This Isn't About Reya

Chapter Nineteen

In Svetlana's mind, the light, however, was black and spiny - not so much a light as a dark, bleeding shadow. They brought nightmares and torment with them as they spiralled through her thoughts. 

Despite all her effort to keep it away - despite all the mental walls she had built, all the teeth clenched in defiance, all the pleading with her own mind - the memory that she had fought so hard to forget resurfaced.

She remembered the night. It was cold, and she stood with Daniil in one of the city's pine sanctuaries, secluded and alone. 

Yes, she remembered it well. It was the night when she first thought that Daniil didn't actually love her. 

And as she sobbed, the tears flowing freely with the pain that she had denied for so long, she realized something.

She would never forget. Not for as long as she lived.

Because, while heartbreak is like any other wound, and wounds always heals, the first heartbreak never truly does. It simply scars and slowly metastasizes, until you are consumed by it.

It never heals.

Never.

And she remembered.

The snow fell slowly, and the wind was low. The pines were still and quiet, and as the ice around her shifted and cracked, so did her heart.

They were young then. Too young, it seemed, to understand any of it. But she did. She knew it.

And it all seemed to happen so quickly, without warning, without mercy...

******

Daniil stood solemnly before her, his hands in his pockets, his face full of torment.

Svetlana reached to grab his hand. He pulled away.

Svetlana's heart caught in her throat. "Daniil," she whispered, her eyes filling, "what's wrong?"

He paused, licked his lips, blinked rapidly and swallowed. "Svet... do you remember when I told you I wanted us to last forever?"

Svetlana nodded. "Yes. That's what I want now. Don't you?"

Daniil shook his head slowly.

Svetlana's faith dissolved.

"I don't know what happened," Daniil murmured. "I swear, I wanted it. Back then. And I still love you. And I still love all the things you've given me. But I just... I don't love you as much as I did anymore."

Svetlana shook her head. "No, please don't say that. Anything but that."

Daniil's shoulders slumped. "I'm sorry, really. I wish I knew what happened. I swear, I do."

Svetlana felt the tears running freely now. "What did I do?"

"Nothing." Daniil shook his head. "I changed."

"I don't want you to change, though," Svetlana said.

"I don't either," he replied.

Svetlana let out a long sob. "But... I don't understand," she cried.

"Please, change my mind," Daniil whispered.

"I would if I knew how," Svetlana spat, suddenly full of anger, the tears still running, her face scrunching up, torn between disbelief, incredulity, hatred and the overwhelming sense of depression. Why was it that this boy had managed to steal her heart away, and now all of a sudden he was just going to drop it in the snow? She'd never cared about a boy before... she'd never cared about anything before. And now, the one thing she loved more than all the universe was just going to leave her?