On With The Show

14

There were a lot of things Tommy expected Nikki to say when he got back after the double shift. "How do you do a double shift of pretending to like people without going crazy?" or "Want some of the Jack I stole before we go to Vince's place?" or "Fuck yeah, you're here, man."

"Tommy, I need to talk to you about something, and it can't wait till after practice," was not one of them. It was, however, what Nikki said. Tommy bit his lip, already starting to feel some of the discomfort he always felt when Honey said she needed to talk. Nothing good ever came of it, all conversations like that ever did was make Tommy feel guilty about something he thought was harmless. Talking too much, laughing too loud, calling his parents too often on the phone whose bill she paid (seriously?! He called for five minutes a day - she called her coworkers for twice as long)... The list went on and on, and every time that did happen, Tommy felt like crap for days afterward. Off course, he didn't show it - smile, make others happy, and absorb that was basically his life's motto. He bit his lip. This wasn't Honey - it was Nikki. He was different from her in every possible way... He let himself hope that this wasn't what Nikki was going to say.

He just grinned, not wanting to worry Nikki. "'Skoin' on dude?" He said, smiling and sitting next to Nikki.

Nikki was shaking, rolling up his sleeves as he struggled to form a sentence. Tommy frowned, moving closer to Nikki and wrapping one arm around him. "It's okay, Sixx, I've got you," He said softly, almost instantly feeling happier when Nikki relaxed against him. "Whatever it is, I promise I won't tell anyone, okay? I promise, Nikki."

Nikki bit his lip, looking away from Tommy. "I-It's about the lyrics. The uh- reason I got mad that you saw them."

"What happened?"

Nikki looked at Tommy, peeling the skin off his lip with his teeth slightly. "It's also about that scar you looked at on my arm."

Tw for past abuse, repeated abandonment, knife violence and death - summarized at the end (in italics)

Nikki bit his lip. "My dad left when I was two - I don't remember shit about him, but apparently my mom and him had some long romance. I don't believe that, way she acts I find it hard to believe she can love anyone," He gave a dry laugh. "My aunt said she didn't spend any time with me when I was born, only doing the essential shit for the first month and... I don't even know what the rest of the time. When I was six, she ran away with some trucker guy, called my grandparents to pick me up, and locked me outside the house till they came," His breathing was becoming more and more erratic. Tommy felt himself start to cry as Nikki said that, doing his best to hold back his tears and just holding Nikki close to himself. "Till I was seven, I lived with them. I loved living there, I felt wanted. Important. B-but-"

He let out a sob, clutching onto Tommy's arm. "There was a fire that year. Both of them died, Nona and her husband Tom. I was sent back to Deana - my mom - after that. Things got bad - she was using, and she had a revolving door of dickheads she'd date - they'd beat the crap out of me for no reason at all. They liked it, I think, having a weak little boy scared shitless of them, hiding when he saw them, and whimpering when they pulled him out from wherever he was... A few days, I'd not be able to leave my room because I got shit scared of seeing them. Deana changed too, for the worse. She'd started backing them up. It was gradual, but you'd have to be blind not to see it." He took a deep breath. "There were times where her boyfriends would just push me down the stairs, or hit me with a booze bottle or something, and she'd just turn a blind eye, or worse, just watch."

He whimpered at the memories as they came flooding back, swallowing the bile that rose in his throat as he made an attempt to keep talking, but instead choking up. "I didn't trust anyone - I couldn't trust anyone. Not anymore, with everything Deana had done. My own mum, who was supposed to be someone I trusted - I saw how people talked about theirs, and I just felt so, so alone in this, like I couldn't tell anyone - each time I tried, they said the same shit. She's your mother, she loves you. You should love her too."

He curled up against Tommy. "I started hanging around with a bunch of kids who lived in a juvenile home. They got me, they didn't shut me down. I started doing every drug on the face of the planet - so many of them were dealers. It was bad - but feeling alone was worse. At least this way, I had some sort of safety net. Deana was just getting worse and worse. I just couldn't take it anymore."

"Eventually, when I was 15, I stole a knife. cut my arm, right here, blamed her boyfriend when CPS were called, and made a break for it that night with cash I stole from him. I didn't care - why should I? I put on the mask of always being angry, or always being ready to fight. It made everything easier in its own fucked up way. I ran away from Seattle and moved to LA. Lived on the street for a while, till I saved enough to get a place to stay - this one. Music was the only thing in the whole motherfucking world I liked. I stole the stuff I needed - only from large stores or chains, but only when I had to. Once I had enough money, I bought a bass, and searched for a band.

"One day when I was eighteen, something hit me - I don't know what. I searched and searched for my dad's phone number, and called him. His name was Franklin Ferrana, I was Frank Ferrana jr. He said I was a worthless shit, and cut the call, before I had the chance to say anything other than my name," Nikki bit his lip. "Frankie died the other night. The next day, I burned my driver's license, and changed my name to Nikki Sixx."

\\

Nikki's mom left him with his grandparents when he was six, but there was an accident so he had to move back to live with her. Deana's boyfriends were abusive to Nikki, so he cut his arm to frame one of them and ran away at age 15, lived on the streets of LA till he got the money to get this apartment. He changed his name from Frank to Nikki after a phone call with his father.

Tommy just held onto Nikki as the older one shook, burying his face in Tommy's arm. "It's why I freaked out when you read those lyrics, Tommy. I mean, It's glaringly obvious when you know the story and see any of those lines..." Nikki mumbled against Tommy's arm. "I gave Vince one of the light ones I wrote last week. Well, it seems light, I made sure of that..." He trailed off again, as Tommy just held him close to himself, almost protectively. Nikki let a few of his stray tears fall onto Tommy's arm, not having the energy to remove his head. It's almost funny, he thought, how it started with him taking care of Tommy. Not that it mattered; Tommy was the one he trusted most in the world anyhow. He squeezed his eyes shut for a second, trying to figure out how to ask Tommy to let go of him. It would have been easy if Nikki wanted him to, but that was the problem - after nearly his entire life on his own, this feeling was almost addictive for him. He turned around slightly, wrapping his arms around him and resting his chin on Tommy's shoulder.

He felt him take a deep breath in. "Nikki?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm proud of you - saying this isn't easy for anyone."

Nikki couldn't fight off the smile that appeared on his face, or the tears that welled up in his eyes, just hugging Tommy back as tightly as he could.

"I trust you, Tommy. I don't know how it happened this fast, but I do, and... Thank you for staying."

Tommy held him tightly, slowly stroking his messy hair as Nikki held onto him. He bit his lip, placing the ghost of a kiss on Nikki's shoulder, holding the older man tightly in his arms as he did that. "I'm always going to stay, man. I care about you."

To anybody else, this would warrant perhaps a smile and an 'I care about you too'. For Nikki, it was the cue to let out a sob he'd been holding back for years; it was the cue to hold onto Tommy Lee with everything he had. "I care about you, too," He said, hiding his face when he felt the slight, almost unnoticeable kiss.

"Whatever happens, I've got your back, okay Nikki?"

Nikki just nodded. His voice trembled. "I've got yours, too, Tommy."