𝐔𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐍𝐃; t.chalamet

07 ⋆ 𝑾𝑰𝑻𝑯𝑶𝑼𝑻 𝒀𝑶𝑼 𝑰'𝑴 𝑶𝑵 𝑴𝒀 𝑶𝑾𝑵

𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐄

aggravated and agitated, i slam the door shut to my apartment after leaving the coffee shop, my body pulsing with embarrassment.

not ONLY have i caused her enough pain to last her a lifetime, she also has apparently begun to have panic attacks. because of me.

i pace back and forth in my small, one bedroom apartment, as i feel the tears behind my glassy eyes threatening to fall.

how could i do this? i can see myself marrying her. what is wrong with me?

my chest begins to hyperventilate as my breathing increases, and i sit down to catch my breath.

my body breaks out into a sweat and i can feel myself getting weaker.

this is what she feels like all the time because of my stupidity.

my eyes begin to let the tears fall, and i feel my body convulse into sobs, as i can hear them bounce off the walls of my lonely apartment, taunting me with the fact that i'm without her.

my phone begins to vibrate, and i let it go to voicemail, as i cant even gather myself to breathe, let alone have a conversation with someone.

it continues to vibrate until i finally reach over and grab it, the sobs slowing, but my face still puffy from crying and my throat dry from the moans.

it was a facetime from pauline, and i mentally curse at her. this is all her fault.

i finally answer it, her annoyed look vanishing when she sees my state of emotion.

"oh my god, timothée, what happened?"

"you happened pauline. your stupid advice made me run into her. did you do that on purpose or something? you know where she works. this isn't funny because honestly, i am the farthest emotion away from hysteria. i am absolutely devastated and embarrassed."

she sits in silence.

"i did consider it once i hung up with you, but i really thought you would've tried the other one i recommended to you last week."

"you couldn't have at least TOLD ME?" i practically yell. "pauline i have never been so awestruck in my life. it was humiliating."

"well did you talk to her? at least?"

"jesus, pauline, what is wrong with you? did you think this was some live action disney film? this is the real world. i broke her heart. did you know she has constant panic attacks because of me? she had one today. she almost passed out when she saw me. she could barely even look at me. and then her manager was all like 'omg you're timothée chalamet' which i know made her want to puke because that was the whole stupid reason i broke up with her in the first place."

the line stays silent so i continue.

"the fact that i caused her that much pain and still do makes me want to.... i don't even have the words. i feel like the biggest douche in the world. i cause her daily pain, three years later, and it's all because of the stupid ego that i let get to me. i made the worst decision i've ever made by breaking her heart, and not only is it coming back to bite me, but it's dragging her down with me and that is the last thing i wanted to do."

pauline looks at me. "i knew about the panic attacks."

my eyes dart to my phone, feeling the anger radiating off of my body in an instant.

"what?!" i hiss, "and you didn't think to tell me?"

she glared right back at me.

"of course not. it was at lunch two years ago, we were just chatting and i think we were talking about the family vacations we took, and suddenly she was losing her ability to breathe and she was pale as a ghost. i asked her what happened and she told me, 'this just happens sometimes when i think about him'. i didn't know what to say and she made me promise not to tell anyone, especially you or mom."

i sigh in response.

"pauline it's even worse than i thought. she's never going to want to associate with me ever again. you should've seen how she looked at me. it's like i was her enemy."

"timothée do you even realize what you did? not only was it right before she went to college, you decided to break up with her the night her MOTHER died. that's some messed up logic. i love you, but seriously, what were you thinking?"

i wait a while before i respond.

"i wasn't. i was being selfish and i take full responsibility. i just wish she knew how sorry i was."

"then let her know."

my eyes snap up from watching my fingers. "excuse me?"

"tell her you're sorry. better late than never."

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 𝑩'𝑺 𝑵𝑶𝑻𝑬 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
hi guys!!!
it's a little shorter but it'll make more sense of why shortly.
thank you for the support on the last chap!!
i love you all!
still trying to figure out who the role of christie should be played by.
okay!
gn<3
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:**:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧