Smoke & Mirrors • Zarry

24. You can't have them both

Gianna didn't stay the night. As much as those perennial thoughts of his had been attempting to persuade him into letting her back in, allowing her to spend the night in his bed, Zayn just couldn't bring himself to do it then. And as much as all of it filled his heart with something that ached to hear her utter those three little words to him after all this time, his own were trapped in his throat, stagnant, and he was unable to say them back.

But deep down he sort of felt the same way. He loved her, he knew. He wasn't sure what that love was now, but it was there because Zayn never stopped loving her, caring for her, which was why he was so unable to access those feelings again because he saved them, held onto them, told himself over and over again that they were reserved for her and only her, for what they shared together.

And when she left he wondered why he couldn't say them back this time, why he couldn't just tell her that he loved her too, that he wanted to be with her.

After a restless sleep, Zayn was finally able to doze off around four in the morning and when he woke up the only dream he remembered having was about Harry.

The following week was a test for Zayn, a test to see what the extent of the connection between him and Gianna was, and what still remained, and if she was truly doing better. So he told her that he wanted to take things slow, to be able to reacquaint themselves with each other and Gianna agreed because she understood that Zayn was not ready to jump back in with both feet. Their relationship had been intense, full of love and attachment, neediness, but also full of pain and not just from her episode that ended things.

No, she was always a firecracker from the very start, batshit crazy, just how Zayn liked them. Gianna was someone who made rash decisions, who fought with him every other day, who'd go off on a binger and not come back for days on end, who failed most of her classes and Zayn had been the one to talk her into reason, to back down in a fight, to speed off in his car to find her in the middle of the night and to do her assignments for her so she could get through school. When Gianna said that Zayn was her guardian angel, it was a severe understatement.

And just remembering some of those events, even amongst the good times, were some of the many reasons why he was so afraid to settle back into her.

Zayn took Gianna out to lunch a few days later and she opened up to him about her time at A New Hope, the mental health facility in Norway that she had been living in over the five year course of her absence, and she held nothing back in explaining exactly what happened. Gianna went on about the very intensive therapy that she's been receiving and how it's helped her to understand her illness and its causes.

Their conversation was long, emotional, and it pained him to hear the root of where it came from when he finally discovered some very dark physical and emotional abuse that stemmed from her stepfather growing up, which were all things that had been previously concealed by her and Zayn found himself in a long embrace, comforting her on the walk home.

The following day he took her out shopping for clothes and watched her smile as she tried things on, like dresses and blouses, and everything fit her and looked amazing as always, and Gianna glowed in this way that made him smile while she continued to tell him just how grateful and appreciative she was of his kindness and generosity, not searching for intimacy but just enjoying whatever amount of time and attention she could receive from Zayn.

And as the days wore on, Zayn only became more and more confused about what exactly it was he was going to do, because as they strolled down Bond Street they passed by The Gucci Store and Zayn was immediately reminded of Harry.

And he was still talking to him, still sneaking away at these random times of the day and evening to take his phone calls and Zayn still wanted to hear his voice, to hear how his film was doing, to just hold onto a little bit of attention from him, even though he was leaving, and he felt awful because Zayn hadn't once told Harry that Gianna was back in London, back in his life, because he was afraid if he told Harry that he'd stop calling, that he'd be upset because even though he and Harry never made it a point to put a label on their relationship, Zayn knew that Harry's jealousy howled like a beast. And he just couldn't do that to him.