Why Do Tears Keep Falling

Warning

Only those who have suffered truly understand suffering."

 

"If you want her to keep staying in this house, then she must do something that will make her stay," she said, and from what I'm seeing, nothing is going to be in my favour.

"As of today, I don't want you to look for your sister again. She's no more, and you need to accept the fact that your sister is dead because if she is still alive, she will look for you. I'm tired of all the things you're doing, so stop, but if you said you would continue to look for her, you're free to leave and never step foot into this house again."

My eyes widened with every word. My lips are now bleeding unheeded with the added pressure of my clenched jaw. I draw in a shuddered breath, and I realize how she meant what she just said because the certainty is so real that it leaves no room for argument.

"But Ummi...." Yazid started, but a look was all he got to silence him.

"She has the choice to leave or stay, so don't interfere." I heard her footsteps leaving the place, but my mind was not even processing at that time. My throat was clenched at that, ever-ready tears threatening to flood from my eyes. But I'm not going to let them fall, especially not in their presence.

I ran as fast as I could; I didn't know where I was going because my eyes were blurry. I find a place outside the compound of the house. I sat there and let the tears fall from my eyes.

How can she ask me to stop looking for that one person? I thought life didn't snatch it away from me. That happiness still gives me hope that Maha is still alive, yet I was asked to stop looking for her. I wish I hadn't left her on that day, I wish I didn't fall sick and maybe we will still be together and suffer together.

"What is it again?" Heba asked me in a low voice, but because I was not expecting her to show up at this hour, I was startled and turned to hide my red face, but it was already too late.

"It's nothing," I said, but because of the look she was giving me, I decided to continue: "It's not something big; please don't bother yourself; it's just that I don't know what I'm feeling because it's like life has always been unfair to me. I know she is your mother, but if the same thing happens to you or your brother, will she give up and stop looking for you?"

"It's time you leave and find another job; it's not good for you here," Heba said as she looked into my eyes, hoping I would decide to leave.

"I know, but because I don't have anywhere to go, I'd rather stay here and take all the humiliation. I won't break my promise to not look for my sister again. I can't just abandon her. I just want to know if she is alive or not, and maybe just maybe I will rest in peace knowing that I didn't fail Baba," I said, and a sad smile made its way onto my face.

"Where are your family?" Heba asked me something I don't want to share, something I promise to bury and never remember again, but I couldn't tell her anything. I tell her half the truth.

The sad look on my face with that sad smile and a mixture of pain makes me want to disappear and never come back, and maybe Heba saw that also.

"I'm sorry, you don't have to say anything," she said.

"I don't know my mom; I lost my dad while I was young; my uncle sent us out of his house; and my sister is nowhere to be found." My tone is light, but I can sense the underlying heaviness beneath it.

"And I just realize that without them, having to live this long life alone is too painful for me. If one vanishes and the other ends up alone, I think the latter will be sadder than the former. It'll be more agonizing. Especially if you don't know when you'll die too."

"Are you sure you want to stay here and keep hurting yourself? You can look for another job where you will not go through all this," Heba tried to reason with me.

I look at her as if trying to remember a happy moment, not wanting to forget that moment no matter what life keeps throwing my way.

"I don't know where to go, and I had a hard time before I secured this job. How do you expect me to go and live in a place where I'm not welcome? It's better to live among strangers and receive harsh treatment than live with the people you think you shared something with but were treated as an outsider. It's okay, I will manage because this is not the end of life," I said, trying not to let the emotion show in my voice, but it was hard. It was hard to pretend as if all was well, but in the right sense, it is not.

"Have you tried looking for your sister?" Heba asked.

"I'm tired. I look for her in so many places, but there is no news about her. I don't want her to feel as if I abandoned her. I want to look for her and make sure that she is safe because she is the only one that remains for me in this life."

"I don't know where to start again because I'm tired, even though my mind keeps telling me that she is somewhere around me. I just want to find the only blood I've here in this life," I swallowed, trying hard not to let old memories hurt me.

"You will find her if it's part of your destiny to see each other again. Just keep on praying for a miracle to happen," Heba said, but when she looked at me, a shadow of hurt crossed my eyes as if I didn't believe it would happen and it was true because I didn't believe it will happen.

I've to believe the fact that I lost Maha because if not because of that mistake of mine. Maybe she will still be with me.

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