Fuelling Forces || The Walking Dead

Part 2: Rocky Adjustment Period

Guilt was eating me alive as I thought back to when we had left Merle handcuffed to the roof. The shit a person does to stay alive is twisted and unjustified. But Merle would not stop going at T-Dog and Rick had to set some ground-rules to stay alive. I almost also took his head off with my katana as he spat some rude pick-up lines towards me.

Glenn managed to get us relatively safely to the camp after stealing a red car. Well its technically not stealing anymore than using what we had at our disposal. I thought Rick was going to discard me right away after he found Lori and Carl, but instead he introduced me to them warmly and told them that without me he wouldn't have arrived to the camp in one piece. Lori was very welcoming after that fact, and Carl seemed to stick to me like glue much to my dismay. It was ironic, that I had made a profession out of working with children, healing them and taking care of them and now I couldn’t even be seen with one anymore. It made me green to the face that I had to converse with Rick's little boy, but I pushed through. He knew that I was still sensitive after my son’s death, yet he had left me with Carl. Their leader, Shane kept giving Rick and I dirty looks and Dale insisted on me putting my blades away. I told Dale that it made me a little bit more comfortable with the idea of sleeping at night even though it was a lie. Nothing would ever make me that comfortable that I could sleep like a log after witnessing what I had.

Over the few months at this camp, I had grown fiercely protective of Carl and Sophia Pelletier as they had put me on babysitting duty ever since finding out what I used to do for a living. The two kids grew on my heart like a weed. Stubborn, strong and wouldn't go away. Ed Pelletier did not like me one bit as I called him out for what I saw every day. He raised his fists to me one time I had it through with him about the group being utterly sexist. Shane, T-Dog and Daryl lunged to get me out of the way but I was already there, two steps ahead of them. I had him in a lock, kicking his ribs in. I was no damsel in distress. Rick had to hold me back from tearing Ed's face off clean with my nails.
“Don’t you ever raise your hands to me! You ever think of raising your hands to anyone else in this camp again and I will slice your fingers off one by one, layer by layer while you watch. I’ve seen those bruises you put on Carol and Sophia you piece of horse shit! You should be so lucky you had a chance with your own child you pathetic lump of meat!” I snapped at him, releasing him to drop on the floor going with Rick.

I had time to assess the camp’s reactions to my uncharacteristic outburst. Carol was watching in tears unsure of what to make of the situation, holding an awed Sophia. Rick was standing with his fists clenched, near Lori, Amy and Andrea were glancing at Carl smirking. The men were looking at me a little bit shocked. Something inside of me was bubbling over the edge, something completely uncontrollable as I breathed heavily. I tried to keep my unstable emotions back in and it worked for now. I huffed and went back to chopping the carrots calmly but the tears brimming my eyes were traitorous. I really wanted to be cuddled by my husband right now, I felt so alone.

“That way she threatened Ed was scary, and she made all it seem so effortless like she did it for a living. Makes me wonder what her old man was like.” Daryl commented, cleaning his bow off at the side of the camp unaware of me listening in.

“If you think that’s scary, you should see her take on a full horde by herself. She practically told me to sit down and have a cup of tea while she took about eighteen Walkers down singlehandedly. I’ve never seen anything like it. I almost crapped myself when I saw her run into them fearlessly.” Rick commented with a smirk, looking at Shane.

“It's always the quiet ones you gotta watch out for.” Shane’s piercing eyes drilled a hole into my skull.

I looked up back at Shane as his eyes assessed me unwaveringly. I would not be intimidated by a man. My trainer wouldn't allow me to back down to a man’s intimidation techniques, especially not now. He was a man himself, always pushing, always prodding at my temper training me to stand up for myself.
It took a few weeks for Rick to decide to go back to Atlanta for his weapons and to go find Merle. Daryl was having a complete bitch-fit because of the fact that we left Merle behind. I volunteered but Rick wanted me to stay with the group and look out for Carl while he was gone so I respected his wishes even though I didn’t approve of his reasoning. It was the beginning of me feeling like Rick’s henchwoman, but I also couldn’t find it in me to dislike that statement. I did technically become Rick’s bodyguard in a way. He had kept me safe just as much as I had kept him safe. I respected Rick too much to betray him like that. I had wanted to leave the group earlier, but Rick refused to let me go. He had grown a family attachment to me and he didn't want me to die alone. I understood his motives, yet couldn’t find it in me to fully accept them.

While they had been on the run, it was quiet in the survivor camp until a horde came by unexpectedly. I laughed in glee at the thought of killing these intruders, unintentionally making Shane look questioningly at me. They already thought I was a lunatic, not that it mattered to me. These things didn’t deserve any mercy or justice! Andrea stayed close to me cutting these cannibals down as I took down the brunt of the horde with Carl and Sophia in mind and safe. Shane and the rest of the gun-wielding men did their best, but unfortunately they took Ed and Amy down. I couldn't help but shed a tear as Andrea grieved for her sister, understanding what it was like to lose someone you loved. Amy just simply wasn't meant for this new world. She was too nice, too forgiving, too soft… It wasn’t fair.

Pushing myself off the RV, I took off into the woods cutting down an incoming Walker, chopping and chopping in grief releasing all my mourning for our losses on the camp until another pair of arms pulled me back.

“Whoa! Easy there Mulan!” Lori tried to calm me down.

“Let me go Lori!” I shouted at her, running more into the woods.
I hated these things!

Tears wet my face horrendously as I searched fruitlessly. This was how I grieved.

“What have they done to make you this suicidal Leah?” Lori sighed, rubbing her hair back.

“You have nightmares almost every night when you do sleep, you eat the bare minimum and that with our portions is not nearly enough!” Lori scolded me, smoothing her hair back again in a frustrated manner.

I blanched at the overly observant mother.

“That’s none of your business Lori! Concentrate on saving your own life and that of Carl’s and leave mine in my own hands.” I told her, rubbing a tear off my eye and running back towards the RV.

Yeah, I know. It was childish of me to react like that… But people really didn’t understand that the dynamic in the apocalypse was different. One didn’t care much for a proper social queue. Once my katanas were clean, I tried to get some rest. The keyword being tried. I got about a solid hour in before the nightmares came and I was thrashing again. Shane had woken me up.

“You can't keep doing this Leah. We’ve all lost someone or something, the world doesn't revolve around you stop being so selfish!” He sneered at me.

I gaped, trying to keep my cool.
“GET OUT! YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING!” I shouted at him, throwing my katana at his head. How dare he?

I was tired of getting blamed for something I couldn’t really help. It landed a hair length next to his ear, landing with a thud and the reverb making his eyes widen. Shane let out a yelp of shock as the blade grazed his ear. As soon as he stomped out making his opinions about me known, Dale scurried inside with a shocked expression. I groaned tiredly as he yanked the sword out of the chair. Can a bitch not have any piece in the apocalypse? He sighed and sat next to me, sheathing the sword again by the holster near my feet. My emotions bubbled over and I was sobbing in resignation.

“I don't know what happened but I do know that you may not trust me, or anyone else at this camp. I know that you are grieving, but please talk to someone about it. I've known you for quite some time now, and I know that you are such a good person but the grief is eating you alive. I might not be able to help you, but someone here might. Just try Leah.” He told me before leaving the RV.

I started crying again in pain. Who could have helped me? I sat inside the RV for what seemed like forever. I observed Carol hack at her dead husband’s head, I watched Andrea shoot her sister after ages of sitting with her, I noted that Rick had come back with his recon team. Lori came regularly to check up on me, to feed me but I refused to eat. I watched Andrea, my good friend Andrea, walk around lethargic at the loss of her sister. I could have helped her! I chucked the cup of water down at that thought, heaving out dry tears.
I felt it before I knew what was happening. I was having a panic attack. Flashbacks of my new-born and Amy's face ran through my mind like a derby. Sounds of Amy’s laugh and my babies cries taunted me. I laid on the seat sweating, and in shock. My body refused to respond as it shook heavily. I watched as Carl kept glancing at me from through the window. Rick pushed him towards the door, I knew I was letting him down but this needed to happen. Somehow.

Carl took hesitant steps towards the door. I knew that most of the camp was listening in. They were curious about the most recent oddball of the camp. I suppose they deserved to know why I was acting this way. Carl watched me carefully come down from my withdrawal rubbing my face in exhaustion.

“You need sleep.” He commented.
I snorted in sarcasm.

“You're scaring me.” He said hesitantly holding my hand.

I pang of regret flooded through my body. I didn’t mean to scare anyone.

“I’m sorry gunslinger. I guess I’m scaring a lot of people. I can’t help it either. Shit happened and turned me into what I am now.” I whispered to him, my voice hoarse.

He was sitting at my feet, waiting for me to speak. Dale stood at the door leaning on his shotgun, nodding for me to continue. I needed Dale here more than I realised. Dale was the only rock of the group that worked effectively.

“Okay then. So you see, a very bad man did things to me that weren’t morally right. I became pregnant, but at the time I didn't know so I attended MMA classes to try and avoid that ever happening to me again. That’s why I know how to use these,” I touched the katanas,” but I found out that I was pregnant and eventually gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, which I named Liam.” I told him letting out a crying wet smile. Carl squeezed my hand in his.

“What happened to him? Where is he now?” Carl asked innocently.
I rubbed his hair back affectionately, squeezing my eyes shut painfully. Another flashback of torn flesh and horrid pained baby cries crossed my mind.

“The W-Walkers invaded my ward. They- the- they... they... took him from me. In front... front of me! He wasn’t even a day old. I’m sorry Carl, but some things people can’t just come back from. I didn’t even hold him for ten minutes. They tore his flesh apart in front of me. I was so angry. So sore. I killed them all!” I struggled out sobbing.

Carl had tears in his eyes as I bawled onto his shoulders. The poor boy didn’t deserve to be my shoulder to cry on but he was there, like my faithful knight in shining armour. I heard a couple of breaths release from the few woman outside. They were shocked at my story, not expecting me to be the type to be a mother. I wasn’t fit for the role. Well not now at least.

"I'll kill them all if I could! I don't care about getting killed myself in the way but if that's what it takes-" I hissed out to Carl, smoothing his hair away from his face.

"I want you to promise me that you'll stay alive. If not for Liam's memory, then for me... and dad. I want you around, you're the only one cool enough for me." Carl said the first part very seriously.

I smiled at him from under my eyelashes, wiping a tear with the one hand and holding his head with the other. It took me a while to reply. I just didn't have the words.

"I'm still grieving for the loss of my child. However you have somehow in this small time crawled into all of my defenses Carl and my body-my mind, refuses to let you die. That includes Sophia. You guys have become the only thing worth living for, and I promise to protect this group with you, until my last dying breath. We take care of our own gunslinger." I told him, with my voice shaking.

Dale shifted from foot to foot, with tears in his eyes.

"That includes you Dale, it was about time my grueling secret came out. This group can't hold together with secrets. I couldn't hold myself together for long enough. I'm sorry." I told him looking down at the floor.

"Don't be sorry. I understand, the loss of a child is something very difficult for a parent to deal with. I give you my sincerest apologies that you had to witness his death in such a manner, that you didn't get the chance to give your son the proper burial he deserved. You know what Leah, for someone who had to go through something so cruel, I understand why you broke down and almost killed Shane. However you can only get stronger from this experience." I nodded to Dale, with Carl hugging me tight. He continued.

"You are an asset to this group, with your skills using the swords and how you can just about do anything else we ask the woman to do and we don't ask them because we're sexist, we ask them because the majority aren't trained in the art of combat or how to use a weapon. It is safer here for them, then out there where they have a slim chance of surviving. I would like you to partner up with Daryl, when we find a new place you can hunt with him for game and so on. But we ask you to come back to us every time you leave for a run. As you said we take care of our own." And with that Dale climbed back up onto the roof watching the perimeter.

I left my blades near the guns, but with a hand knife holstered to my pocket for just in case. Carl was hanging to my back, in a piggy back manner and exiting the RV to get some fresh air.

"Hold on tight, we're going for a quick jog." I told Carl before waving to a sympathetic Lori and a proud Rick.

Hell I was proud of myself for popping that secret out. I felt a whole lot lighter.