Blue Roses (John Egbert x Reader)

3

Your moods were waves crashing along the coastline of my heart. But I was always here, even when he wasn't.

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        She was crying now, here in my arms. Her hands were clutching onto my back as if I would vanish the moment she'd let go. Her voice was muffled and her body was shaking. I knew from the moment she ran out of that house that Jake had screwed something up, how fast she attached me to her. My hands were on her back as she let it all go on the couch, the program on the TV just blanked out in my ears.

        She'd quieted down after a few minutes, her soft breathing filled the room as my hands were making intricate patterns along her spine. Her head resting over my heart and I wondered if she could hear the chaos that happened inside. How my blood roared and my heart would pound against the cages. "John..?" She mumbled out. "Hm..?" There was a slight hesitant pause in her voice before she spoke again, as if fearing the answer. "How do you know your in love?"

        I released a deep sigh, my delicate drawings never faltering. "I don't really know, from personal experience? It's when you want to give that person everything to please them. You suddenly have this urge to continue being the cause of their smile and the reason they laugh. You want to please each other and just being around them is fulfillment enough. When you begin to notice the little quirks they might unconsciously make or when you will give up everything to see them happy. Their happiness becomes yours and its infectious.

        Their sadness kills you. Their pain feels unbearable. Their joy is overpowering and you feel as if you might explode every second. But you don't. You want that roller coaster feeling every second of every day. You don't feel yourself falling in love, you're not even aware when it happens, but you know you are when the moment of pain hits you the moment you see your not the reason they smile anymore. When you know that they were never yours to begin with. But you continue to support them in everything they do, you smile when they do because god forbid if they see you cry and you cause them to worry about you. God forbid if you're now the reason they're hurting. But you'll do whatever it takes to stay by them, even if the cost is yourself."

        There was the long pause of silence before she spoke, a small whisper. "I don't want to love him anymore. I'd much rather love someone like you." The words probably stung worse for the sheer fact I was already ensnared in her trap, but they caused my stomach to twist and my chest to ache. "That's the sucky part, we really don't choose who we love. It chooses us and we have to just live with the consequences of a choice we never made." I paused for a moment, carefully planning my words out before I spoke them to her. Every word had to be carefully in place, otherwise she'd fall apart in the state she was in. But I kind of just held her closer and buried my face into her hair. "I hope you do, and you're happy with them because god damn if you don't deserve anything less than what you've been handed. You deserve the world and more [Name]. More than any of us could ever possibly give you."

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AN: Okay, so I'm not going to do this often with these little ending notes. But this chapter man, I had to write this out. I seriously had to get some things off of my chest and the only way I could was by writing this. I don't honestly believe the Cannon version of John would get this deep and emotional but the words here I needed to say. That I've wanted to say to someone very special to me but I kind of just can't, you know? I know that they're probably not reading this and even if they are and they have no idea who I am. I still haven't really decided if that's a good scenario or not, but I definetely know that they're not reading this right now. And a part of me is relieved for that simple factor. I'm sorry I might be getting to deep and emotional with you guys, and hell, I don't have that big of a fanbase but damn it feels so fucking good to write this shit out. It feels vanFUCKINGtastic to be able to escape like this. I want to say thank you all who've put up with the shit I write, because everything on here makes my day a fuckload better; all the views and comments and votes. It kinda just reminds that "hey, you're not really that useless. You managed to get interest of actual people, who breathe the same air you do, who live under the same sun you do and who are just people like you." So thank you all and I hope that you guys have a wonder day/night/evening/morning/whatever. Just be happy guys. Whatever makes you happy fucking do it. 

I'm out, bye peeps<3