Helpless (Reece Bibby/James Graham)

Chapter Eight

I was released from the hospital a few days after I’d regained consciousness. The doctor had diagnosed me with depression and anxiety and put me on prescription to antidepressants. I was on suicide watch and James had been advised that I stay with someone at all times. It was like I was being suffocated. I stayed silent for the whole journey back to James and Barclay’s flat.

When we arrived I was escorted into the flat and instructed to sit down on the sofa. I felt so horribly numb. “Do you want a cup of tea?” James asked me. I didn’t reply. My eyes stayed fixed on the blank screen of the television. I heard James’ footsteps becoming quieter as he headed into the kitchen, leaving me alone. Although I wasn’t alone, Barclay was sat in the armchair beside me.

You know when you’re told to look after a toddler while their mother runs to the shop? And you have to watch everything they’re doing just in case they hurt themselves? I felt like that toddler.

James soon returned and placed a cup of tea on the coffee table in front of me. I felt the sofa sink beside me as my boyfriend sat down. “Are you okay?” James asked me. I glanced at him and nodded. I was evidently not okay.

“Is there anything I can do for you, Babe?” he questioned. I thought for a moment. I felt so uncomfortable. Barclay and James seemed to be tiptoeing around me. I wanted someone to talk to me normally, as if nothing had happened. “Can you call Jake please?” I asked James and he nodded. James went into the kitchen, leaving me alone with Barclay.

We were both quiet for a moment, not sure of what to say. “Jaz, I want you to know that we’re all here for you. You are never alone, okay? And don’t worry about Reece stopping you from seeing Anabelle. He won’t. He’s just trying to protect Ana but doesn’t realise that it’ll make your condition worse. We’ll talk to him and sort everything out. You two may not be together anymore but that doesn’t mean he’s stopped loving and caring about you,” Barclay explained. I smiled weakly and nodded. I was grateful for his attempt to make me feel better.

“Jake’s on his way,” James told me as he returned to the living room. He sat down beside me and put his arm around me. I leaned into him and he kissed my hair. “It’ll be okay,” he whispered. The words made me feel at ease. I loved that he made me feel better without even realising.

There was a knock at the door and I got up to answer it. James told me to relax and sit down but I insisted. I opened the door to find a smiling Jake. He hugged me tightly and kissed my cheek. “How are you feeling?” he asked quietly, so James and Barclay couldn’t hear him. I didn’t reply. I just gave him a saddened look.

Jake and I went inside the flat and I lead him into the bedroom I shared with James. Jake shut the door behind him and turned to look at me. “Come on then,” he said, “Just let it all out.”

I stared at him in silence for a moment as the tears threatened to fall from my eyes. “It didn’t work, Jake. I wanted to die and it didn’t work,” I told him. He wrapped his arms around me and rubbed my back soothingly. “Oh, Jaz, what are we going to do, eh?” he whispered.

After a long hug with Jake, we returned to the living room and sat with James and Barclay. “I’m just going to the bathroom,” I told James as I stood up. He smiled as I left the room. When I was inside the bathroom I opened the cabinet above the sink to find that all the pills had been removed.

“James!” I yelled as I came out of the bathroom. “What have you done with all the pills?” I asked. He looked at me with concern. “Why do you need them?” he challenged. I stayed quiet for a moment trying to prevent tears from falling. “Because I want to die,” I snapped. James shook his head. “No. You don’t. It’s the depression. Not you,” he replied.

“James! Please,” I begged as tears fell down my cheeks. Jake wrapped his arms around me as soon as he realised I was crying. “I wanna die! Let me die! It’s not worth this pain!” I cried as Jake held me in his arms. We both sank to the floor as I continued to sob. Jake held my head against his chest as I cried.