Metanoia ( 2doc )

six

tw: addiction and mental health

S t u a r t 's  P O V

The person standing in the mirror, staring back at Stuart seemed like a total stranger. Not only the freaky appearance but the dark circles around his tired eyes, the bumps and imperfections to his skin, how mouth constantly made it look like he was sad. His boney structure, long lanky arms. Stuart mostly hated being sober for this reason, the insecurities. 

His brain worked differently from others, he was well aware he was stupid, but he didn't want anyone to see that. He already regretted telling Murdoc, even though he trusted him. 

Murdoc always protected him in the past, even though he didn't need to protect him still, Stuart wanted him to. Back then he loved the boy and when he had to leave him, it broke his heart and he never recovered. In fact, he still loved him. His mind was constantly foggy, but there was one thing he was sure of. And that was Murdoc.

He regretted not finding him sooner, but truth was, he was scared. It was pure luck that they ended up in the same place now. His mom got custody back two years ago, but he only lived with her for a few months before finding his own place. His mom knew that if she sent him away, she'd stop receiving child benefit. So she simply let him go.

No matter how drunk or high Stuart was, even though he had week-long benders, he never stopped thinking about Murdoc. Burying that pain in temporary bliss with girls, and even though he knew he was attracted to men as well, he never went further than kissing with them. As pathetic as it sounds, Stuart still held on to hope that Murdoc would be his first.

Stuart made a few suggesting jokes here and there, and he wasn't sure how Murdoc felt. They had to get to know each other all over again. Stuart didn't know how to interpret Murdoc's actions, when he made him sit in his lap, or when he grabbed him by the waist. He had to observe how he was around other guys before then.

In his mind, Murdoc was the only one for him. His olive-toned skin, thick black hair, the one red eye that made him look even tougher. Every time he saw him smile, no matter what kind of smile, it filled Stuart with emotion no drug could ever reproduce. The standard confident smirk was hot, but his favourite one was the rarest. The genuine, gentle smile that wasn't forced in any way.

Stuart stared blankly into his reflection, thinking about the kiss all those years ago. He remembered the look on Murdoc's face. It wasn't anger, which meant that he couldn't have hated it too much. If he did he would probably hit him and yelled. Stuart was so nervous after he had run off, he vomited all over his shoes. Both because of regret and hormones, but also because of the fact that he would probably not see him again, at least not for years.

Memories of what happened next popped back into his head, "Shut up." he whispered harshly to himself and clenched his eyes shut, just pushing those thoughts into the back of his head like usual.

"Fuck it," He sighed, opening the bathroom cabinet and grabbing a bottle of Ritalin. He had tried staying away from the stimulants for Murdoc, even though he hated the feeling of being sober. At least it's not speed. He wanted to be himself for him, knowing Murdoc was one of the few people that wouldn't judge him for being himself.

He didn't have an actual reason to take the pills, other than to feel something. His brain actually worked better with 'uppers', it was as if it didn't move in slow motion and managed to pay attention. The only problem with stronger things than Ritalin, was the massive ego and self-confidence that followed. It usually didn't bother him since he was always high, but at times like this when he was sober he began overthinking and analyzing his every action.