New Kid On An Old Block

Chapter Three

It's been really cool hanging out with Rian and Jack, we all played Halo together, Rian less than Jack and I because he was really busy with drum line and his girlfriend of course, but Jack was supposed to come over today. It's been three weeks since we met, and Jack nor Rian had ever been at my house. I'd been to Rian's, which was cool, we ate pizza and stuff in the basement, played video games, Jack and I sometimes brought our guitars while Rian drummed, we weren't any good of course, but it was a fun hobby. I'd been to Jack's house and his mom pretty much fussed over me the entire time. She's a really nice lady, I liked being there. She reminded me of how my mom was before she was always on business trips. My parents had yet to come home, they've been gone all month. They did come back for a weekend, but I didn't count that for much. It was nice not cooking dinner by myself those two nights. My mom always told me how proud she was that I'm basically a little adult. Hard to take that compliment though when it's sort of a forced thing. What else was I going to be? A complete slob who didn't know how to feed himself? Not going to happen. 

By this point, Rian and Jack knew pretty much all there was to know about me, apart from some dark stuff that I wasn't quite ready to share yet.
I heard a knock at my door, it's noon on Saturday, so we have plenty of time to hang out. 
I got up off the couch and answered the door, I gave Jack a huge hug. I didn't like him more than Rian, he and I just got each other a little bit better. Rian joked that it was the gay bond, and of course we laughed because it was probably sort of true in a way.
I let Jack in and plopped back on the couch. I wasn't hiding from Jack so much anymore. Rian, yes. Jack, no. He already knew. What was the point in hiding it?
I was wearing a black t shirt and a pair of light blue jeans that I felt hugged me in all the right places, no bracelets either, so I was exposed apart from my hips. He still never noticed the scars on my neck. I sort of hoped he wouldn't. I patted the spot next to me and flipped through channels.
Jack kicked off his shoes and sat down, "What are we doing today?" He asked curiously, laying his head on my shoulder and watching me scroll through channels. Jack and I were actually pretty close as far as hugging and touching each other, nothing dirty like that of course, just things like laying our heads on each other's shoulders and laying in bed next to each other watching movies or playing video games, listening to music and doing homework.
"I don't know actually. I kind of just wanted someone to hang out with." I responded honestly, settling on some cooking show, that somehow, I became a bit invested in. After all, Rachael Ray was making a wonderful looking roast chicken and cauliflower mash. I'd have to remember that recipe.
"Then we'll hang out" Jack smiled, "You really like this cooking show don't you?" He laughed a little at me.
"Well, when you have to cook for yourself 99% of the time, you get a little bored with spaghetti and what not." I smirked, "And this roast chicken and cauliflower mash looks delicious, thank you very much. It's gonna suck having to go grocery shopping again though. It sucks trying to carry frozen food home from the store that's three miles away." I rolled my eyes a bit. Thanks mom and dad. Not entirely their fault, but still. 
"That sucks that you have to do that. Why are they always so busy?" He asked, looking up at me.
"It's just their job I guess. I don't know. When you're one of the heads of some of the largest companies in the world, there really isn't much time for family fun night." I rolled my eyes again, but I did feel kind of shitty that I'd been constantly left behind. Why couldn't they just homeschool me and take me with them? Oh yeah. For the entire school experience. Some experience it had been so far for me.

"Well you can come to my house any time, and I bet my mom wouldn't mind taking you to and from the grocery store. Probably better than taking an uber or a cab or whatever. Can you even take an uber if you're under 18?" He tilted his head a little and opened his phone to google it.
Jack answered his own question, "Nope. You can't. Fuck that sucks." He sighed. "Well, I bet my mom would still take you." 
I smiled a little, "Thanks, but I wouldn't want to put her out like that. I can walk, it just sucks having to re-freeze everything and then it gets all freezer burned. It doesn't make it taste as good anymore. Oh the struggle." My tone was sarcastic. Jack and I were often sarcastic. It was nice to have someone to joke around with.
"How are you doing today?" He asked. I'd opened up quite a bit to him.
"I don't know. Not great I guess. No one at school fucks with me too much, but that's usually because you and Rian are always with me, I'm not such an easy target anymore. My parents haven't called me in two days. They left me a shit ton of money that I don't need because I have no social life apart from you and Rian, and I have a credit card from them too that charges to their account so...I didn't really need it. I don't even want it. They just give me money to make me feel better somehow. As if that'll make it okay. I don't blame them, I mean I wouldn't have anything if it wasn't for them, but there's also no like....True family bond and love there? It makes me really depressed." I sighed, wiping my eyes that betrayed me once again. 

Jack sat up and put his arm around me, "Well, Rian and I are your family now, and my mom loves you, you know that." He said quietly as I just rested my head on his chest, looking down at my wrists. "I know." I said just as quietly back.
He reached down and traced the lines on my wrists, and I didn't pull away. He'd done this before. He was always trying to convince me to stop, but I just couldn't. That's not how it works. It's become an addiction. Like smoking a cigarette after a long day, or drinking every night to help with the stress. It was a relief for me. All of the stress in the day, all of the bad thoughts, the nightmares, I got to physically watch all of that leave my mind as I distracted myself with the sting of the blade, and the blood leaving my body.
"You're so much better than this, Alex." Jack whispered, tracing the newest bunch, red and angry. He didn't touch them, he didn't want to hurt me, he just traced around them. 
"I'm really not." I watched his fingers move, "Jack, I can't explain it. It just...It feels good...And I'm happy that I can be open with you about it, but it's not enough to make me just give it up...It feels good." I hated myself for saying that. Just another reason to be miserable.
"Well, I think you're better than this. I think your skin doesn't need to be covered in every demon you try to let out." Wow. That was deep. He was good at that when he needed to be. He wasn't always a joker.
I just shook my head.
"They remind me that I went through it and got through it only partially unscathed. I mean I'm not gone yet am I? And I don't want to die. I just want a release. Nothing gives me that but this." I closed my eyes. 
"There's gotta be something else. You draw and you write, and you sing and you play music...Can't you do that more?" He asked, hoping I'd have a good answer. 
"I do." 
I let him down with a not so good answer. It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't good. All it did was prove to him that my efforts to do better things with my time weren't working.
"Well, have you talked to anyone about it?" He traced the lines on my other wrist.
"Yeah. Didn't help." I mumbled sleepily. Therapy fucked me up. Therapy told me there was something wrong with me and I refused to admit it. I was already exhausted by this conversation alone.
I just wanted to stop.

"I just really want you to get past it." He hugged me close to him.
"Why does it matter so much? I'm not hurting anyone else." Defending my stupid actions probably wasn't the best idea.
"It hurts me to see my friend do this to himself. It hurts me to have to see you hide whenever it's not just you and me." His response held a sad tone to it. It made me sad too.
"I'm s-sorry...It's just not something I c-can stop." I replied shakily, squeezing my eyes closed.
"It does matter Alex. You matter. How can I get you to see that?" He was really pressing today. Usually he'd let it go by now. I was sure it was the 10 or so new cuts that had him set off. I couldn't even be mad at him about it. It was my own fault.

I thought about why I even started in the first place.

My parents were gone again. I was left with the neighbor checking in on me during the day and staying in my guest room at night. She was mean, at least according to me, I think she was probably just trying to do her job, not knowing me at all and being told by my parents to be firm or whatever. I was 12 and she treated me like an idiot. She had me doing everything and yet treating me like I could do nothing. Little did she know, I already took care of this house more than my parents did, even when they were around.
I hated being treated like a moron. I might be young, but I'm not fucking stupid. When you live like I have to with no one around, you pick up a few things along the way.
She got mad at me and sent me up to my room for yelling at her that she didn't belong here. Truth be told, she didn't. She was just doing my parents a favor. I hated her and she knew it. 
I slammed the door and locked it. What was she going to do? Tell me what I could and couldn't do in my own house? No. All she could do was tell me what my parents wanted me to do and get mad at me when I refused to do them on her time. She only wanted me to so she could give my parents a good report when they'd call about me. It was bullshit. She didn't give a shit about me. Didn't help me with homework when I asked, didn't care when I came home covered in bruises from the beatings I'd take at school. She was just a bitter old woman and I hated her.
I was so mad that day. First, she yelled at me about being late for the bus to my stupid private school. I got yelled at by teachers for being late, even though it wasn't my fault. I got my fucking head shoved in the toilet right before class even started. No shit I was going to try to clean myself up the best I could, even if it meant being late for class. I got the shit beaten out of me at lunch again, and mocked by the girl who'd kissed me, reminding me of how ugly I am. Of course I'm ugly. That's why no one's interested in me, not even enough to be my friend. 
So there it was. I left my room long enough to take one of my dad's extra blades for his razor.
I took it back in my room.
I sat down on my bed and stared at the tiny, sharp metal. It looked menacing to me, yet so, so tempting.
I closed my eyes and pictured the crimson dripping down my skin. The release I'd feel when I finally let it all go. I'd had enough of everything. My parents being gone. Being left with this lady who didn't know how to handle what she was asked to do. The assholes at school. That dumb bitch who kissed me and laughed in my face. Being all alone. Having no friends. No love. No life. No one gave a fuck about me. Why should I give a fuck about myself?

I opened my eyes and dragged the blade across my wrist. I hissed at the pain at first, until I saw what I wanted and felt the weight of the world slowly lifting from my shoulders. I had a release. I wasn't trapped in my own head.
I sliced again, just a little deeper this time. I hissed at the pain once more, wincing a bit as the deeper cut stung only that much more. Then the blood really flowed. I smiled at it. The warm crimson flowing down my wrist was all I needed. I didn't stop. It felt so good that I kept going. I didn't want to slaughter my wrist more than I'd already done. I didn't think of where to go next, so I pulled the waistband of my pants down and stared at my hips, the thin spots between my skin and my hip bones. Without hesitating, I cut. It almost felt better than the wrists. I closed my eyes and sank into the happiness I felt.
I knew I'd bleed myself out if I kept going, so I forced myself to stop. It felt so, so good though. 
I grabbed a dirty black shirt off the floor and covered my wrist until the cuts stopped bleeding. I did the same with my hip, wiped the blade and threw the shirt back on the floor. I looked at the pretty blade in my hand. It was my new best friend. 

Jack snapped me out of my thoughts, "Alex?" He shook me a little. 
I looked up at him and realized he'd taken his head off my shoulder, "Sorry." I mumbled.
"I'm sorry I keep talking about this. Are you okay?" He looked at me with a concerned expression.
I sighed, "No, Jack honestly I'm not." I looked over at him, trying to gauge his expression and I can't. 
"I just want to know why you do it...What is the perk about it for you?" He bit down on his lip, probably hoping I wouldn't get mad. Honestly, it did make me mad, but at the same time, it was my own fault, and he was my friend. I wasn't in any place to lose any of those.
"There are so many reasons why Jack...I can't pick just one. There's no perk either. It just makes me feel a little less depressed. A little less worthless." I stood up and went to the kitchen, hoping to avoid more talk about this, turning on the oven once I got in there.
Jack followed me, "I just want you to be okay." He pulled me into a hug.
I hugged him back, took in a deep breath and let it out, "I know." I said against his chest, squeezing him a little tighter.
I pulled back and grabbed pizza bagels out of the freezer and stuck them in the oven. 
Jack leaned against the counter and gave me a little smile. He looked at the time on his phone.
"Do you need to go or anything?" I asked with a sigh. I'd probably run him off.
He shook his head though, putting his phone back in his pocket, "No just looking at the time. Freeform is playing Home Alone at 2 even though it's not even Christmas time." He grinned, and I laughed. He loved that movie so much.
"Jack," I said in between laughter at the happy grin he had on his face, "We've watched that like, three times in the past week." I shook my head and watched the timer for the pizza bagels go down.
"It's not my fault that Kevin McCallister is the coolest kid in the whole world and the movie is the best movie in the whole world. That's simply not something I can just simply explain, it's an entire experience, you see. First, we see Kevin as the underdog kid, he even gets ditched because no one double checked for him and then he takes on the villains and does all the grocery shopping and he doesn't even need anyone! He's bad ass." Jack raved on with a big grin, and I smiled right back at him, but I did think about Kevin now. I was left behind too. Sort of the underdog. I got ditched often. I didn't take on any villains, I'm far too much of a coward for that. I do all the grocery shopping and taking care of my house. This made me both sad, but also happy that Jack thought this character was bad ass.