church boys ✒ namjin

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CHAPTER NINE:
FEAR OF NORMAL.

               TRUE TO HIS word, Namjoon did fill Seokjin in on all the details surrounding the hush hush nature of all things non heterosexual in their little town. He spoke of Jackson, of whom everyone was afraid to end up like. He spoke of the nature of all the townspeople, spindled under a spell his father, the local pastor cast. He told Seokjin of how close minded they all were and how school was the one place to let the gay loose.

And Seokjin raged.

He'd grown up in an environment where it was either okay to be yourself or no one cared at all. And at least indifference was better than blatant hatred. It angered him that they were so terrified of the people they called family, they've stayed in the deepest part of the closet for a few years now.

He wanted to hold all his LGBTQ+ classmates in his arms and smother them in warm hugs and kisses and tell them it was okay to feel attracted to what felt like it was forbidden. Tell them it was alright to neither feel like a boy or a girl or be attracted to the same sex. He wanted to tell their dysphoria did not define them and yes, as a boy, it was okay to cry and want to press their lips against that other boy's lips, just like his parents had told him.

He wanted to comfort all of them but most of all, he wanted to comfort Namjoon. He wanted to tell the younger boy he saw the pain in his eyes and he didn't need to hide behind a mirage of happiness. He saw the fear in his trembling fingers whenever he thought of his parents and he understood the racing of his heart when he feared he would get caught for simply being a normal boy.

He wanted to tell Namjoon that even if he accepted who he was, he could still see hints of his parents in him and no, he wasn't turned gay, he was born gay. Seokjin hated that Namjoon's outlook had been altered simply because of people who thought differently, worshipped a god that promised love while his people spread hate.

He wanted to bundle Namjoon in a cocoon like a caterpillar and keep him safe until he sprouted into a butterfly. But he couldn't do these things because there was little time, and by the time Namjoon was done with his story and his unlit cigarette, his parents were pulling into the driveway so the younger boy had to scramble inside whispering frantic goodbyes and hurrying up to room to keep up the guise of a studious god fearing kid.

Seokjin hated it. Hated how there were two Kim Namjoon's. The fake, which was only visible to the boy's parents and the real which was only revealed at school, on the internet. To him. And he loved it, too. Loved how Namjoon could genuinely be himself around him.

It was things like these that had him grateful for his parents. Grateful they weren't close minded and accepted him and his older brother for who they really were. He knew his parents were dying to meet Namjoon because Seokjin spoke about him a lot. He knew it was taking everything in them to not just go knock on the younger kid's door to kidnap him to come live with them because they had never met the boy but they loved him just as much as Seokjin did.

He credited everything to Namjoon. Him making kind, funny friends so fast, him being happy so fast and him actually enjoying the town so fast. A few weeks in and Seokjin already took back what he'd said to his parents about how he was going to hate moving and how he would not make any friends. All thanks to Namjoon. Namjoon helped him in more ways than one.

And Seokjin couldn't help but feel useless, like he couldn't really help Namjoon with all that was going on at home. It must've been such a horrible environment to grow up in, hearing all the things your own parents have to say about you very own sexuality. And for seventeen years. People in this town were the strongest he knew. To go through that bullshit for so long.

That evening, even as Namjoon went inside, Seokjin stayed on the rooftop, eyes trained at the starry sky above him, mind racing with thoughts. He wanted to help, but how? He wanted all these people to live a safe and secure life when they came out. Not worrying about being disowned or thrown in a correction centre but what exactly could he do, he was just an eighteen year old boy with his own problems.

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. That had never stopped him before, though and it probably wouldn't now. He had to come up with something. Starting with Kim Namjoon. Namjoon didn't grow up with love on the part of his sexuality so Seokjin was going to clear his doubt, going to show him that it was okay to be anything other than hetero and there was no reason to hate himself for it.

On the days, months, years leading up to Seokjin accepting himself for who he was and coming to terms with the fact that he did not like girls or boys exclusively, he did not like strictly "male" clothes and he was probably not straight, he remembered just how awful that period was. He felt undeserving, he hated himself for being different and he desperately tried to hide that part of himself.

He understood that if he didn't have the parents he had and if he were in Namjoon's shoes, he probably never would have gotten comfortable with who he was. He never would've grown to be this person, wholly satisfied with himself. And Namjoon tried to hide it but he could see it in his eyes. He was doubting himself, wondering if he was normal.

Seokjin knew there was nothing wrong with Namjoon but the younger boy himself did not know that. And he would not have that, not a chance.

And Kim Seokjin was determined to help Kim Namjoon love himself.

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this chapter was important, i think. depends if the plot goes where i want it to go. plot has changed many times throughout the course of this book. sorry for the little to no dialogue, the description was what this was all about. thanks for reading. ✒ zina.