A Rocket to the Moon

Brave: One

"Are you okay? You doesn't look excited." pabulong ng nurse sa akin habang tinatanggal ang suwero sa kamay ko. I saw some bruises around it, I felt a little pain.

"Aziel weren't here anymore. Who would be happy if no one's waiting for you outside this hospital?" I whisper, I feel comfortable when the IV successfully removed in my hand.

Agad akong dumiretso sa comfort room at nagpalit ng damit. I fix myself and go to the mirror. I look at my eyes down to my face. Namamaga ang mga mata ko at namumula ang magkabilang pisngi ko.

I cried when Aziel left and went with his family in US. I didn't know if he felt the same way I do, 'cause he promised not to leave.

"Sorry if I can't be by your side forever. Move forward without me, fulfill your mission." the last thing he said that day, hugging me tight that I couldn't breathe anymore. "You are Brave, right?"

I nodded while tears streaming in my face, remembering everything. Paulit-ulit itong sinasabi ng isip ko, pero kahit isa ay wala akong maintindihan.

I heard a knock outside the door and a voice calling my name. Tinapos ko ang pag-aayos ng sarili bago lumabas.

I saw my personal nurse sitting in my bed together with my back packs and stuffs. I have a lot of things here in hospital like sketchpads, bond papers, crayons, pastels and different pictures of anime characters.

I learned it when I felt boredom. I watched videos on how to paint and draw. I can't bring my instruments here because I have a lot of neighbors near in my room. Baka makabulabog lang ako.

My room was a plain white wall together with cream curtains, the other side was an oxygen tank and a table for my medicines, charts with schedule of visits and check ups. Mas lalo akong nasusuffocate sa paligid kaya ito ang napag-isipan ko.

I painted gardens with trees, flowers dancing in the wind, green mountains, everything I can see in province. I always imagine I'm in a farm. I made this just to breathe.

In my ceiling are stars that glows every night together with my favorite moon, and a quotation above that I always saw when I woke up, Live like you're not afraid to die.

I fix my things and get my back pack together with my sketchpad. I wear my mask before we go out. My personal nurse bring my remaining stuffs before we leave my room.

Brine, my brother, decided to discharge me when he knew Aziel went with his family in US. Alam niya na wala na akong kasama dito sa hospital kaya napag-isipan niyang iuwi nalang ako sa bahay.

We went straight to the lobby. Bumuntong-hininga ako ng makitang wala pa akong sundo. Inilapag ko ang mga gamit bago iginawad ang buong paningin sa paligid.

Looking at those familiar uniforms of nurse and staffs, patients with wheelchair and people visiting their love ones. But what caught my attention is the girl wearing a beanie, with her thin body and pale face. I saw her last week in the corridor, kasama ang pamilya niya na binisita siya.

How I wish to be one of those patient with complete family. I didn't know hows the feeling of having a complete family that really cares for you, worried if you're not feeling well, helps you to fight your sickness, afraid to lose you and gives reason why you should live.

Hindi ko alam ang pakiramdam ng mabuhay para sa sarili ko. All I know is doctor and nurses doing their job to improve my health and help me to live longer. I live because other people fight for my life, and I felt useless because I can't do it for myself.

I turn my gaze to the entrance door when I saw a familiar man wearing a fit jeans and hoodie. Tinaas ko ang kanang kamay para makita niya ako kaagad. I lower down my mask and automatically smile to him, the smile that everyone wants to see.

He stop in front of me and look into my eyes. My smile widen when he's trying to read my mind. Ayoko nang dagdagan pa ang mga problema niya, he's always busy and tired of work. Ayoko maging pabigat nalang palagi.

He get my things and thank my personal nurse before facing me.

"Let's go home."

I stand and look at him with a smile. "I'm already home."

I was talking about the hospital because I almost live here. When he's not around, I was with my nurse, or I'll bring my stuffs here because I'm alone in the house.

Dumiretso kami sa 'di kalawakang parking lot. He put my things at the back and open the door for me. Umupo ako kaagad at hinintay siya.

Tinahak namin ang daan pauwi. Papalubog na ang araw, kulay kahel na ang kalangitan. I saw some people in hurry just to catch up jeepneys, people with tired eyes and came from work, students bonding with their friends and went out every night, running in sweat just to catch up classes, staying late at night doing projects.

I wonder hows the feeling of being free.

It's already dark when we arrived in the house. No one's around, nahinto ako sa paglalakad papasok, parang gusto ko nalang bumalik sa hospital.

I wonder if someone was also the same situation like me, o ako lang ba ang nagkakaganito? I wonder how's the feeling of being a choice or not left behind. I wonder how to live with my own life and decisions.

I wonder why I'm still alive.