𝐔𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐍𝐃; t.chalamet

05 ⋆ 𝑫𝑰𝑺𝑻𝑨𝑵𝑪𝑬 𝑶𝑽𝑬𝑹 𝑻𝑯𝑬 𝑪𝑶𝑼𝑵𝑻𝑬𝑹𝑺

𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐄

i wake up entangled in the cushions of my couch with a pain in my neck and my hand touching the carpet beside me.

my body is shivering from the lack of heat in my apartment and the fact that the blanket i once had covering me is in a pile on the floor.

i quickly grab it and throw it over my legs, closing my dead laptop on my coffee table in front of me.

after staring into the darkness of my quiet apartment, i finally get up, a huge headache pounding at my temples because of my lack of sleep and the feeling of emptiness consuming me.

it's the same emptiness that i've felt ever since that day, just multiplied by a thousand.

i pull open my blackout curtains in my living room that cover all the windows in my apartment.

each year i get completely sick on this day. i run a fever and i can barely find the strength to get out of bed.

then again, i can only blame myself. my body aches at the thought of the loss of touch from her, and it's my fault anyway.

i can't even begin to describe how lifeless i've felt since i left her.

no amount of roles can fill the empty spot in my heart like she can. i know that now. i just wish i would've known that three years ago.

i snap out of my thoughts and make myself leave the comfort of my couch and get dressed and ready for today.

i slowly pull off my tshirt, immediately feeling the coldness caress my bare skin.

i throw on a sweatshirt and some sweatpants. and they say i'm supposedly the best-dressed man in the world...

i slightly laugh at my misery and find my louis vuitton shoes, slipping those on as well.

i plop down on my bed, leaning into the mattress as a sigh escapes my lips.

i decide to call pauline, knowing she was the only one who could calm my nerves.

she picks up in an instant.

"hey, how did you sleep?"

"as good as i can. i got eight hours," i say, checking the clock beside my bed.

"tim, you know you can only survive on ten." she laughs, and i can't find the strength to laugh with her.

"don't worry, i'll probably nap most of today because i feel like i'm getting sick anyway." i say nonchalantly, shrugging to my empty room.

"again? tim you do this every year."

"that's because i'm sick and tired of missing her pauline. jesus. do you not get it? i'm blocked on everything and there is no way she'd take me back. there's no point in even trying to date anyone else. i tried with lily rose and it didn't work. no one can make me feel like she does."

i sigh again and continue, "and to make matters worse, i dream about her every night. every single night pauline! stupid little things i took for granted three years ago like her grabbing my hand or watching a movie with me and i feel so.... happy. and god, i haven't felt like that in SO long. and i wake up alone and cold to my empty apartment and i'm sad all over again. i don't even really have friends here."

the line is quiet for a while, and i can tell she's thinking of how to answer my rant.

"how about this. go to a coffee shop, one where you won't be noticed, so you can actually enjoy yourself. you can get your favorite coffee and read a book, watch movies, take a shower, you know, stuff to clam you down. take a self day. i promise that it will help. text the friends you do have and see if they are possibly in new york."