Unanswered Emotions

Adi

Adi knocked the door of Ishita's apartment. he thought it might be about Ruhi. Ishita opened the door and held it open with a smile till he came inside. Adi smiled back and walked towards sofa. " What is it mumma that you wanted to talk to me? Is it about Ruhi?" he asked her while she sat on the adjacent bigger sofa. "No Adi. it is about us." Adi did not understand what is there to talk about them. and he did not get what 'us' meant for. is it about the them as a family or just him and her. he almost chuckled with the later thought. why would mumma talk about me and her? he thought and settled with the first one. Ishita observed the little chuckle and she did not know what it is about. she waited a bit so that she could gather all that she wanted to talk. "Adi, I'm sorry." she waited to see his reaction. he saw her without any expression not understanding what is happening. She continued, "Adi, I know and realized how big a mistake I did. that day when I contemplated on my suicide, I was too low and grief stricken and my mind did not let me think beyond what had happened then. I'm not trying to justify my actions for there is no justification for what I have done. and then Mani uncle saved me only to get paralyzed in that process. I thought to come back but the thought of me being near to you could possibly harm you, as I was told how much a bad luck I am, I feared about your well being. I'm not covering up my cowardice. yes I was frightened to face your father for leaving him alone but I was also more worried if that was truly true and I could not get my self here." her voice choked with the flashes of dark days featured before her when she wanted to come back to kids and Raman but she feared their safety.

Adi observed how she was controlling her self. But his heart wanted an answer so he could not stop her. but when he came to know her fear, he sympathized with her. she has a point he thought. But still there is something he wanted to hear. and he thought it would be selfish of him if he asked that question. Ishita knew there is more to say. she has to gather herself. she knew the kid sitting in front of her. he has a question and he don't want to ask her. Seeing her silent, Adi tried to talk, "Mumma I understand your position. I always wanted to know the reason that kept you back from coming to me, us. but now as I see, I know there is much that kept you at the bay. but on thing you did wrong is, buying into papa's words that you are a bad luck. You and papa and all the people who saw you know what you are. just a word slip however big it is should not undermine your true self." She was amazed how much he could put in those words. he opened up a new perspective. he not just understood her plight but also mentoring her to come put of that. she is surely proud of him. Seeing the smile on her lips and her gaze on his face, Adi snapped his fingers on her face to bring her back from the revere. She laughed out and took Adi's hand into her and placed a gentle kiss. "I'm proud of you Adi. I'm really so so much proud about you."

Adi felt blood rushhis cheeks. his mother was proud of him. he is so happy. he just wanted to hugher tight. he just got up from his place and went beside her and hugged hertight. both felt great. he felt loved by his mother and she felt the loveoozing out from her to compensate all the lost years. they sat there for fewminutes and Ishita started stroking his hair with her right hand. he is playingwith her left hand and leaned on to her shoulder resting there. "Adi,there is some more I want to say." Adi lifted his head to look at her. Shelaughed and said "you can listen still resting." he laughed and laiddown in her lap " from here I can look and also listen". she laughedand continued "Adi, did you ever feel you are being overlooked or pushingbackward to accommodate your sisters?" she asked looking into his eyes.Adi was taken back by this question. he was not expecting this from her. he satback on the sofa and turned towards her. he wanted to tell her the truth. howhe felt. took her hands into his and started saying "Mumma, before allthis happened, when you gave away Ruhi to shagun mummma to keep me safe, I felt guilty. guilty forcausing you grief and some where I felt you are doing this just to keep mealive. loved or not I didn't know then. only thing I knew was you people werehaving me but surely loving Ruhi. I felt awkward. but then everything gotsettled back this question went into background. then slowly I started feeling loved. but thequestion about my presence in your lives had always popped up. but before that bus accident when you explained my position in your life, I was happy. this time I know you loved me and I have a place for my self in yourlife and everyone's. but then you attempted suicide you just left us for Ruhi. youcould not take ruhi's death so much that you forgot you are leaving your othertwo kids back. I was broken down. periyamma and periyappa tried explaining mebut this question has always nagged me. what am I in your life. everyone lovesme mumma. but the way you left I felt bad that if ruhi's love can drag you todeath, isn't my love enough for you to keep you alive? I was sad. I know thisis a silly question but still there in my mind. and then you came back. I washappy but more sad because you just ignored us. living somewhere still did nottry to contact us. that hurts. that really hurts mumma." he finishedsaying and looked at her. she observed the slight shivering in his voice. she knewhe was about to cry and stopping his cries. 

when he looked up with those questions,she felt all over again in so much pain and grief inexplicable. She averted hergaze trying to comprehend her emotions. after two minutes of silence, shestarted, "Adi there was reason why I asked you that question. I felt therewas something but surely could not gauge the extent of your grief. I'm sorrythe only thing I can say now for causing you that. I have no answers for thoseactions of mine. but one more thing I want to add is, I love you. not nowbecause you said all that. but from the starting I loved you. you were thereason I allowed shagun to stay at our house. I loved you so much because youhad gone through a lot. but still today u sit here as a kid you were then. Iremembered you more than anyone in the house when I was away. because among allit was you whom I left behind when you needed me. but I could not just comeback." 

she stopped to gather words. she did not know if anything is makingsense to him. the only thing she knew is, Adi, her son felt unloved. "Adi,it is true that I loved Ruhi but I loved you the same amount. we were so close.we were partners. but I failed to show you how much I loved you. even now, I don't know what to say to assure you about your position in my life. I would sayonly one thing now Adi, you are my eldest kid, my only son and I love you somuch. other kids come after the elder one. but you being elder made me thinkyou need lesser attention. I'm sorry for that. and I promise I would never letyou feel the same again." finishing, she looked over to him and he was crying. the moment she sawhim. he hugged her tight and cried to his heart's content.