Naked (Wattys 2022)

part 23

Emily was on her way to the hospital and apologized profusely due to the traffic. I was reeling in agony. It felt like my heart was being lit on fire from within. I cried silently whilst doctors attempted to fix what had been broken.

I didn't know what on earth to do but to think about how terrible I was at being a friend. I was disgusted by the way I was never there for him. My phone rang and I didn't know how I was going to answer. As I stared at Kais name a wave of guilt overcame me.

Not towards Kai but the reflection I was staring at.

Breathing had become difficult and as the commotion in the room died down something within me was no longer there anymore.

I was alone. Kais name kept flashing on my screen as the doctor told me that Calhoun was brain dead. An overwhelming amount of sadness infiltrated my being and I didn't know what to make of it. It was a crushing pain I couldn't bare to describe. I was free falling at a speed I was not comfortable at.

I was angry at myself, pissed off for not answering the messages when I saw it. I was the reason. I'm a monster. I was the killer in his story. This scar was something that would continue to rattle my bones until the end of time.

I shed no tears as I sat motionless on the ground. This was all a dream right? I was waiting for Calhoun to come running in my arms with the brightest smile but nothing. Absolutely nothing.

###

3 months later.

I didn't attend his funeral and id been receiving nasty messages from his mother ever since she found out that I never responded to the texts he sent that night. I took it. The beating was necessary. I needed to take accountability for my actions. Even if every word she wrote was splitting my heart into millions.

"Eli, do you want some food?" Emily asked hesitantly.

"No thank you" I said softly as my voice was hoarse due to not speaking at all. I began taking online classes and refused to see anyone other than my parents. Kai continued to visit my home on a daily basis, reminding me how important and valued I was outside my window. I was in a deep depression and began doing things  harm myself secretly. It was a bad coping mechanism but it worked.

My thoughts were scattered and in no particular order I would get nightmares of each dreadful memory. In most cases Calhoun dies. In others I get abused. The word I thought meant the same as love was now hitting me with reality.

I wanted to die.

I was physically and mentally exhausted. I never cried since the incident and barely slept as well.

At this point I was suffering from anorexia. Emily and Daniel suggested we see a doctor since I was getting too thin. I shook my head. I didn't want to move. Daniel sighed and the door closed again.

It was the only way I could feel okay, remotely sane. If I layed one way. I clutched the yellow hoody in my hand and memories surfaced without warning.

Calhoun was someone no one on this planet earth could replace. He helped me when I needed someone most. Without being ridiculed I was accepted even though he needn't to be kind.

The thought of him no longer littering the world with his laugh was earth shattering. Traces of him lingered even when I tried to get rid of his trace. His smell, his presence was everywhere and it tormented me.

Speaking hurt, even thinking about him made my head pound uncontrollably and there was no way to silence it.

It was time again. He was here again.

"Hello Eli. I hope you ate something today. You know how much you love red apples and strawberries? I brought some for you."

"It's not your fault."He said it with confidence everytime but why did my inner voice overpower him so much?

"I'm so worried about you and I miss you." my heart ached. I was embarrassed to look him in the eye. What if something like this happened to him as well? Being alongside me was bad luck.

"I want to be there for you. I want to be someone you can lean on. You arent to blame Eli."

He stayed until late as per usual pouring salt onto my wounds with his kindness. The splinters ran deep.

I wasnt aware of the amount of pain I was in until Calhoun... I clutched my chest.

It all collapsed on top of me without hesitation.

And slowly, I became insane.

***

Days passed and my emotions only worsened by the hour.

I sat in the shower and sliced the blade across my skin. This time alot deeper. I couldn't feel anything.

I did it again and again until my strength was used up.

I was going to see him and I was going to finally apologise for what I'd done to him.

"Eli! WHAT ARE YOU DOING! EMILY CALL THE AMBULANCE. KAI COME AND HELP ME!"

***
KAIS POV

As I stared at his hollowed out cheekbones I crumbled towards his side and held his arm as tightly as I could.

Don't cry, don't panic. I thought as i squeezed harder.

"Don't leave me."