The Order of the Phoenix - Harry Potter Male Reader Insert

8: Waging War On The House

"All right - squirt!"

"Holy shit!" Y/N had been spraying only a few seconds when a fully-grown doxy came soaring out of a fold in the curtain material, shiny beetle-like wings whirring, tiny needle-sharp teeth bared, its fairy-like body covered with thick black hair and its four tiny fists clenched with fury. Y/N caught it full in the face with a blast of Doxycide; it froze in midair and fell, with a surprisingly loud thunk, on to the worn carpet below. Harry picked it up and threw it in the bucket.

"You watch your tongue, you foul-mouthed cretin!" scolded Mrs Weasley once Y/N had gotten over his slight surprise.

"Right you are, Mrs W."

"Who are you calling Mrs W? Fred, what are you doing?' said Mrs. Weasley sharply. 'Spray that at once and throw it away!"

Now, the particular repetitions of the command 'squirt!' was not Y/N's idea of an ideal morning, but as new residents of Number Four, Grimmauld Place, it their apparent obligation to put on some gloves and give the large house a good old-fashioned deep clean. Granted, this was not Y/N's biggest strength as it was for Harry, but there really was nothing better to do, so there were no complaints.

So here he was, among all others dubbed 'too young to join the Order' and Mrs Weasley, doxy-repellant in hand, and spraying away at a pair of infested curtains.

Again, not the best use of Y/N's time but an efficient way to stomp out his recent boredom nonetheless.

"Remind me again why we're following Gilderoy Lockhart’s Guide to Household Pests to deal with these doxys?" mumbled Y/N annoyedly.

"Because despite the fact that the bloke nearly tried to Obliviate her own son, mum still thinks 'his' pest-control methods are brilliant." said Ron nastily, not loud enough for Mrs Weasley to hear him, however.

"You didn't say that loudly enough Ron, she won't hear you," said Y/N evily, knowing full well that Ron didn't want his mother to hear him. He then repeated what Ron had said in a loud voice, "It's because despite the fact that the bloke nearly tried to Obli -"

Ron's doxy spray fell to the floor with a clunk as he rushed forward to clamp his hand over Y/N's mouth. "Are you insane?" He hissed. "That woman'll have my head!"

Y/N shrugged Ron's hand away. "I know. That's why I did it."

"Blo-o-ody hell I hate you."

"What are you two doing talking instead of working?" called out Mrs Weasley impatiently.

"Nothing!" squeaked Ron.

"Ron's complaining about your infatuation with -"

Again, Ron clamped his hand over Y/N's mouth.

"Are you trying to get me killed?!"

"How on earth did you know?" Y/N responded, feigning shock.

Ron was about to retort when he heard the sound of stifled giggles. When he turned, Harry, Hermione and the twins had their hands on their stomachs, hunched over, and desperate trying to hold in their laughter. Ron's ears went red.

"Yeah yeah, laugh it up." he grumbled, picking up his doxy spray again and returning to work.

The de-doxying of the curtains took most of the morning. It was past midday when Mrs. Weasley finally removed her protective scarf, sank into a sagging armchair, and sprang up again with a cry of disgust, having sat on the bag of dead rats. The curtains were no longer buzzing; they hung limp and damp from the intensive spraying; unconscious doxies lay crammed in the bucket at the foot of them beside a bowl of their black eggs, at which Coconut was now sniffing and Fred and George were shooting covetous looks.