Remember Me | A Steve Randle Fanfiction

Chapter 33 | Broken ((Trigger Warning!!⚠️))

A/N: If you're sensitive to suicide, or gory details, I'll make it easier on you, and put a warning emoji around where you should probably skip😬 I'll try not to make it where it would be confusing if you don't read it.

🌻Juliana's POV🌻

The rest of the time at the DX, I was oddly silent, just thinking about Steve's near-suicide attempt. He obviously noticed, but he didn't ask until we were on our way home. Soda had already left earlier.
"How come you were so quiet?" he asked, concerned.
"I don't know," I mumbled. He could tell I was lying. He got in front of me and stopped walking, making me stop as well.
"Tell me what's wrong. Did I do something?" When he said that, I started to feel a little guilty.
"I...I don't know," I said again. He gently held my face, lifting it so I would look at him.
"Baby, just tell me what's going on. Please." He looked pitiful, and I hated seeing him like that. He looked like he was going to cry, like he thought he did something wrong.
"I heard you talking last night...and I heard what you said about planning on killing yourself," I said, getting more upset at the thought of it. Steve's eyes shifted back and forth between mine, now feeling guilty himself. "Why?" I asked, heavily tearing up. He put both thumbs under my eyes, not wanting any tears to leave my eyes, and if they did, he would wipe every single one of them away.
"I thought I had nothing-"
"You had the gang." I interrupted. "You had Soda, you had Johnny, you had Pony, Dallas, Darry, Two-Bit, you didn't have 'nothing'."
"I know, but my mind kept telling me that I had no reason to stay."
"What do you think Soda would've done if you ended it?? You said you planned on doing in the night I came around, before you met me, what do you think I would've done?"
"We didn't even know each other that well."
"But I still fell in love with you the second I laid eyes on you. I may not have known anything about you, but I sure as hell would've been really upset if you had gone through with it. I would've lost the guy I knew I needed, the guy I knew I was in love with, no matter how less we knew each other. I still knew that if you had left me in some way, I wouldn't want to do anything without you." I had started crying, but as I thought, every tear that came down was wiped away by Steve. He hated seeing me cry.
"Baby, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you upset. I wasn't thinking straight, okay? Please don't cry." he begged. I didn't say anything else as I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face in his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around me in return and kept apologizing. "I'm so sorry, baby." he would repeat.
"It's okay," I whispered, though I didn't really know if it was or not. What if I hadn't looked at him the way I did that day? Like I had some kind of interest in him? What if I didn't speak to him at all that day? What if I had acted like he didn't even exist? Would he have done it??

Those same thoughts ran through my mind as we kept walking. I didn't even look where we were going. Steve had a hold on my hand, so I figured he would make sure I didn't mosey out into the road or run into a pole face first. I would snap out of my thoughts every once in a while and just blankly glance at him. I loved him, more than anything, it just hurt me to know that he even thought about hurting himself. Steve ended up seeing one of my glances, and his guilty face came back.
"Are you still upset?" he asked. I looked down, not wanting to answer that question. I hated telling Steve I was upset with him. He let go of my hand and wrapped his arm around my waist. He put his other hand under my chin to keep my face towards him. "Look, I promise, I haven't even given that a single thought since you came around. I knew you would make everything a lot better, and I know you would make everything more clear to me, and you have. I haven't thought about dying, because you've been the only thing on my mind. When Evie was holding you captive, suicide wasn't my first thought, nor my second or third. All that was on my mind was finding you, and if you were dead, then I would be thinking of all the good moments we've had, and hopefully, Sodapop would be able to keep my thoughts suicide-free. Please don't be upset with me. I want you to be happy, not sad. I'm not leaving you. I'm always gonna be here. I wouldn't do anything to hurt you, you know that." I knew he was right, but I didn't speak. The memory wouldn't leave my head, and neither would the image.

⚠️⚠️ Imagining seeing Steve, just hanging from his ceiling, or surrounded by his blood with a knife or gun by him, or with a needle in his arm or pill bottles by him, it hurt me.⚠️⚠️

After he had told me that, disturbing images were all I could see. It broke my heart. It broke me.