaken I was. I had no power over the ancient force of our nature, nor did I have the power to change what I allowed it to do. My tries were met by strength far greater than human beings could possibly ever understand. One can see and imagine the strength, but not truly understand it. It's in our veins to underestimate it. It always was and always will be, even the time after us.

As I stood there, wondering, philosophizing and analyzing, my eyes were hung on the horizon. What beauty and grace. All I wanted to be was a painter. Talented enough to capture the impressions and at the same time, capture the sight, as it was. No filters or corrections needed.

The sky turned from bright blue to lilac, pink, salmon, red, orange, yellow and each and every combination of them at the same time, in front of me. There were no word to describe it. I felt euphoria stirring in my chest, growing bigger by the minute.

I felt the indescribable feeling of never wanting another minute to pass. Wanting to spend an infinity in that particular moment.

The kind of moment that makes your heart burst and gives you chills at the same time. The knowledge that anything that happens next, will always be compared to this moment. And it will never be the same. It will never be enough. It will never fulfill you. Because anything that happens next is not comparing to the euphoria you feel.

Motionless I stood there, on the sand, my feet in the water. I didn't feel the time passing and I couldn't take my eyes off the horizon. The sun setting into the ocean with such grace, anyone could have stirred in jealousy. But no-one did. The sun left a trail behind, just for a minute, on the motionless water in the far-off distance. It was clearly calling my name. The wind brought its voice with him, I heard him whispering to me. Urging me to follow it and to never let it out of sight.

My body was numb, but my mind was somewhere else. I didn't feel the little waves crashing against my skin, painting it with salt and grains of sand.

My eyes fixed on the horizon, where I last saw the trail and heard the voice of an ageless force, I stepped closer. Step after step I went in. The water got colder. More demanding as it seemed. Step after step and soon the tip of my dress was caught by a gentle force. It got into the reach of the waves.

I felt someones hand take mine. First I did not acknowledge it, I stepped further. The grip tightened and that's when I finally woke from the ave I fell into. Like a car crashing into the wall, I felt a shock and then everything slowed down. Cautiously, I turned my head away from the water or the sky, I didn't know anymore, what I was looking at.

I gazed at my hand, clutched by another. With my eyes, I followed it upwards. And there you were. Standing in front of me with a slight grin on your face. I saw it in your eyes, you understood it. You understood me. All of me.

You pulled me closer, into a hug. And that is when I finally felt the grief of letting go. My tears rolled down my cheek, onto your shirt, but it didn't bother us.

We stood there, in the middle of the endless water. The waves gripping and pulling at our clothes, demandingly, but it couldn't stop me anymore. I knew I was finally letting go.