From The Attic (poetry)

You Are Worthy

I used to self harm, I didn't really understand why at the time, just I was in so much pain that I had to make it stop and so I'd cut. I thought it was helping but It wasn't and now that I've stopped I realize that.

Why did I do it? Well I bottled things up. What does that mean? I took all of the things people said about me and kept them inside, I took their words and locked them inside, some weren't even aware they were hurting me and that's where the problem began. I just kept everything inside, I had no one to talk to and I saw the world as this meaningless and bad place. If I was having a bad day, I'd keep it inside, until all I had were bad days, I couldn't see past them. I couldn't see that I had friends and family, that loved and cared for me, I was buried in all the bottled up emotions.

I hated my scars, I still do but now I'm learning that I was hurting and I thought self harm made the pain hurt less, but it didn't, it just delayed the inevitable, that someday I had to stand up for myself and take back control, stop blaming the world, stop taking hits for things I didn't do, stop excepting hurtful jokes and stop being a punching bag.

I hadn't really understood how I managed to stop, or how it was effective because previously I had tried to stop but it didn't work, I was addicted to self harm. Self harm is ADDICTIVE.

But then I did stop.

HOW?

I let people in, I started talking about what hurts, it doesn't even have to be to a psychologist (It's great to have one though) but I started talking with my friends and my family, I started letting all of that hurt go, yes it's still inside and I'm terrified that one day it'll come back but I'm in a good place now.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, if something or someone is hurting you, don't bury it inside, address it. Even if they don't want to hear it, even if they shift the blame, even if they scream at you, be LOUDER, because I know that pain becomes anger and anger turns into hate.

Don't be a victim, take control:

Eg. Your friend makes a mean joke about your clothes.

After that you'll hate the way you dress, even though you loved it , you'll hate it because someone who has their own style decided yours wasn't good enough. Don't let them have that kind of power. Tell that friend you didn't like what they said and you love your clothing and there's nothing wrong with it, demand an apology because YOU DESERVE ONE.

Eg. Your mom is constantly on your case, you feel like you can never escape her scrutiny, her need to control your life.

Take back your power, yes they brought you into this world and they can take you out, but it gives them no right to make you feel less worthy because you're not the person they want you to be. Stand up for yourself, yes they'll say you're talking back, but I call it defending yourself, because it's start small. Your mom making you feel small, and suddenly the whole world is using you because you don't believe you deserve to stand up for yourself, because they see that you don't believe in yourself.

I am still learning to be okay with who I am, that I'm beautiful and perfect just the way I am. That I don't deserve the pain I was in, It's a change I've been terrified to embrace, terrified that I'd be nothing without my depression, my anxiety, my self harm , my insecurities, my pain. But I'm deciding that I can be more, I can be better and I can love myself. I have to love myself because if I don't who the hell will.

To a person suffering this may seem impossible but I assure you it's doable, I'm living proof. 18 years and I saved myself,you don't need a prince or a princess or whoever to save you because you are capable of doing it yourself.

°Just stop keeping it all inside.
°Talk about what hurts.
°Even if you feel it'll bother people, talk because I'm pretty sure all they want is for you to be happy
°If you tell someone let's say you're depressed and they don't believe you (Some of my family members didn't and still don't believe that I was depressed.) tell someone else until they listen because I'd rather spend 24 hours listening to your problems than have you kill yourself.

You are loved, I love you. I don't know you but I love you and I accept you, whoever you are I ACCEPT YOU AND YOU SHOULD ACCEPT YOURSELF TOO.