Be this Way

34.

I woke up Friday night around 3 am screaming. I felt my blood spewing from my lips and I emptied out. My eyes flew open. I had been dreaming. My therapist told me I may suffer from PTSD, and dreams could be a part of that. I was dreading meeting Kendall, fearful of what she would say. Jenna made me promise I wouldn't tell anyone even Maverick the plan. She said she would come over early Saturday to hook me up with wires for when Kendall did show up, I'd be ready.

I must have been dreaming I was screaming, mom didn't come running to my room. My mouth was parched. I slid out of bed to sneak into the kitchen for a glass of water, my stomach grumbled too, I'd been to scared to eat, i wasn't sure I could keep it down.

I grabbed a water bottle from the fridge and stared into the dark hallway, suddenly feeling extremely claustrophobic. My heart started racing I could feel it pounding in my chest cavity my breathing became short and shallow. I needed to get out of this apartment. I quietly open the door my water bottle in one hand and stepped out into the hallway. It was brightly lit and I felt safer in there than I did in the apartment. The apartment had become a place where all I thought about was what happened to me.

I found myself walking up the stairs my body knew where it was going. I pushed open the heavy-metal door remembering the last time I was up here. I couldn't possibly imagine why Maverick was standing by my side through all of this. It had to be out of pity there was no other reason. My eye scan the rooftop my heart stopped there was a body on the couch.

I turned quickly the door hadn't Shut yet the body was laying there still. I wasn't quick enough the sound of metal banging on metal caused the mass on the couch to set up. I felt my world go dark until I heard the voice.

"What the fuck?" It was Maverick, his voice heavy with sleep, I realized he wasnt just a giant body mass but him, in a sleeping bag. "Hello?" He stupidly asked into the dark.

"Maverick." I whispered out, the mass moved slightly. "It's me Livy."

"Livy, what the fuck are you doing?" He stood up, tripping as his feet were tangled in the sleeping bag. "Why are you up here?" He seemed mad, I shrunk back.

"I couldn't sleep." I kicked at a rock sitting on the roof. "Why are you up here?"

"I can only sleep up here lately." His voice softened, he must be fully awake now. "You shouldn't be out alone."

"I'm not you're here." My heart had finally slowed down and the adrenaline wore off from my earlier fright. "You scared me."

"I scared you?" He laughed walking towards me. "You come bursting up here and I scared you? Come on come sit with me it's freezing up here." He held an arm out, his silhouette looked like a giant black blob.

I finally felt the chill of the wind on my bare arms, it was cold. "Okay. Maverick why are you up here?" I sat down and let him wrap me up, warmth from his proximity and the blanket surrounded me.

"I can't sleep in that room. Liv, are you crazy?" He sighed. "All I can think about in there is you, and your perfect innocence and how someone could hate you enough to beat the living shit out of you."

"I don't want you to think that way about me Maverick. I don't want you to worry." I put a hand on his knee.

"That first day I saw you, that crazy secretary Mrs. brings brought you into the room, you were so tiny so shy and reserved.you had that headband on your head and you picked out your fingernails and you thought I wasn't watching but I was. I wanted so desperately to know what your name was. And then I heard it your name. And in that moment all I wanted to do was get to learn more about Livy. And look what it did, I made you go to those parties, I brought you around him." He was practically yelling, I pulled back scared, but also touched, he'd noticed me that first day.

"Maverick, it's not your fault." I sighed. "It's his fault." It broke my heart he blamed himself, he helped me break out of my shell, which I was enjoying before the assault. I knew I couldn't ever blame him.

"Yah I tried telling myself that. But my selfishness got you hurt when all I wanted to do was protect you. I left you to sell forty dollars worth of weed." He was crying. I felt tears welling in my eyes as well. My heart pulled I had no idea he had felt this way.

I had no response. My mind finally blank for the first time since I woke up in the hospital. Hearing him say that, wondering how he was feeling, now I know. For some reason I felt relaxed and calm. I didn't want to see him in pain, but I was feeling selfish. He was taking some of the blame, at least somebody was. I knew logically that he wasn't the one to blame. I wondered was Ian at home in his bed, was he worried, was he having panic attacks in the middle of the night. I highly doubt it. But here was his boy, beautiful and kind, and he was panicking in the middle Of the night. He cared. Maverick looked at me, his eye shiny from crying, he put a hand on my cheek. I didn't pull away, his touch didn't terrify me, like I was worried about.

"Maverick. Just stop." I leaned my head on his shoulder. I wished I could tell him what Jenna had planned but that was between us. I wondered if that would ease his worry, or upset him more.

"I just had to tell someone." He ran his hands over his head. "No one wants to hear me."

"I know. I'm sorry Maverick eventually this will be over right?" I felt my eyes getting heavy. "It will be over soon." I yawned. I felt his eyes studying me.

"I hope so." Maverick rubbed my shoulders. I fell back asleep in his arms.