Self Destruction is Such a Pretty Little Thing

Every Night She Cries, And Dies A Little More Each Time

Every Night She Cries, And Dies A Little More Each Time.

It's getting bad again. My depression, I mean. I've stopped feeling hungry. Not starving myself, just absolutely and completely not hungry. Today I've had a cookie and a can of Coca-Cola. Usually I would've said coke, but I wouldn't want it to be confused the other coke. Of course Coca-Cola, I am in Georgia, you know, where it originated. I got the part I wanted for the play were putting on in drama class. I'm not in the least bit excited. I'm not excited for New York City either. Death is all I think about. How, when, and where. I've thought it up a thousand times, a hundred different ways. I don't know anymore. I can't bring myself to care about anything. Much less, school work. Everything that means something to me leaves, or I fuck it up (ex. the entire Daniel situation). I can't even cry anymore. I want to cry, just to see if it'll take these feelings away, but I can't manage a single tear. I've lost all interest in everything. Reading especially. I don't want to read about all these people who are happy, get their happy endings. It makes me so mad. I don't get to be happy, why should they? I don't know if I want to get better anymore. All I really want is to cut and OD. That's it. Cutting. Twenty days clean. I want it so bad. To the point that'd I'd give just about anything to cut without being institutionalized or so my dad says. At this point I'm thinking its worth it. Not even that. If I cave, I'm not planning on waking up again. Never. Sleep. Sleep forever. I'd be happy with that, I'm always so tired. No more waking up. No more expectations. No more disappointments. No more disappointing. No more anything. Just sleep. Sleep. I feel like puking. Not to lose weight, but because I'm so fucking full. I are dinner when I wasn't even close to being hungry. I'm grotesquely full now. This feeling is getting old, and fast. Faster than I would've ever imagined. I'm ready for it to end. I wouldn't jump in front of a car, but if one was coming at me, I would most definitely not move. Not even an inch.

The Silence- Mayday Parade