Self Destruction is Such a Pretty Little Thing

I Will Never End Up Like Him, Behind My Back I Already Am

1/16/15
As this year starts up I've been reflecting on my own actions. More specifically, every thing I've done since that night in October that seems so far away. Everything I have accomplished since then is kind of staggering. I got to go to New York City, I went to my first concert, I saw a show on Broadway, I saw Fall Out Boy, I snuck out for the first time, I got my first real kiss (with a boy anyway), I ended friendships and started new ones, I broke into an old abandoned building with a couple of friends, I was nominated for Governor's Honors, I finished a semester with all As and Bs, I got a job, Kind of a mixed bag, but that's mostly the really /big/ things, the memories. The things that will hopefully stick with me for a while. Speaking of memories, I've been creating some new ones this past week. The cast of Mulan (myself included) have had rehearsal everyday after school because Thursday was opening night for the show, so we all had to spend four hours with each other (including class time) which all together isn't a bad thing. The saddest part is, tomorrows show isgoing to be my last show with Johnny, and Kate, and Carrie, and EJ, and Torrey, and Ian, And Charity, and Stacia, and Coleen, and so many others and it makes me so sad to think that they're leaving this all behind- no leaving me behind to go on to bigger and better things- which is great for them. I'm glad they're getting out but I don't want to be left here forgotten with promises of texts and meet ups- only to left sad. But at least I'll have the memories of this one last show; dancing with Ian backstage and having my dress rip open, slam poetry before the show, Mr. Brown as the emperor, children's faces as they watch the show, Coleen's glorious dragon hair and make up, and so many other things. It's bittersweet. And terrifying to think. Next year there won't be the seniors to tell me what to do, how to fix something, no seniors to chose the show or to tell me what works best in the stage light. The experienced kids will be gone and how will we fill their shoes, the best of us is graduating, and leaving us behind and I'm petrified.

Not that that's abnormal, I'm terrified of anything having to do with the future. I'm scared of a lot of things which I realize it's not something I've shared. I'm petrified of not making it into a college, or making it and hating it, or making it and not being able to afford it. I'm scared I'll end up like my parents or worse my aunt. I'm terrified I'll never be loved and I'll ruin everything I attempt to do. I afraid I'll pick a career and end up hating it. I'm afraid I'm throwing away all my chances- too afraid to take a risk. I'm terrified of who I was, who I am, and who I'm becoming.
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Headfirst Slide Into Cooperstown On A Bad Bet- Fall Out Boy