Love and Life

Prattling and Panicking

Chapter 13

Liv's POV

During my nap in Finn's car, I had dreamt more about Sir Rinn Hawford. But somehow, it didn't feel as wrong as it had before.

I opened my eyes as bright shards of sunshine pierced my vision. I think I saw a man running to a rusty red truck but I was still too tired to say for sure. I did register a look of intense guilt on his face that made my heart break. Poor guy.

I looked at the time on my watch. Lunch time already? I snuggled closer into the comfortable interior of the sports car and sighed.

It had been a good nap.

Then I remembered my duffel bag in my PE locker. It had all my most important possessions in it. I had to bring it with me.

Pulling my fraying black hoodie over my small frame, I opened the car door and slipped out soundlessly.

I was hoping for the girls locker room to be empty since it was lunch. I really didn't need any unwanted attention.

Luckily enough, I reached my locker undetected and retrieved my duffel bag. I was about to leave when I heard the voices of chatting and giggling teenage girls coming from the entrance of the room.

Shit.

Locking myself in one of the empty toilet cubicles, I would wait until the girls all left.

"Did you see Finn at lunch today?"

My heart jumped at the mention of his name for some reason. I found myself pressing my ear to the cubicle door.

"Yes! He is so hot, I swear to God."

"Too bad girl, Nikki's got him on lockdown. She will literally claw out any girl's eyes with her painted talons if they get too close to her man."

Several snickers went around the group of gossiping girls.

"I could see her beady eyes scanning the room for the girl who would 'fess up to being Finn's mystery woman. That bitch scares the hell out of me. I feel bad for any girl who gets on the wrong side of Nikki."

Finn's mystery woman? No. It couldn't be. I can't be Crawford's mystery woman!

"So true. And the Newman nerd? Who knew he had it in him to stand up to Finn like that?"

Aaron? The sound of his name still made my heart ache. Why was he involved in this mess?

"You have to admit that he is kind of cute. In the nerdy kind of way."

"Oh thank God you guys thought that too! Seeing him fighting with Finn made me weak to my knees."

Fight? With Finn?

I felt like shrieking in horror. Aaron, no offence to him, wasn't exactly strong. In any physical way possible. He sometimes reminded me of a twig, an easy-to-snap twig.

"I wish he hadn't run off like that though. Things were just starting to get interesting."

I knew I couldn't stay locked in here for much longer. With every word they said, I could feel my heart racing faster and faster. I could feel the walls closing in on me and my shaky palms getting sweaty. My throat felt like it had been closed off, the air trapped in my lungs.

"I know. Everything was so intense."

"Yeah, she must be some girl to make the two guys fight over her like that."

I felt like I was being stretched thin and that at any given moment, I'd snap and become a quivering heap of shattered nerves and distress.

"Lucky girl. Two guys like that. Wonder how'll she choose."

"Wouldn't want to be in her shoes, that's for sure."

Their voices soon became an incessant hum in the background. My head was spinning as I hugged my duffel bag to my chest for reassurance.

I had kept my panic attacks a secret from everyone, even Katie who I usually never kept anything from.

I had had my first attack last year when I walked in on my father hitting my drunken mother.

The smell of alcohol had burned into my nostrils and the splatters of blood on the tiles were permanently imprinted into my eyes.

Katie had been on an overnight school excursion, something I was eternally thankful for.

It was traumatic, watching the two people I always had faith in, who I cared for, who I loved, hurting each other like that.

It had completely and irreparably shattered my trust and belief in love. I never fully recovered from that experience.

I still remembered the unfamiliar shudders going through my body, the tightness gripping my throat, the sheer terror consuming my senses.

All the photos on the walls seemed to be staring angrily at me, disappointment written across their harsh faces. Everything seemed too bright and too loud.

My legs felt weak as I rushed up the stairs, my pale fingers trembling as they wrenched my door open.

Aaron was studying for an important exam at the time and I knew better than to bother him with my silly troubles.

So I just rocked back and forth in a corner of my room, crying and waiting until the pain numbed enough for me to stand and form cohesive thoughts.

After that, the attacks kept happening, getting worse and worse each time they occurred. They never usually happened at school and I could feel its menacing shadow begin to loom over me.

I curled up into a ball on the closed toilet seat and began to rock back and forth. I tried desperately to coax my heart back to a normal speed and my mind to unscramble itself.

Soon enough, my body went back to normal. Or as normal as I could feel after my near panic attack.

The girls had left the locker room and I could feel the colour return to my cheeks. My heart was still thumping but at least I felt in control of my body.

I got up from the seat, my feet numb from sitting down for so long. I wrapped my fingers around the cubicle's door handle and turned.

Stuck.