On With The Show

20

Psst, you awake?

Nikki forced his eyes open, moving his head to look at Tommy. The couch had been long-abandoned; the drummer was perched on the side of the bed. He'd made himself comfortable, too - the thin blanket covered everything but his face as he sat there, cross legged, with light from passing traffic the only source of illumination. He shifted a bit, making space for Tommy on the bed and gesturing at him to lie down.

All he managed to get out was a "Yeah, I'm awake," his voice was slightly hoarse, scratchy from being asleep almost a few hours, from what it felt like. Slowly, he rubbed his face with his hand to wake himself up as he heard the light thud of Tommy's head falling onto the pillow next to him, curls fanning out under him. "Now, anyway. What's going on, drummer?" 

There was squirming - Tommy readjusted himself so that he was lying down and facing Nikki fully. His face broke into a grin. "I've got a band, dude! With you. You and me, in a band, together," He said, his eyes the same unmistakable shade of bright brown they became when he was excited. Even in the light you practically had to squint to see, Nikki could make out each individual twinkle in Tommy's eyes.

A smile appeared on his face - the kind he didn't even try to fight back. The kind only Tommy Lee could get out of him, the kind only Tommy Lee would ever see. "We've got a band, Tommy," He said, letting Tommy move closer to himself. "You, me, Vince and Mick. To be honest, I never thought I'd get this far. Band I actually like being in... If you told me that when I was in London, I'd call you an idiot."

Tommy was now right next to him, laughing a bit himself. "You've already called me an idiot, dingus," He teased, gingerly hugging onto Nikki's arm. "Uh - sorry, is it okay? I figured I'd sleep better if I held onto someone.  I get it if you don't want me to, though..."

"Go ahead," Nikki said, fighting a laugh. "Sleep tight, Tommy."

*

The room was empty, but Tommy was surrounded. He didn't know who surrounded him - he only heard their whispers, almost indistinguishable from each other. He whipped his head around, trying to take a step forward but no matter how fast he ran, he didn't seem to be headed anywhere.

He felt a cold hand on his shoulder - it was freezing in the room he was in. If it was a room - there was nothing he could think of right now. He tensed up immediately.

"Who is it?" 

The voice that came out of his mouth was shaky, almost foreign to him. It was frightened - something Tommy hadn't felt in a while.

I never wanted to be stuck with you.  I could have chosen anyone, but I chose YOU, of all the morons.

It was like the air around him was suddenly solid - Tommy recognized everything about that whisper, from the time to the length of each syllable to the words to the barely discernable voice.

I fucking hate you! You can't do shit right, can you? Can't keep your mouth shut when I ask you to-

The voice was progressing into a shriek. Pain radiated off every one off Tommy's limbs, appearing in spots. He felt the familiar fear tear through his throat as he hid his face, curling up on the ground. He fell endlessly, shame cloaking him.

You are too fucking loud! And I told you a million and one times, Lee, DON'T mention a band when you're asked about what you want to do. You're not going to fucking make it, you are an awful drummer! Hell you got kicked off marching band. You were too stupid to graduate high school, what makes you think you've got the skills to make it in music, hm?

Honey's voice ripped through his skull, every punch sending shooting pain, comparable to his shoulder stab wound through his body. He was alone. As much as he'd tried to avoid any form of isolation, he was alone against Honey. He always was, always would be nothing without her. He wanted to scream, at the same time he wanted to stay so silent he popped out of existence - he cared about nothing except stopping the sharp, constant reminders.

A deeper voice came into the picture - one that Tommy would much rather focus on. He whimpered, trying to pay attention to that as he felt everything fade around him, slowly opening his eyes before shutting them almost instantly.

He violently shook his head, not even sure what the deep voice was saying. He gripped onto some fabric that he felt, clawing into it till he felt some slight warmth around his finger tips. He was hyperventilating, shaking and curling in on himself. Hot tears streamed down his face as he struggled to breathe; grabbing at whatever he could reach. He didn't know why - comfort? Agency? Frankly, he didn't care. He just wanted the pain to stop...

*

"Tommy, you're safe now," Nikki mumbled, holding his head against his chest as he whimpered, still shaking and twitching. Sobs filled the once still air of the apartment - it was a relief for him, it meant Tommy was finally letting the pain out of himself. He wanted to comfort him - he wanted to remind him, somehow that he was safe...

"It's okay, T-Bone," He said softly, wrapping both arms around Tommy tightly, letting the drummer cry into his chest. He closed his eyes momentarily; before running his fingers through his soft curls. "You're far, far away from that now, Tommy. It's okay."

Nikki sat up, pulling Tommy close to himself and letting him use his lap as a pillow. He winced, slightly as he felt his nails dig into the skin on his thighs, before he felt Tommy's heart rate finally reduce again, almost back to normal. His breathing was starting to slow down, and the trembling was nearly non-existent again.

"It's okay, Tommy. I'll keep you safe - you just focus on resting properly, okay? " He said, stroking Tommy's hair and leaning against the wall, forcing himself to stay awake as Tommy finally started falling asleep again. He let our a breath he didn't realize he was holding, before lying down again.

"I know you're asleep, and I know you can't hear me. Hell, that' part of why I'm saying this right now -" He took a deep breath in. "You and I clicked the first day we met - two sides of the same coin, and everything. Tommy, you really fucking get me, and all I wanted to say is Thank you."

He laughed to himself.

"That's a lie. There's something else, too. But I don't know if it's a sentence I can say out loud, for a multitude of reasons. Maybe one day, you'll know."