Beside You - Ashton Irwin

12

*Possible Trigger Warning: Body Image/Body Dysmorphia*

After talking with Ashton last night, I had decided I needed to put my walls back up. I hated opening up to people about how I felt. Eddie and I had decided not to go to school today, skipping classes was never really my thing back in high school in America, but after the day I had yesterday, I wasn't ready to go back. "You know what we haven't done yet?" I shook my head at Eddie. "We should go for a swim." Eddie excitedly jumped up and walked towards the staircase. "Andy, please! It's not that cold, I promise!" Eddie stuck her hand out for me to grab as she pulled me upstairs. "You did bring a bikini right?" I shake my head as she stops and stares at me. "I only had like 20 minutes to pack!" She shakes her head with a smirk on her face. 

"You came to a country surrounded by beaches, and you forgot bathers?" I laugh at her as we continue walking up the carpet padded stairs. "Here, borrow these." Eddie hands me a pair of black bikini bathers. I walk into the bathroom and pull them on. There are not many beaches in New York unless you want to go to Long Island or even The Hamptons. I looked at myself in the mirror, unhappy with the stranger that I saw. The stranger I saw in the mirror had no thigh gap, and stretch marks, the stranger's tummy wasn't flat, but her chest almost was. To say I was unhappy with myself was an understatement. "Eddie, I-I don't think I can do this." I sniffled to keep the tears back.

"What? Put on a bikini. Andy, it's not that hard just slip on the-" I cut her off, "No Eddie, love my body. I-I hate wearing bikinis or clothes that I can't cover up with." I could hear Eddie sigh outside the door. "Andy, you're beautiful, I've always wanted to look like you since I saw you when we were 13, I always thought how pretty you were, you have beautiful curves and the sharp and defined Latina jawline! You were always my idol, Andy. You gotta believe me when I say that." I thought about Eddie's words, I unlocked the door and walked out to face Eddie. 

"Thank you, Eddie. You have no idea what your words mean to me." I bring her into a hug as we both stand there in our bathers. "Shall we go for a dip, m' lady?" I laughed, remembering how we used to talk in horrifying British accents. "I do believe we shall kind sir." We held each other's hands as we skipped down the stairs and out the back door. We ran down the secret pathway and raced each other to the ocean. Just before we stepped in, I stopped. "Andy?" Eddie stared at me while she was ankle-deep. I just stared at the ocean. Memories coming back to when Anthony would take me to swim with him, he was actually the one who taught me how to do the butterfly stroke. "I... Anthony used to swim with me every weekend. I-It was our thing." 

Eddie looked at the water, then back at me. "I miss him too Andy... but I... It's good to remember the good things, but sometimes it's just healthier to move on?" I wanted to yell at her about how hard it was to move on. But then I thought about how this affected Eddie too. I knew she was on my side, she was my biggest supporter. "Yeah... let's swim, ok?" She nodded as she held out her hand for me to grab. It felt good being able to move on, not to forget, but to move forward with my life.

"EEK!" The water was cold. "Edina Clarke! You told me this water was not cold!" She laughed as she pulled me deeper in the water so it was up to our waists. "Are you ready to dive in?" I didn't have time to nod as she pulled me under the water. It was cold, but also weirdly refreshing. We splashed around a bit, dunking each other underwater. After we got bored with our splash fight, we starfished on top of the water. "You really miss him don't you?" I was silent for a bit. Unsure of what to say. Of Course, I missed my brother, but, after Eddie's previous words about moving on, "Yeah... I miss him... every day. But it's been four years since his death. I'm not sad, or angry like I was when he died, I'm just... emotionless about him. 

I like reliving the happy moments with him. He looked after me more than my dad did. He was more of a father figure than my dad. But when he came back from basic training, he changed. He wasn't as happy anymore, he just existed?" Eddie grips my hand harder as we hear voices from the shore. "Oi, Clarke, Pentworth!" We hear Mikey's voice yell at us. Eddie and I splashed out until we were standing up in the water. I instantly became 20x more insecure as I stood in front of the 4 boys. "Hey Andy, Hey Eddie." Calum waved at us. We both waved back as the boys ripped off their shirts. "Hey, hey, hey, when did we invite you to join us?" Eddie cocked her eyebrow as she crossed her arms. "Well, you didn't, but we want to join. So here we are!" 

Luke opened his arms as he ran in, jumping on Eddie and pushing her back into the water. Ashton was the only one of the boys who didn't remove his shirt before he ran into the water. I didn't think anything of him. Anyone can be insecure, and maybe Ash wasn't feeling that great today about himself. I could relate to that. "Hey Ash, how has your day been?" He looked at me oddly. "I should be asking you, you weren't at school today?" I looked away for a few seconds. "Yeah... I wasn't ready to go back after yesterday. I haven't even looked at twitter all day. I just watched movies with Eddie. She's a really good best friend/cousin." Ashton nodded at me before grabbing my hand and bringing me over to the others. "Should we play chicken?" I looked at them, confused. "Chicken?" They all nodded at me expectantly. "What the fuck is chicken?"

Eddie started laughing when Calum wobbled with her on his shoulders. I was scared while I was on Luke's shoulders, it wasn't that I didn't trust him, I just didn't know if I would be too heavy for him. Luke walked over to Calum and Eddie. "Ready, Set, CHICKEN!" Eddie leaned forward and started pushing my shoulders so I would fall. Luckily I reacted quickly and pushed her back. Maybe basketball did me well? "Andy? Edina?" 

Laura called from the shore, "Oh! Hi boys!" We all looked quickly up at Aunt Laura. "Hey, Mrs Clarke!" All the boys yelled back at her, smiles on all their faces. Laura was a kind person, she always brightened up a room, she made everyone she met smile, it was something I had always admired about her. "Can you boys tell your families that they're all invited to dinner at ours at 6 pm? I know it's a school night but I haven't caught up with anyone for a while!" The boys nodded as we went back to Chicken. Today was definitely better than yesterday. 

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Hi Darlings, 

With this chapter and Andy's expression of insecurity about her body and the way she looks at herself, I wanted to reflect some of my own emotions to help connect myself to Andy's character because I honestly do see some of myself in her. But, I wanted to say if you ever feel the same way that Andy does, I want you to know that yeah, it's normal to feel like that, but you are unique, beautiful and powerful in your own way, and you will always be special. If you ever need to chat about anything, my Wattpad dms are open, and my TikTok is in my bio, and ofc my dms there are open aswell. Much love. xx