burn. [Technoblade AU]

•8•

Techno's POV

!(Self harm tw.)!

I sighed, resting my hands in my hair. I was feeling a bit better- Well, more distracted. It took a lot to calm me down, but not a lot to distract me. The sun was setting, growing closer and closer to night.

I was prepared not to sleep again, to be alone, to only start to grow tired when the sun began to rise. My heart still felt broken- I still felt uncomfortable sharing all those things about myself that no one knew.

I don't know if I can trust Vincent. He swore he wouldn't tell, but what's a lie if not the truth? I've grown further and further away from people in my childhood. I'd ask my friends to play Minecraft. They promised they would, then all I get is silence on the other end of the call.

Anything I had thought about that made me sad spurred me on, bringing me to tears. I didn't even intend to cry, most of the time it just happens. Some people may call me a cry baby, but it's one of my only ways to release pressure against myself.

Or...

From sitting on the floor, I looked up to the blade that sat on my kitchen counter. Vincent had been using it to cut food. I couldn't remember what- I had fallen asleep on the floor. That didn't surprise me considering my bed felt about the same as the marble did.

Using my palms to boost me so I was tall enough to reach it from the counter, my fingers barely reached it. With a soft clang, it fell right by my feet. My heart was beating fast, but there was a rush of exhilaration within me at the thought of seeing blood drip from my very own skin.

Nervously, I picked the blade up. Unrolling my sleeve like I had seen other people do, or heard what other people talked about, I stared at the surface there, starting to question my actions.

Don't chicken out, dumbass. You deserve this, you need this.

I nodded to myself before biting my lip and picking up the blade, lightly wrapping my fingers around it. Taking the sharpest edge, I pressed it into the skin there. It dragged along it. The pain stung, but I realized that I hadn't cut very far in.

I covered my mouth and looked at it. I couldn't tell if I loved it or hated it more than I could ever imagine.

The way the sky was setting made everything feel surreal, I just had the urge to keep cutting and cutting. Smiling through my tears, I took the edge and dragged it against the skin again, this time harder. Instantly, blood started to form in bubbles at the edge of the cut.

It hurt so bad. I winced, the tears that were on the edge finally dripping silently down my cheeks. I bit my lip, and found some other places to mark up my body. I raised my sleeve higher and higher, hoping to find any place that was left unmarked.

God, every part of my arms hurt, even when the fabric of my shirt just barely grazed the cluster of cuts there, I couldn't help but hiss in pain. Pain, but it was in a way I deserved it.

At this point, I was doing everything I could to intoxicate my body. To give it the treatment it needed a long time ago.

I dropped the blade, watching as my arms turned pink with cuts. I tried to do it on my upper arm, near my shoulder, considering that cutting on your forearm would be obvious seeing as it's one of the most common place to cuts.

It was covered in blood, my ugly reflection staring at me through the dimly lit, glossy floor. To be fair, I looked like a mess. Nevermind, that was an understatement. I can't believe what I had done, I covered my mouth and shakily got up, wobbling to the bathroom as quickly as I could.

Flicking the light switch that I hadn't turned on in maybe months, I stared at my arms in the bathroom mirror.

Oh my god, there were so many cuts. Some slashed over each other, some in a straight line like a bar code. Some wrapped all the way around my arm like a band, others stopping where more thin cuts began.

My tears were coming down like hard rain, my legs wouldn't hold me up anymore. Watching as my vision blurred with tears, I hissed in pain as I felt my fingers over the many marks. Now, I was sitting on my knees, in the bathroom, on the floor, once again.

I never thought I would've gone to self harm, and it was an impulse, but it felt like the right thing to do. I deserved the pain, I deserved the insults I deserved being ignored. But did I deserve to live?

All I do is fuck things up. Nobody's happy when I'm around, and even when they're laughing, it's not that hard to stifle a fake laugh.

Everyone thinks I'm so good, they think that I'm more than what I see in my eyes, but I know that all they are saying is a blanket of cold, hard, lies. I'm the true monster here.

All the thing I've done, all the problems I've caused, how many losses-

All I am is competition.

Some people may swear I'm not as bad as I look, but that's because I'm worse. I'm a monster- A demon. A creature from hell. I didn't deserve to be here, I'm too privileged here.

Anyways, all I do is get ignored. Awkward silence rings through my ears every time im in a call, all I can do is quietly jump up and down and clap my hands as I wait for them to say something, until the conversation goes no where and I get asked why I'm so shy.

I hadn't notcied my breathing started to branch out into sporradic huffs. My hands were pulling my hair again, my legs up to my chest, my heart racing at the thought of any and all human contact.

Just imagining someone busting through the door and catching me like this made panic surge through my body.

Another thing that effected me was I hadn't been the most tolerant with blood..

The realization that this was probably a bad idea started to rush to my head.

My head turned to my phone, which was still on the bathroom floor from where I was originally. I scrambled to open it, getting the passcode wrong a few times before sucessfully getting to the home screen.

Pretty soon, I was calling A6d. It rang, echoing through the stiff and cold air.

I felt light headed, and I stopped to rest my head against the wall.

The rings stopped before yelling. I tuned out his voice, drifting further and further away from conciousness.

"Hello? Dave? Dave! Oh my god- Shit- Aah!"

(sorry, you'll be getting part 7 whenever i finish it, which i hope is soon. its just fluff and seeing how this is mainly a ventfic that i shove all my emotions onto its kinda hard to write fluff for me)