Living Dreams

Expected But Unexpected

The severe cold in Nuwara Eliya felt like pinpricks against my skin. Raising my head, I looked beyond the glass which I just closed. A pleasant smile formed on my lips but it soon vanished. Lowering my head as much as possible, I stared at the bouquet in my hand.

"Let's get down, Inasha."
Thahir's calm voice came out too softly. It was barely audible. It is strange that not even a small particle of me was affected by his voice.

"We've almost reached the hotel. You couldn't see anything because you were looking down the entire time."
He blabbered while getting off the vehicle and walking to my side. For the first time ever, I looked up at him. He smiled. His smile was as pure as his name. It was honest. But I felt no feeling towards him on seeing it.

(Taher (alternatively spelled Tahir and Tahar in French, Тагир in Russian; Persian: طاهر, Arabic: طاهر‎, Ṭāhir; pronounced [tˤɑːˈher] pronounced [tˤɑːˈhɪr] or [Ṭāher]) means purity and cleanliness. Origin of this name is Persian, however it is a common name found in ancestral Jewish Sephardic and Mizrahi families.)

"Come carefully."
He held my hand as if I was a small kid. I suddenly felt the urge to run to the room, shoving his hands,and lock myself but this isn't the right time for that. I forced a smile when a pretty lady came forward and welcomed us.

I don't know how to act so this drama has to end sooner.

"You look very tired, Inasha. Change your dress and take some rest. But before that, I wanna ask you something."

I looked at him. His look was kind. Sitting on the corner of the huge bed, why aren't I feeling any bond towards the stranger who is standing in front of me other than a feeling of calm and peace.

"You spoke nothing since we started the drive from Colombo." He spoke. "Is it only because of your mother and father you agreed to marry me?"

Yes, that was the truth. But how can I give him such a rude reply? I lowered my gaze, choosing not to answer.

"Once you have a wash and a change, everything is gonna be okay."
Caressing the crown of my head lovingly, he walked to the balcony. I got into the washroom. I wanted to cry. Cry till my eyes melt. Is there more tear left to shed? I already cried till my eyes dry after Rikaz's betrayal.

"Thahir is a good guy. He even knows that you were engaged to Rikaz. He is really a good guy with whom u can spend the rest of your life."
After three painful years, worrying over Rikaz's betrayal, my mother brought Thahir's proposal to me. Not wanting to be burden to my family anymore, I agreed without giving it a second thought. But how will my heart agree to be a wife to another man?

"You can never love a man other than me. I know that."
Rikaz's words haunt me even three years after he left.

"Let's see." I teased him then.

"What to see? Suppose if you do, I will kill you, bitch!"
That is all what I wanted to hear by making him angry. I beleived that his every word meant how much he loved me and cared for me. I remember experiencing something beautiful in his rough-and-tumble aggressive love. That is masculinity. A man should subdue a woman through that rigidity mixed with love. But Thahir has a totally different character. Except for a kind love, I don't see the masculinity I saw in Rikaz, in Thahir.

"Inasha... don't stay too long in water. It's cold here na."
I heard Thahir from the other side of the door. My tears seeked no permission before jumping out of my eyes. If it was Rikaz, he would not stand out leaving me alone in the bathroom. I want that kind of love. A love that touches the last depths of the heart. Otherwise, not a love that stays far away, with the expectations of respect and devotion like mom and dad.