Tom Holland is a Liar: T.H x Reader

Chapter 13

His smile was sinister and I loved it. I loved the spark of poison I felt in my veins every moment I was with him. I loved every second my blood boiled or I caught myself on edge. How I'd act as if I wasn't the one who lost the war and he'd act as if he wasn't the mastermind who'd feed off of evil. That's what he did best-he acted. His whole persona was an act from devilish smiles and the flirtatious remarks. The boy never meant a thing. So, naturally speaking in term of vulnerability was seen as a risk especially in his presence. Though I took it anyway. He knew I was smarter than to take a risk like that, he took my vulnerability as bait. Him thinking the ball was in my court when really it's always been in his, he was the ref and the game keeper.

Even if he was scared of a risk, he'd always jump on an opportunity.

"Took you a while to admit it," he answers pretending. He was a scared kid playing dress up in a confident man's body.

"And you?" I ask hoping for him to say the same for me.

He puts his hands over my shoulder again, feeling over the stitched lettering in the crew neck,"I don't like to admit things. But for you, I may have played with the idea."

"The idea of missing me?"

"The idea of not missing you, I've always missed you darling"

It caught me by surprise but it's what I wanted him to say. Actually it wasn't, I desperately wanted him to think nothing of the sort. I begged he wouldn't even tolerate me as an idea because if he did I just knew in the snap of his fingers here I was crawling back to him. I was his puppy, my stomach would churn at the thought of being such a dumbass to accept him yet I chose to ignore it. I constantly chose the wrong answer, I was naive and stupid so God damn stupid. I wish I didn't have to choose because I always seemed to choose wrong. I had a choice in this matter. I had options. I could choose to lie some more, I could choose to be safe, to be stable. I could choose to live without worry even without guilt. Or, I could live knowing I'd always have a bit of doubt on where his faith lies, he was an actor after all. They are the best liars and Tom he's a really good actor, naturally I assume the lying comes part. But I did want him to miss me and I did miss him. 

I coped over the loss of my dignity before I chose to continue. I figuratively inserted a new quarter into the arcade game of Tom and I's relationship, with one final warning that flashes on the screen. Are you sure? Without doubt-no with doubt, with many doubts I click yes. I will continue. 

"You're a bitch," I utter out of breath in amazement of his eyes, I had already made my first mistake when I showed up here for Tom. I might as well add to the regret. He smiles and I went crazy for it. I didn't let myself feel too bad for it because I was convinced every girl would if they had the chance,  anyone would given the chance. 

"Maybe I was," he slips a chuckle under his tongue,"no I was, I definitely was. But now what?"

"Do you want my answer," I ask the boy. He nods easy as answer.

I didn't know what to tell him, I hadn't seen much substantial change yet I was okay with idea of learning of his change,"I'm going to close my eyes," he follows my trail of thoughts, we exchange it in our eyes. He knows to listen,"I'm going to let my mind go blank. And then, I'll need you for this part," his attention is heightened,"you'll hold my hand and bring it to your lips."

"You want me to kiss your hand?" his question rung me with disturb. 

I brush him off,"no-no, I don't want you to do anything."

His eye brows raise. He gives me a look I could interpret a thousand different ways yet I decided against the pain of analysis over him. Though I always spoke so vague he did as told, he let his fingers work their way to my palm. His thumb rubbing circles on my left hand, I let my eyes close. I figured that was his signal to me to calm, his circles didn't stop once my eyes had closed I'd like to think it was because he knew my mind still ran circles. I liked to think there was so much more communication between us then spoken, though really thinking that and believing it was just absurd. Especially when Tom's lack of word led our demise the first time. 

I could feel my hand being lifted up to the chin of my prince, his soft lips place a quick imprint on the back of my hand, then another just a few centimetres below from where he had first kissed. Then another all the way to wrist, from there he just kissed back up my hand once more-all back to the original start. 

I spoke softly mostly stricken into infatuation over a boy I used to know, I wouldn't admit that. I wasn't going to admit that at all. "You are just a boy, you're just Tom," my eyes open and I take back the hand I had just given to him. I was a selfish person, I took my hand back to me. I was a selfish person, I had the intent to leave. I was a selfish person, I didn't want him to speak for me.

"Good. All I wanna' be is Tom," he replies. Before he was the movie star, before he was the great Hollywood experience or the boy who 'made it big' he's been Tom. I couldn't even remember 'just Tom' anymore, even I someone who knew him since the beginning couldn't even remember the boy he used to be. Especially when I'd wish he'd return back to that person he once was, I didn't even have the memory to know who I was wishing for back. 

"How?" I ask, it didn't make sense. The question didn't even make sense, how could you really describe to be a person. The answers would certainly vary, perhaps to be is to wear your type of style, speak in your slang and interact with your humour. Though with others the answer may be deeper, to be is to understand yourself, to know who you were and what you'd stand for. To know the past, present and future of yourself and all other versions of yourself. You had to know every inch of your body and every crevice of creativity that echoed your brain. Maybe even determine the way you work, your fuel. I didn't think I could answer a question of how I was myself yet I had the nerve to ask Tom. Identity was a rather interesting subject, I didn't know Holland's identity or even what it really meant to be a Holland. But I already asked. 

"By putting one foot in front of the other and trying best to walk through life without tripping on your own shoelace," he says, I liked his answer. It seemed to explain everything and nothing at the same time however he managed to speak truthfully anyways. That was how he was Tom and that was how anyone was anybody.

I was going to do it. I was going to put one foot in front of the other and walk through life without tripping on my own shoelace.