Is This Love? (UNDER EDIT)

Chapter 11 - Broken

Trigger Warning: Please note that this chapter will have mentions of nightmares, past traumas, and mental illnesses, so please skip this chapter if that may be an issue for you. Please remember to put your own mental health first because you are important! Take care!

Nat's POV

Nightmares, one of the only things the Black Widow was scared of. I know to some, that might sound foolish, but with a past like mine, they were just a constant reminder of how much of a monster I truly am.

This nightmare was no different, although this time when I woke up screaming and crying there were a pair of arms wrapped around my middle. It wasn't until I had completely come to terms with myself that I realized those pair of arms belonged to Steve.

He turned himself to face me and wrapped me in an embrace from the front. A monster like me shouldn't deserve someone like this but I returned the hug anyway, burying my head into his chest, purely because I didn't want him to see me cry. I didn't want him to see me when I am weak.

That's what the Red Room always said; never let yourself be weak, they will only use it against you. Oh how I would love to drown those words that were on repeat in my head out, but they wouldn't stop, and I knew they were right.

So I picked myself up off of Steve's shoulder and wiped away my tears, looking away from him until I could compose myself. He gently places my hand on my chin and lifts my chin up, forcing me to look at him. So I glare at him and get up off the bed backing away from him.

I'm sure he is confused right now, but I can't let myself be weak, he will only use it to hurt me. Everyone does.

"Nat are you ok?" he asked trying to walk towards me, only resulting in me backing away further.

"I'm fine, why wouldn't I be?" I asked putting on my best brave face.

"Uh, maybe because you just had a nightmare, then woke up and had a full-blown panic attack which took me 20 minutes to calm you down from." He quipped, however, his tone stayed gentle and calm.

I couldn't take this anymore, I couldn't let him see me at my weakest, but he was making it damn hard not to just run and hug him. To be safe in his arms, he was my safe place, the calm in the middle of a storm. Even though I hadn't realized it before now, it was always him, even during missions, he was my safe space. I felt good around him which wasn't something that I shared with anyone else alive.

But I couldn't let him know this, couldn't let him see me weak or know how I felt about him. So instead I just took off towards the bathroom and locked it behind me, ignoring all of Steve's calls to stop.

I slid down the door and curled into a ball, not having the energy to stop myself from bursting into tears once again. Steve was still calling out to me to unlock the door and let him in but I ignored him, I had to get my emotions in check. Nightmares always knocked me around, but this one had been so much worse than any other I have had for a while.

After a few minutes, I could hear some clicking sounds but I ignored them too, trying my best to focus on getting a grip on myself. The door opened, he must have picked the lock. The next thing I knew I was being carried bridal style back to the bed.

Steve carefully laid me down on the bed and then laid next to me, his eyes searching mine as if trying to get a read on what was going on.

"Why do you care about me? I am a monster, I don't deserve your kindness." I asked, breaking the silence. His expression immediately changed from a concerned one to one of pure sympathy.

You are not a monster, I think you are a great person Nat. Someone worthy of my kindness." He replied.

"What do you possibly see in me, Rogers?" I asked. All I see is a killer, one that is responsible for hundreds of innocent deaths.

"I see a beautiful, strong woman who is trying her best to be ruthless, powerful, and confident. Putting up near unbreakable walls around her heart to ensure that she can't get hurt. She has been hurt too much already. Although underneath all of her facades, lays a broken little girl that just wants someone to reach out and comfort her and tell her that everything's going to be ok. A support person that she was so wrongfully denied as a child." He finished.

At Steve's words, tears sprung to my eyes. He couldn't be more correct. It scared me how well he could read me but I pushed that all aside and fell into his arms, fresh tears flowing from my eyes.

"They are always the same. The nightmares, I mean. One way or another everyone I care about gets hurt or killed and it's always my fault. They haunt me. As a child I was conditioned by the Red Room to hide my emotions, not caring about anyone or anything. The Black Widow isn't meant to feel emotion, the Black Widow is a ruthless, cold-blooded killer." I tell him quietly into his shoulder, deciding to just for a minute, let my guards down and be vulnerable with someone.

"But what about Natasha? What does Natasha want?" he asked gently. I sighed, truly considering his question.

"I don't even know what Natasha wants. No one really knows the real Natasha, not even me. In fact, I think this is the first time in a very long time that I've let anyone see the real Natasha. Natasha is weak and far too broken for anyone to fix. I was always told in the Red Room not to show your weaknesses, as people will only use them to hurt you. And I guess I have lived by that until this day." I answered honestly.

I can see why the Captain values honesty so much now. It does feel good to let your guard down and not lie to someone every once in a while. I think Steve could sense I was drifting away in my thoughts again because he pulled away slightly and look directly into my eyes.

"Nat listen to me, no one is too broken to fix. Everyone makes mistakes in their lives, some more than others but that doesn't matter. What matters is how they fix them and Natasha Romanoff, you are a hero. You save thousands of lives every day whilst putting your own life on the line. You have made up for your mistakes tenfold and you make me and the rest of the world proud every single day as you continue to stand up and fight regardless of how terrible your past was. I know a lot of people that would use their past as an excuse and throw their life away, but you didn't. Instead, you turned your life around and became the beautiful person you are today. No one did that for you. That was all you." He said as he kissed me on the cheek making me blush a little.

"Damn Rogers, you practice that in front of the mirror every night or something?" I chuckled, making light of the situation. But maybe he is right, maybe I'm not as much of a monster as the Red Room made me believe I was. Just maybe I could love and be loved back. Maybe.