Maybe We Can't Change the World

Day 89

I rushed around the corner after seeing her bus come back through my window. Taylor and her whole group had just come through the front door. She took off her jacket and let it hang over her arm.

I saw her from the other side of the long hall with the paintings. Her hair was frayed, sweat stains under the armpits of her collared shirt. Thinking no one was looking, I watched her pull at the sweaty fabric and wrinkle her nose.

But she sensed me and looked over. I smiled and after a moment of shock, she smiled too.

She started walking down the long hall and I started running. She picked up her pace and we met in the middle, falling into a warm embrace. I couldn't tell if it was me or Taylor doing it, but we spun around like in those romance movies.

When we pulled back I sighed, "Taylor, I've got to be honest about something."

She nodded for me to continue.

"I haven't been awesome lately. In fact, I've been feeling kind of horrible and I didn't want to tell you because you were so stressed already."

Tay gave me soft eyes, pulling and holding my hand in both of hers. "I know you don't like leaning on people and I wish I'd made it clear sooner but- you can always come to me. And I really mean that, because you've always been there for me when I really needed you... even back when we were little."

What started as tears in my eyes quickly became full-blown crying, my breathing disrupted by the thickness of love.

One of my favorite things in the world is happy tears. It seems like the most contradictory action you could make, when you're so happy, that you look sad.

I wasn't even afraid that it would end, I was just standing there and choking on my happiness.

Then I asked her, "Can I kiss you?"

And she did the first thing in her life that she didn't think over, she said, "Yes."

I kissed her. And didn't think about who could be watching or how I might get in trouble. It was the perfect cinema moment. In our movie, the camera would have spun around till everything but the two of us were blurred.

I felt my soul melt into hers, into her universe like gasses and planets and stars collecting to form a galaxy.

It was like my painting, which I realized wasn't about love making you feel powerful. Something inside of me was trying to say that love is in itself a universe, made by the formation of two people's constellations and nebulae.

While we weren't paying attention, the chaperone from the trip had marched up to us. Her arms were crossed, fire in her stern eyes.

I grabbed Tay's hand as panic spread through her face. Her lip quivered and I knew what she was thinking, Are we about to lose everything?

But I have her a reassuring look, Trust me.

I ran, taking her with me. We bolted through the halls, everything around us blurring but the path ahead. The only plan was to get out of here.

We shouldn't have done that. We shouldn't have done any of that. But I never think before I act, that's just who I am. I'm Vivian Sioma, I'm a gay teenage dumpster fire. I live and I love and I've never cared what anyone thinks of me.

We ran out into the yard. Taylor started huffing so we eventually stopped in the middle of a soccer field. We practically dropped dead on the soft green grass.

The two of us laughed, but after a moment, Tay's happiness faded.

"Are they gonna kick us out?"

"I'm definitely getting kicked out, I don't know about you though."

I was terrified and I was excited all at the same time. It was exhilarating. I ruined it all, but even then...

"We'll find each other," I said. "Always."

There were two more years until I was eighteen. I'd be free, at least from the rule of my parents. And even if we fell out of love, even if one of us died, even if Taylor ended up hating me for the rest of eternity, we'd always have happy memories.

Taylor was the reason life was worth it. I loved being with her and never wanted to leave her.

I could never stop smiling when she spoke to me, the thought of her and us was pure happiness. And that's why I would stay. Even if these moments would only be a few seconds in between the rest of a horrible damn life, it would always be special, and it would always be worth it. I would never give up the chance for more warmth like this.

We sat up and wrapped our hands together through the grass. I fell into her eyes, bright and magical.

I wanted to make her happy too. I wanted to make people happy. Maybe when I was older, when I had the chance and the choice, I could put as much happiness into the world as possible. And I could tell Taylor I loved every day, in person or by email or letter, so there was a little bit more happiness for the one I cared about the most.

I held her hand tight as we sat together. I whispered, "I won't let go until you tell me too."

She nodded, "Ok Vivi... I trust you."

Tay let her head fall onto my shoulder and I felt her there. We just stayed really still for a long time.

I think I'll paint this one day, I thought. While I'm reminiscing.

For then, I sat in the moment. And really, I don't think I need to put it to paper at all, because these minutes were already art. My true masterpiece, to be experienced by two artisans and never again.

Maybe we can't change the world, maybe we can't change our lives. But we can live. We can create our own little happiness, and try not to forget it in the weeds.