Anxiety Flaws

fear

Authors Note: this chapter talks about self harm and Suicide please if you need help tell someone or message me if you need anything please don't off your self

Finally the third year of high school and my last year to play volleyball, we have some pretty cool first years , as I began to write in my journal my hand started to shake, the realization sunk in "This... this is my last year to play with him.. no Suga get that thought out of your head he doesn't like you back ". I slouched back in my chair, almost in tears of fear of him finding out and the fear of my self the thing that gave me nightmares, turning into a female on the court, for years this has haunted me. I tried to get some sleep but it felt like the longest night of my life, I don't quite remember when but sometime during the night I turned into a woman.

Through out the night I tossed and turned, cried out of many things I curled up into a ball, I thought about many things I haven't thought about for years, I finally forced myself out of my bed to go to the bath room it was about 3 in the morning I washed my face to get rid of tear stains, looking at old scars from people who bullied me each scar from whatever I found, pencils, razors, scissors, to even stove marks from where I would burn my arms sometimes... I thought I was over it but old thoughts ran though my mind. As I continued to look at my scared feminine body it made me hate it even more, I admit the distribution of weight is another thing that gets to me and well.. I feel ashamed as women I am not the perfect weight or the right size at all I am slightly over weight and my stomach shows that. I look down as I grab a chunk of my stomach looking in hatred of my own body and head back to my room to try to get at least one hour of sleep. It didn't happen though

*bleep bleep bleep the alarm clock goes*

I walked out of my room honestly wanting to not go to practice because my anxiety has not really eased up at all, I take a shower, throw on a big shirt, my practice shorts and my jacket. I grab my bag and run out of the house and there he was.. my heart fluttered. "Hey Suga" he said. "h..hi Daichi" i responded while my face was completely red, for being a women for as long as I have, I have managed to figure out way to make it look like I am still a guy. We walked to the gym in silence, when we got there Hinata and Kageyama were waiting since we haven't unlocked the gym yet , and they were fighting which didn't help my case as I quickly unlocked the gym and headed to locker room to just let everything unfold. Well the tears mainly I was scared, I wasn't like Asahi he got his man and Daichi well i know his mind is on someone else.

Daichi POV

Something is off with Suga did he a get a bit shorter? He means a lot to me, yeah he means a lot to me and I like him a lot.. since I am Bisexual and things with Yui didn't end to well for me,and Suga is just so beautiful he makes my heart flutter its a joy being able to play on the court with him. During out first year we became friends very quickly and now our third year begins and we head down our own individual paths. I don't even know what I will make of myself. I bet Suga doesn't know either, I sigh as I walk into the gym Sugawara was already changing. I sighed as i worried about him, he was a bit shakey since he arrived today. If I know Suga as much as I do I feel like he is pretending to be ok, he must have had a rough night.
Third person POV
Now that their practice has began and ran smoothly, since the passing was flawless from Nishinoya and hitting went well for all the wing spikers. The only problem was Suga he already felt his anxiety rising up, he did take his medicine but he decided it was time for another shot of testosterone, as he stated ," I will be right back I need to use the restroom", as he grabbed his little metal box he always carries with him. Most of the team thought it was just a box with a sugar reader because they thought Suga had Diabetes but nobody expected it to be testosterone shots.
Suga's POV
I quickly grab my stuff and head to the bathroom, "Had my anxiety gotten that bad?" I said to my self not knowing that Asahi was in the bathroom too, he comes out and just sees me in all of my "feminine glory".
"Su..Suga ... Sugawara is 0that actually you?" , he said I respond with tears in my eyes "Asahi please don't tell anyone please I am begging you I don't want people to kn....", he stops me right in my tracks to hug me and just let me cry . My thoughts raced through my head and I just cried and cried. I did turn back into a male after I got all that crying out and gave myself a shot and went back to the gym and finished practice.