Brownie Broods. Brownie Rants. Brownie Speaks.

Brownie is a MISFIT

Have you ever felt like a fish out of water? Like a square peg in a round hole? The feeling of being not-here-not-there. In other words, have you ever felt like a misfit wherever you go, whoever you meet or whatever you do?

I have. I go through it every single day of my life.

For as long as I can remember, I have been constantly torn between two dilemmas, wanting to be someone that I'm not, yearning for a sense of belonging, trying to do things to satisfy the whims of the general crowd just so that I could stop feeling like an oddball.

The truth is, I'm neither very expressive nor completely voiceless. I'm neither melodramatic nor totally emotionless. I'm neither the smartest nor the stupidest. I am neither very religious nor very modern. I'm neither a crowd puller nor a small potato. I neither like to jump on the bandwagon nor do I like being left behind.

I'm the one who is always stuck in the middle. The ambivert in a room full of extroverts and introverts. A forever wannabe.

Perhaps occupying the middle ground is my expertise. However, that's not something that I take pride in. I don't even like that about myself.

Because this feeling of being an outlier is not a very pleasant one. It makes you feel suffocated. It stresses you out. It gets you overthinking. It makes you feel insecure. It makes you want to speak out on a lot of things while also stopping you from saying anything at all. Overall, it makes you question yourself, "Why am I like this? Why can't I be like them?"

Now, I know many might tell me that I should stop feeling this way because nothing is more important than being my own, unique self. I do agree with them to a great extent. It is the truth. And a voice within me wants me to believe the same.

Perhaps someday. Yes, someday in the future, when I'm more mature, I will stop worrying about it and be happy the way I am. And maybe on that day, this piece of writing will help me laugh at myself for even thinking like this at some point of my life.

Until then, let me continue to be an outsider trying to blend in but unable to let go of my flawed individuality.