Why the Stars Shine [ON-HOLD]

Chapter 5

Trigger warning: suicide, mention of death, rape.

Sana panaginip lang

Pero hindi eh. No matter how many times I pinch myself and force myself to sleep. Ngunit sa tuwing didilat ako, dito pa rin ako nagigising.

Sa impyernong ito.

Life has been so hard these past few days. Ilang araw na tahimik ang bahay. No one wants to speak. Everyone's grieving.

Punong-puno ng 'what-ifs' ang bawat isa. Louise still tried to be a brother sa akin. But I was busy pushing him away. Kasi pag lalo siyang na-attach mahihirapan na naman siyang mag-move on.

I was busy pushing everyone away. Kahit mga kaibigan ko di ko na kinakausap. It's better this way. Ayaw kong maranasan nila ang nararanasan ko ngayon. Especially Louise. I don't want him to experience the same pain twice.

I looked at the lines on my wrist. It was still red. Halatang bago pa lamang ito. May mga iilan rin ditong faded na, tanging scar na lamang nito ang natitira.

I decided to reopen some of those cuts that closed. Sobrang manhid na ng katawan ko na di na ako nasasaktan sa simpleng ganito lang, binubuhusan ko pa ito ng alcohol maramdaman ko lang ang sakit.

Anything to distract me from the emotional pain I'm feeling.

Napaka-pathetic man itong desisyon ko para sa iba, this is still what I resort to. Kahit anong gawin ko. Kahit ilang sugat ang muling buksan ko. Mas masakit parin ang emotional pain na nararamdaman ko araw-araw.

I'm mentally and emotionally drained. Iniyak ko na lahat these past few days. Lahat ng pwede kong gawin para saktan ang sarili ko, ginawa ko na.

I even tried forcing myself to have a seizure.

Gusto ko nalang mamatay.

Every breakdown I have, I keep thinking of Lilith. Sinisisi ko ang sarili ko sa lahat ng nangyari. Ako ang ate, if only I was there to be with her. If only I didn't had an attack-

Putangina buhay pa sana siya ngayon eh. Kaso hindi eh.

Inatake pa kasi ang ng putanginang cancer na yan. Kung ako nalang kasi ang namatay...

My thoughts were all over the place.

"Hoy? Faith, ayos ka lang?" Venice asked. I only nodded. Di na ako nagsalita pa.

"Hey you could go home if di mo kaya" dagdag ni Nathan. Umiling naman ako still staring somewhere, gathering my thoughts.

"Pwede ding ihatid na kita-"

"Nathan, stop." Napatahimik sila. "No need. I'm fine guys. Di niyo na kailangan mag-alala"

"But Faith, di namin maiwasan. We know Lilith too, pati kami nagluluksa sis. Wag mong sarilihin..." Venice stared at me hard. She knew me that much huh.

"Okay. Wag nalang kayo makialam sa mga magiging desisyon ko." I said blankly. Mukhang nainis si Venice sa sinabi ko dahil she was just staring hard at me.