Helpless (Reece Bibby/James Graham)

Chapter One

A/N: *TRIGGER WARNING* this story is going to be quite dark so I'm just letting you all know in advance and giving you a self-harm trigger warning.

“Jaz?” Reece called from the kitchen. I quickly wiped the tears off my face and cleared my throat before leaving the bedroom. “What’s up?” I asked as I went into the kitchen, flashing Reece the most genuine smile I could manage. “Are you going to cook dinner?” he questioned and I frowned. “I’m not your housewife,” I snapped. Reece held up his hands defensively.

“Mummy, look what I made,” Anabelle said as she ran over to me. “I didn’t say that,” Reece told me. “Mum, look,” Anabelle repeated, tapping my arm. “Order a pizza or something,” I replied to Reece. “Look,” Anabelle whined, pulling the bottom of my t-shirt. “That’s not good for Ana,” Reece pointed out. “Mummy,” Anabelle said once again. “What?” I snapped, looking down at her. The smile fell from her face and she stepped away from me as she began to cry.

“What is wrong with you?” Reece asked as he picked up Anabelle. I ran my hands through my hair and let out a long breath. “I need…I need a break,” I told Reece before grabbing my jacket off the back of the sofa and leaving the flat.

I was so tired all the time and I just couldn’t stop crying. Of course, I had to put a smile on my face for Reece and Anabelle. But it was getting harder every day. I’d felt so empty since I’d left James. I left him because I had to be with my daughter, not because I didn’t love him. Of course I loved him. Not a day went by when I didn’t regret messing up so badly. I’d broken his heart more than once and I’d never forgive myself.

My phone started buzzing in my pocket as I walked alongside the River Thames. I took it out of my jeans and checked the caller ID. “Hello Jake,” I spoke as I answered the call and put the phone to my ear. “How’s it going?” he asked me. I wanted to cry endlessly over the phone to Jake and tell him how empty I felt every single day. But I couldn’t. No one could find out how horrible I felt.

“Everything’s fine. How are you?” I questioned, changing the subject to him. “I’m alright thanks. You should come round with Anabelle and Reece and see the lads,” he told me. “I’ll have to see what we’re doing. We’re super busy, you know, parenthood,” I replied. Jake audibly sighed. “Jaz, I haven’t seen you in over a month now. We used to see each other every day. We used to be best friends and you’d tell me everything. What happened to that?” he asked.

“I’m sorry. I’ve just been really busy,” I answered Jake. He was quiet for a moment before saying, “James misses you.” His words pained me. I missed him too. “Jake, I don’t want to talk about this,” I told him. “You mean him,” he corrected. “I don’t want to talk about him,” I repeated. “Jasmine,” Jake started but I cut him off. “I’ll speak to you soon. Bye.” I didn’t give Jake chance to say anything else as I hung up the phone. I shoved my phone in my pocket before turning around and walking back to the flat.

When I returned, Reece and Anabelle were sat on the sofa. Reece was reading a book aloud to Anabelle. “Hey, Ana, go play with your toys while I talk to Mummy,” Reece said as he shut the book. He stood up and placed the book on the coffee table as Anabelle ran over to the toys scattered on the floor in front of the television.

“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” Reece asked as he stood at the end of the sofa with his arms folded. “Nothing. I just snapped, that’s all,” I answered, flashing him a smile that didn’t quite reach my eyes. “You just snapped? Like that time James ‘just snapped’?” he asked, referring to the time James had hit me a few years ago. My eyes connected with Reece’s as I glared at him. “Don’t you dare bring that up,” I told him. Reece glanced at Anabelle who was happily playing with her toys before walking towards me. “I need you to forget about him,” Reece whispered, putting his arms around me. “You brought it up, Reece.”

I pushed Reece away before walking into the bedroom and shutting the door. I had to get my shit together. I couldn’t have Reece knowing there was something wrong.

As I ran my hands through my hair and tried to take deep breaths, something caught my eye on the dressing table. My head was a mess…I was a mess. And as I picked up the pair of scissors on my dressing table all I had in mind was the thought of feeling something other than emotional pain. A distraction is all I needed as I opened the scissors and looked down at my pale skin.